Confessions

I use to want to be a UFC fighter. But, 5 years of getting my mind together left me without the demons of the heart that made me feel strong and fueled my advancement towards that goal. Now I feel weak, unmotivated, and incapable of drawing from the old sources because they were resolved. Now I question if it's me that really wanted to fight now that I have to rely on my own strength without the same edge. It feels silly trying to force that edge when it's gone. If I were to force it I feel it would be just a shadow of the authentic version I knew. I'm quite comfortable in life all my needs are meet. Maybe more comfortable than I should be. My desire for more grows dimmer as the day passes. The what if seeming less feasible as the days go bye. Especially without the same edge that made it a joy to hit a bag and to watch mixed martial arts. The fire is missing and I'm not struggling so I'm just like meh. Now I'm just at the point where I'm asking myself even without the boosted impulses, edge, hurt, joy do I still have what it takes now that my driving factors were resolved. Do I see potential in myself to be great without that same edge. Right now I'm conflicted. I have unlimited free time and money. It's just my ego is deflated because my edge is gone. Not sure I can reach the same type of outputs as before when I felt gifted. Rn I feel I still have talent but I'm not mad as I use to be. Anger use to push me to the edge during workouts to the point I felt like I won't ever stop punching. My conditioning was emaculate then. Now I'm just not angry so now it feels like a job I'm completely apart of rather than being fueled without realizing your working. That's my problem I don't wanna realize I'm working I just wanna be carried away in the act. Music helps me tap back into the old me I just hate and love being so angry so I don't know what to do. I'm torn. I feels wrong and right at the same time. I just want to use my anger to train without rest but I feel dirty and silly now considering the person I've become. I wanna tap back into my old self and just change what I'm angry about. But, I also hate getting a big head. Back in the day it didn't bother me it also helped fuel me. But, I know I'm a narcissist now I hate to see myself victim to my own ego again. I'm contemplating is there a way to do this healthily. I heard there are healthy egos just being what I am makes me not want to grow mine. I know anger isn't the best in a sport like UFC I just wanna use it for conditioning or else it's a boring ass job like any other. I just can't seem to give myself permission to be angry cause it seems wrong :(

I confess it's always strange when i dream about someone from here. Especially if I haven't seen, spoken to, or even thought of them in a long time.

I took a month off from drinking. I usually like to do this once a year to kind of self-check and reset things. It does get pretty friggin boring drinking water - coffee - sparkling water every single day though.

I need to do that myself, quit drinking for a bit. I've had what amounts to three beers a night for over a year and it eats at me. I know there's worse, but rely on that for an end of day numbing, I know that's not a good idea. I give myself excuses, but I know it's better to not drink. While I don't get crazy drunk, it's become a habit and that why hard liquor is definitely a no go. Drinking on the occasion isn't a bad thing(If you can handle it.), but when things seem boring without it, there may be an issue.

Just don't be like my father was until recently where he would drink outside in the hot sun to get drunk faster and then jump in his truck to go buy expensive things like another truck or some land without telling anyone what he was doing. Never realized how codependent my father was with alcohol seeing as he wouldn't drink in front of my mother or I. He kept all his booze either hidden in his truck or out in one of his sheds. Same thing with his smoking. Wouldn't do it in front of me usually unless I walked up on him behind the shed, but after his heart attack I learned the man was crushing not just 1 pack, but an entire carton in a day.

man i want to drink. haha jk. this is me showing off my weed, fish and squirrel. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTCfg9TqYAE

I don't deserve my gf. If I somehow mess up what I got going on in my relationship with my gf. God is gonna have a field day with my ass. I know it's over x2. I had to many warnings. Plus it's the most vivid warning I recieved and I'm to smart and studied to say I don't know why I did that. Pray I take this way out he has given me. Pray for us.