More questions: 1. Your first order of business is to pack your bags. What are the top five things you'll want to bring with you? You are informed this place will be extremely primitive. 2. You are now given a few choices on how transportation in this new world. There's a stubborn but smart donkey, a strong but slow ox, A swift but easily spooked horse, or a not so smart but sweet cow. Which do you choose? 3. Your first stop is a tiny village. The people don't seem too trusting, but this was the last place this important child was seen. Who do you ask questions to first: The mayor of the village, the sheriff, the shopkeeper, or the village doctor? 4. None of them will be keen to speak, but perhaps you have a way to persuade them. And ideas on how to do that? 5. Sadly none of them has any helpful information except that a group with some kids left to the east. It's a bit late, so you have to camp for the night. How does it feel to be without running water or electricity?

I've been frequently tuning into a gospel station named K Love when I drive my truck. Instead of blasting what I usually blast. I knew the songs playing were good but I didn't understand or feel them enough to stop the negative perspectives in my head. It was just comforting to know I was attempting to listen to something good regularly. So, I been rolling with it. But, since yesterday a lot of the songs became stuck in my head and I find myself actually allowing my mind to rely on there greater perspectives even singing along in unison due to perspectives aligning. Been using the songs stuck in my head to align since yesterday. I'm just happy to finally feel some alignment of perspectives. Probably had a hard time feeling something because the perspectives didn't align. Thankfully the perspectives are taking root and in aspects overpowering some of my own. I'm hoping for a good harvest. Three of the songs stuck in my head. Mostly just familiar with the choruses. https://youtu.be/Q4exKwB0WRk?si=NSO7ahy-u7cbbaMM This songs opens me up to knowing that even on my worsest of days I'm still a child of God https://youtu.be/UnsdMC8gipU?si=OfEgDBCuwqU3lRxQ This song opens me up to the idea that through Christ I can do all things. It is possible through him. Even though I might not be able to do them now. https://youtu.be/aZjWYgq9QfM?si=Oeh9ehP2QKMdO9fK This song humbles me and opens me up to do more counting of my blessings that which I have taken for granted. Instead of being negligent and only counting the darkness. Then I realize I can't count that high.

https://youtu.be/07EzMbVH3QE?si=_IlXT2pie12xbHYw Never disappointing me.

I've never seen a psychologist or been to therapy ('cause as a man, it's useless to me) so all I've done is just accept the madness. Probably ever since I was 10 / a teenager (hard to remember, never really had a good childhood), I've went through literal hell, multiple times, and sure, it was necessary to make me be the man I am today. I could've easily become what one of my relatives are today; a garbage person, living in filth, not even attempting to do better, and not providing for his wife and 2 kids, being a mindless sheep of the government. Because I slowly cut off my humanity, my emotions, becoming empty inside, I've gotten rid of what was slowing me down, to the point of going insane at least a couple of times. I was really effed up in the head, looking back on it... Being in my early to mid 20s, I worked hard, put in effort to be a better person, to be a True christian, knowing I have flaws and have sinned, but try to change those bad habits, while still empty on the inside. The only thing that ever made me feel something, was watching anime, and having an overly active imagination, that was my ONLY escapism. I had a lot more freedom in my teens, since I was homeschooled, so I could escape reality a lot more back then. But eventually, I had to take on responsibilities my parents wouldn't do, my father being a stereotypical dumb blonde, and my mother being emotionally unstable. Along with events that happened when I was 5, which I still can't forget to this day, it makes sense why I went crazy, got to the point of not wanting emotions and being empty. Heck, if I wasn't such a coward towards myself, I would've forever boxed myself long ago, but oh well... Even though I try to do better, nothing really changes. A buddy of mine said that "Insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting a different result", and I think that sums up my life pretty much. I try to change how I react to people, making slight differences here and there, or change my outlook on the world / life, but at my core, I really, really, really, don't like myself, and I really, really, really, hate this godforsaken world. There's never been a time in my life, I've ever felt joy from this world. I've imagined the idea of happiness, I've manipulated my brain to believe delusions, to simulate joy, but nothing from reality. I've been entertained by a few things online, but never anything in real life. There was a point, I wanted the delusions so much more than this stupid life, that in a way, I realised "Do I need to stop this, because this might actually displease god..?" So, I stopped. The only thing that technically could be considered "joy", even though it was artificial, fake, delusional, it did, for the short time it was, what the rest of my life and experiences, could never do... Now to present, where I am so disgusted with people, mostly women, that I don't think I can even reciprocate "Love". I have no desire, all other emotions are pretty much dead but wrath, which was the only driving force to push myself harder, to do better. So yeah, I am a man, stoic, void of human emotions, logical, cold, no regard for feelings, I can act like a decent human being, but I do not feel human. Heck, reality doesn't even feel real to me, and once in a while, I can feel my brain slip, as if it's about to shut down this buggy simulation. It's happened a few times when I was a kid, my brain would black out for a second all of a sudden, and my body fall over, but then it would come back online. It doesn't completely shut down anymore, but I can feel the lag. Very uncommon, but thankfully doesn't put me or others in danger. You might say "Why don't you ask for help?" Well here's the thing: Every time I try to rely on others, they just make my life more miserable. I am incapable of trusting others with my effed up brain, and those that I do trust, I don't want to burden with, since he already has a lot to deal with. I've had to deal with everything on my own, no help, no useful advice, nothing. Grammar, spelling, and vocabulary, I've had to teach myself, because my mother didn't do her job. Now at least in present time, she's putting in effort to do better, but I always feel like it's too little, too late... And my father? He's regressed to staying in a chair the majority of his life, which is sad to see, but I honestly feel nothing, just another state of this "reality". So yeah, to me, everyone is useless, and just make life harder for me. I want to... Well, I say I "want" to, but I have no wants at the present... But I still need to serve god, by helping others. However, I almost never get the chance to, or it's beyond my limited experience... So, at the end of the day, no matter how hard I try to change all of those issues, it just blows up in my face, I do not know how I am supposed to live this disgusting life. If I try to live being a machine, it wouldn't bring glory to god, but if I try to live with simulated emotions, everything just gets worse... Logically, of course, it's always satan making things worse when you try to get closer to god. But it's easier for me to believe that I am just hated by god, because why would anyone want to live my life with my effed up brain? Sure, I realise there's plenty of other people with worse lives, but at least they still have their humanity. I am not human anymore, I do not feel anything, I do the same thing day after day, I am boring, I do not cry, I do not desire anything, and death does not scare me, it is just the end goal of life to me. All this is, is just me, mostly being bored, but also, looking back at what my pathetic attempts in life were. This isn't for pity, or comfort, or anything else, but just the life of a madman, disgusted with himself, and with life. Putting it into words, so maybe something can come out of it, though knowing full well, nothing will change. It has been my entire life, that I've hoped for the best, but expect the worst, and I've always been disappointed, even though I expect nothing. I have accepted the insanity, and if my life is only meant to be entertainment for someone else, then so be it. Laugh, otherwise I will be the only one laughing hysterically.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/fd/f0/c1/fdf0c12604da2378f6fd326a1611e293.gif Me last night when the shaodow people got in.

'Meatless' meal in title, proceeds to add crab, shrimp, crawfish, and sausage. What is it with some vegans and Catholics alike thinking sausage isn't flesh of an animal? https://youtube.com/shorts/cRzc70S_tvY

About to start reading and hopefully finishing Call of the night over the next few days. Loved the vibe of the anime and I've heard it only gets better from there in the manga