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I myself get so wrapped up in what just punishments I deserve as a narcissist that I took my time of connection to Jesus grace, peace, and mercy for granted. I just kept thinking I don't deserve this serenity. I failed to see that Christ himself is the Justice of God. He has already paid for our sins. Jesus was the reason my mind was free from schizophrenic punishment and intrusive thoughts of punishment. Because I had faith in him. But, my faith waned because the peace felt undeserved. I thought I could only learn from punishment and thoughts of punishment but Jesus was giving me rest and the opportunity to learn without the rod. I see my mistake and await the next opportunity to rest and learn knowing grace is undeserved favor and that's it's ok to rest sometimes even if you don't deserve it. And, that not everything requires force. Sometimes periods of freedom will come and the decisions will be up to me with no external and internal pressure forcing my hand. It's a shame that I waver in times of freedom and think I still need more discipline / pressure / punishment to thrive in the freedom available to me. But, that's because as a narcissist I only understand getting beat up and told off by the voices. I have to learn to trust in the gentle approach I been beat down enough. Why must I always wait for them to beat a forced hand out of me to see the error of my ways. I've been thinking that I was learning but because it was forced it rarely sticks. Instead of wanting to get beat up more by the voices until it sticks. I have to choose what's right without external and internal pressure being applied to me then I have truly learned. I don't think I can take anymore beatings anyway even if I wanted to that's how I found myself resting in faith. It's not like the beatings are perfect because it's the accuser. They will accuse you of anything. The voices objective isn't to have me learn but to forever add reasons / waves to sink you into deep waters. But, them attacking your weakness enough draws enough attention to it to where your forced to find the strength to overcome it. So don't trust the voices thinking they want the best for you. They don't. It's you and Jesus that wants the best for you. The breakthroughs you make under attack are because of Jesus and yourself. Never attribute it to the voices. They not your friend. They will even tell you that. Romans 12:21 Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.

Man, they stealth dropping Black Butler episodes on me. Didn't realize they were already finished with the Emerald Witch arc so soon after the Academy arc. https://youtu.be/KmAT3soCBFQ?si=PugnYZfug20DL3WI

Had someone's mom try to hook me up with their daughter. It's always humorous because it's never the daughter that is seeking me, but the mom herself, haha! Lady even admitted her daughter was currently involved with a man she disapproved of. Even has a kid that the mom is raising because the daughter has no interest in taking responsibility. In my head I'm thinking, 'What exactly do you believe will change in your daughter's life if I was suddenly involved? She clearly isn't pursuing men like me nor would I have much patience for someone that hands off responsibility of their children to someone else.' Again I feel for the lady, but I've had this happen more than once where someones mom asks me to change their daughter like that ever works, haha!

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