Spoopy Mommy ®

No evil can be found in God. The Bible tells us God's character and who He is, and also His many names give us clues as to who He is: He's the God who hears (El Shama), the God who sees (El Roi), the LORD who provides (Jehovah Jireh), etc. And to be honest with you...if the only reason you are doing this is just to troll the devil and for your own sake (in the sense of from a place of ego *something you state constantly struggling with*) your intentions and heart posture about it isn't in the right place. The Bible tells us that the enemy, Satan, is there to steal, kill and destroy. To be frank, I think you truly need to take into account that the closer you try drawing to God, the louder your inner voices get. I'm not someone that says every single disability or mental health struggle is demonic, because that's ridiculous, God (specifically in the Exodus) states (when God called Moses) that did he not MAKE (meaning form/create) the people who are deaf, mute, seeing and blindly, meaning that those with certain physical disabilities/disabilities in general are loved and made by Him and there's nothing that those beautiful lives aren't able to accomplish when God calls them to something. Why do I mention this? Because I feel like (based off of the things you state) the voices you struggle with might be demonic, and I genuinely mean that. I avoided saying that before because it is not my place to...but I used to struggle with voices as a kid too, they made me feel crazy and they got louder when I got closer to God, but the more I persisted and constantly lifted up to God, the more they started to disperse. Sometimes God doesn't show up in ways we expect, or asks us to do things that we never planned, but the Word says in Proverbs 19:21KJV: "21 There are many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the Lord, that shall stand." It's perfect okay for you to have desires and plans, but let the LORD guide your every step so that the things you do and that He allows/calls you to do shall last forever. Also, about the arrogance thing, we are supposed to be humble as Christ was, which means towards the enemy - however, Paul does state that if you are to boast, make your boast in the LORD (there's a proper way to boast in Christ). And I know you think you aren't being used...but I think perspective matters in this hour and season, trust me, I speak from personal experience. Sometimes in our struggles and constant questioning God - that IS a part of our being used, because this battle against Satan is about more than just us, but our lives and the good work of faith God begins in us IS the living testament to God's goodness. The real question is if you are allowing yourself to be used and pruned for such a great work. If you and I want to be used by God, we must first make sure we are dealt with so we aren't hypocrites and double minded in all of our ways, for even Paul took time to judge his own self according to God's word lest he become a castaway in God's Kingdom. I know that I mentioned if this is your mindset, you might not be in the right heart about it...just know I didn't mean that to be judgmental, but as a reminder that there is a proper way to go about things. If you truly are trying to be serious about seeking the LORD, all that matters is your willingness to find Him, for he can and will be found in it's proper time, just don't rush things and don't be discouraged ^-^. My eldest brother once prayed for three months straight everyday the same prayer before God answered him through my second eldest sister, but God did it to test him because our brother sometimes is fickle about such things, but when he saw that he was serious and willing, there was an immediate and on time answer to his questions. I'm sorry for responding to something that you didn't ask me, but I love you and I pray that you allow yourself to be used because I know God created you for such a time as this. Those voices want you to give in so that you won't be able to help others in your same circumstance. I love you, and God bless. ❤️