Random thoughts...

"Cus" play, huh? Are we pretending to be salty sailors on the high seas? (Insert boat innuendos here) Also into "Drama, Sci-fi, or plot twist?" Didn't know I was going on a date with Mr. M Night Shyamalan himself, hoho!

Need more skill fusion anime, manga, manwha, manhua. Yes fuse the skills yes become more op yes! Yes! YES! Fuse them all. Subarashii.

I give up on trying too hard for others to notice me. Everything I do now is for me and only me. Not even celebrating Mother’s Day because my mom and I ceased communication. She told me she wishes a good life for me and that was it. Been battling depression off and on lately…life hasn’t felt this lonely in a long while not since Florida. Anytime I try to make new connections with someone I fuck it up by being “too available” despite always busy with gym or work or going out with friends. Even though I got friends (for which I am grateful for especially now) I still feel lonely. Antidepressants don’t work with me and only thing that makes me happy is gym progress now. Looking in the mirror when I wake up to see how far along I’m getting. I want a family that I never got. To be cared about like I never been. To not feel like trash finally and to be loved. I’m just venting this and irl I’m okay. I promise I’m not doing anything stupid. Just wish and pray that my dreams come true one day.

I am mournful about the lack of connection you have with your mother. My fellow Bible study partner expressed a similar predicament where he wrote his mom expressing how in spite of their poor relationship he had made a successful life for himself and was the father of two daughters as well as being a lead manager for an engineering company. He explained that to this day she hasn't responded nor does he expect her to either. Even still he is thankful to her for at least giving him the opportunity to have lived. It doesn't stop him from choosing what he wanted from the relationship which was to be loving even if it's one sided. Currently this man is facing a serious genetic disease that's causing early hardening of his heart's arteries and doesn't know if he will see his youngest daughter's graduation as doctors told him most with this condition die before age 50. So the take away is that he leans on Christ's wisdom to view the world the way it should be rather than being ruled by its reality. To be the father that loves his daughters how he wished his mom could have as well as standing as a pillar of guidance and support to the church he supports. That man has my deepest respect!

@solid_snake95 I know how you feel, man. I struggle forming meaningful relationships too. I think a lot of people in the world just feel too lonely. Wish I could give you some advice but I would probably need it too, haha

I'm about to be the whole cornfield with what I'm about to say...so bear with me please, but one of the most fulfilling relationships you can form (aside from God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit) is one with yourself. I'm not sure who or what you believe in @solid_snake95 , so I don't want to sound like I'm trying shove something on you, but I think that maybe being tired of performing for others and doing things to get them to like you or whatever is one of the keys to trying to be happy. I'm not saying it's the permanent solution, but sometimes we can get so lost and confused showing up for others that we truly forget to show up for our own selves in the ways that matter most. Now, I'm not saying you making time for others is a bad thing, and neither do I hope your kind heart becomes calloused or cold because of those who took advantage of that, but sometimes we can get caught up in wanting to love others so much because we want to feel loved (even if it's by ourselves) that we become burnt out or it feels like a performance instead. Basically, I hope God is able to strengthen you right now, because physical strength can only do so much for you, especially when you heart is restless and your soul is weary. I pray you take care of yourself, and please try not to over do it with the gym stuff, you hear? I'm proud you've chosen a healthy life for yourself after expressing the desire to do so, but balance is key to all things (I just say it as a precaution because I have a loved one with depression who drowns himself in exercise to a dangerous degree). If there's a chance you do believe in THE true God (Bible), simply make room in your heart for Him in whatever way that looks like for you, and He can and will give you rest. I love you! ❤️

I kinda know what it's like to feel like trash. I'm a narcissist the whole world hates us and takes pleasure in our despair. Also, I have schizophrenic voices on repeat abusing me. But, I'm fine. Because your hard work will never betray you. From someone with a condition that they say it's impossible for us to build self esteem. You can build it when you finally notice your heart instead of letting others perceptions of you be your heart. Your hard work won't betray you and don't betray your hardwork by not acknowledging your heart the more you try and succeed to better yourself the more appreciation you build for your self. Only you know your struggles and what it took to better yourself have appreciation for yourself in your heart. I don't think your achievements are nothing. I know mines aren't nothing they blow my mind but I expect no one to give me credit for them. Because no one has to validate your heart we are not entitled to validation and depending on it is not ideal. Yes it is good when someone validates your heart my gf was one of the first to value me more than trash and that started a chain reaction of learning how to validate my own heart and see myself in a new light but the chain reaction didn't explode until I found myself in a low place crying wondering why no one will validate my heart and I looked to my heart for the first time and I said I see everything you did I will validate it and that felt good because I had much to validate from 7 years of fighting and trying my best. I no longer needed to have the external validation that I once operated on. Though it's good when it comes always nice to be seen but I don't count on it and it doesn't break me if I'm not seen and loved. And, it doesn't break me if I'm seen in a negative light either because I have done bad things but I have also done good things. I accept that I'm not desirable or likeable by some and that's ok. Anyway, I have a never give up spirit battling two of the hardest illness on the planet schizophrenia and narcissism and me and Jesus stay taking ground and proving the impossible possible. I'm a badass who won't let these illness get the best of me. My minds all there even under schizophernia aka demonic oppression. Other narcissists dare not whisper to the world who they are and accept the judgment that come with it they dare not look at the odds of overcoming the illness and say nah I'd win. All Glory to Jesus for giving me many victories. The voices know I'm a badass that's why they target me. It's something special about me. They try to tear me down but I know that the reason they torment me is because it's something special about me that they don't like. What I'm getting at don't allow people not validating you cause your heart to shrink to maybe I'm nothing maybe I'm trash maybe they don't see what I see. Notice it yourself and appreciate yourself. I know and bet there's something special about you to don't overlook yourself because people overlook you. That's all I have to say. Hope and pray your depression is no more. Keep trucking improving your life and yourself best way you can and it will not betray you. Never Give Up.

On a different note being as today is mother's day I am supposed to meet her later this morning after work. There is a local art festival that's held annually over the weekend. She enjoys acquiring bits and bobbles. Don't know what knick knacks she's gonna walk away with this year. Last time she picked up a giraffe made of sea shells. Giraffes are her favorite animal apparently.

As I thought would happen, my mom blew over $100 at that casino. She started out $50 ahead, but of course she couldn't walk away... *Sigh* $100 might not sound like much to the average high roller; however, when someone is living off Social Security, it kind of is. https://sonatano1.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/kaiji5.png