Confessions

My aunt got married this past weekend. They didn't expect much from me since I drove over 10 hours to be there, but they needed someone to be the florist and make the flower arrangements, bridal bouquets, bootaneers, coursages, stuff for tables etc. So I was showing proof of my work, since I make bouquets once a month for myself I accidentally went from cute bouquet pics with my cats into my seedy nerd territory and flashed someone with Halsin and the trauma squirrel.

@verucassault https://i.imgur.com/jIW5MHt.gif

I am nervous about planning this trip with just it being my nephew and myself. On the one hand it makes things easier as my sister isn't physically able to go on long excursions due to recent health complications. On the other it puts me as the sole entertainer and supervisor of a 6'2 thirteen year old. 6 hours of which are going to be us in a car getting there and back. Honestly I have no idea what to do, haha! Hope it works out for us in the end. If nothing else I get to test how well of a father figure I can actually be to literal teenager, heh!

After helping someone today I started struggling with my inner thoughts again. It's on and off at this point but the main point of it was "is there any purpose for me to stick around". I snapped out of it after an hour or so but it drained me. I regret never standing up for myself sooner to people who believed lies about me on here instead of being passive. All I ever did was my best, yes, it was for the wrong person and reasons, but im too hard on myself for the past to which I cannot change. I can't ponder about if they feel an ounce of regret to what was done for it's already done. The past cannot be changed. I did a damn good job. No one can take that truth away from me or mask it in lies to hurt me. I beat myself up things I can't change that have been thrown at me such as, "why can't you be taller", "why can't you pick me up on your shoulders, when other guys could?", and being something to hide/be embarrassed of. Writing it out and posting it on here makes me feel better instead of bottling it up inside. To some I will never be enough for who I am, and that's fine. Making peace with that is what I'm working on now. I pray one day it will all just click for me. Why everything happened in my life. I don't have to be a doctor, lawyer, or anything with a degree. I'm fine just being me. I always try too hard but hey it's quirky. Loudmouthed at times as well but at least I'm not too quiet. Means I got personality. I get too defensive with people I care about, but that just means I stand up for the ones most important to me.

Have you(Not the above user or anyone in particular, just talking in generalities.) ever considered trying to get a life insurance policy, offing yourself and letting the money take care of your loved ones? I can't, I shan't, but the thought sure does tantalize from time to time. Time to get a therapist... AGAIN!!! ;P Past time, really...

@yaasshat They wrote a book about it actually. I read it's a classic! But for what it's worth most insurance companies are very good about sorting out those kinds of claims as fraud, so I could not recommend it. Providing for one's family is the duty of each and every man that walks this earth. It's not an easy challenge for many, however one's life far outweighs temporary dollars. Poverty will always find its way to the richest of men. Yet let no man bequeath the greatest poverty upon his children. An absence of his presence. Greater than wealth is a child who knows their father. His weakness as well as his strength, so that they may truly learn what it is to be loved!

Oh, I know that @gabriel_true . lol I love my fiance and especially my kids to much to actually do that anyway. Life is not for the weak. However, I'm allowed to bitch and feel sorry for myself from time to time.lol

@yaasshat I joined the Army to go to war and die so my mom could get money before I had a lover or kids. But, I didn't die. Now the VA takes good care of me so it's still a win.