Random thoughts...

I want to feel, again. Why is it that when something that should FEEL devastating, instead leaves me feeling numb and almost indifferent? I only feel for one in this situation and that's in an empathetic sort of way... I don't like the me I am. Like, not even in a "woe" is me sorta way, I just don't like this version or at least this part of me. I'm sure someone with book smarts could put a name to it, but it's cold.... Or maybe jaded?

@yaasshat Jaded sounds like it could be an accurate way to describe how you feel, it means: "lacking interest or desire because of having experienced too much of something." And the synonyms are: "Tired, Exhausted, Weary, Depleted, Worn out, and Burned out." I know it won't help any...but I hope you are able to keep up that feeling of not liking that part of who've you become, cause to me, that shows you care/still want to care in a way. And it's better than feeling content to stay there in that cold place, even if it's uncomfortable to be there in the first place, I think you should hold tight to that dislike as hard as you can so you aren't completely consumed by such a feeling.

Yeah, it's my ex's dad who literally just died hours ago. I feel for my son, I hurt for him (He was very close with his granddaddy.) and the heart ache he's experiencing. I however, am and have been numb towards that family for a very long time and I know in my heart of hearts that's wrong of me to feel like that. I want to feel more so as to be in a honest headspace and not have to put on a mask in an attempt to convey empathy towards them or cheapen anything I may say to my son. But, thanks for the thoughts on things. @wie_ying

@yaasshat I'm sorry to hear about the loss, even if you don't really feel too strongly about it. I can understand how that feels in a way, when my grandad died (our dad's dad) I didn't really feel sad/empathetic in the sense that it felt personal to me, but I felt more for my dad and his siblings because they were close to him and actually knew him more than my siblings and I did. I know that you have mentioned vaguely some issues you're having with your ex and her side of the family, but I am glad you are still able to feel for your son. It can be hard to truly feel sad when there may be bad feelings towards someone or even when you know you didn't know them well enough to feel sad because of the fact you were close to them. But, I think you know as well as I do that being able to admit such an issue is an important step to at least trying to figure out a way to be/do better. I can't tell you what you should do or not do to feel different about this death as I don't know personal details, however, I do hope you can use that sincere sympathy towards your son to find a way out of this present issue for yourself and to provide that sincere comfort out of your care for him. I know you can do it, just take your time ^^, and I hope you will see how you can do it too (however that may look for you personally). And no need to thank me for such things, Ya-Ya! You're always welcomed.

Of course I honestly feel for my son. For the rest? I can at least feel enough on the humanity(Relatable , that is.) level so as to have honest words, if that makes sense. LOTS of insight on myself over the past few years... Like, A LOT.lol My son was at least excited about getting shown the inside of an ambulance and meeting a police dog. But, to hear him sob... That tears my heart apart.

@yaasshat Well, insight is always better than remaining blind to those things which are issues within ourselves. And that makes sense to me, don't worry. Yeah, it sucks to hear those you love cry out of sadness. I hope your son is able to find his own peace with this in it's due time, for now, crying is definitely a great option. I'm happy that he was able to find some semblance of joy within the situation, childish innocence is always an amazing thing, but, my family always says that funerals are also a time to remember the life of the one who's passed on and to remember the (hopefully) good times spent with them. I hope he's able to remember any good times with his grandad fondly and in love, to celebrate the life that was lived.

@yaasshat My condolences for your son's loss of his grandfather. It appears he at least got to spend enough time with the man to create lasting memories that hopefully will serve him well in the years to come. As for your apathy, I can empathize with why you have that view of your former wife's family. That said I feel you did the correct thing by at least acknowledging your son's relationship is different than your own with how he's tied to them. It goes without saying human connections are layered with many different intersecting paths with people coming and going throughout each individuals life. One person's experience can genuinely be different with the same individual you personally had difficulty with. Both circumstances can be true based on his and your personal interactions with said grandfather. Loving your son and understanding why his relationship was more positive than yours with the same man shows you have the ability to discern others' feelings in a healthy way. My family is equally fragmented. My mother and I often clash because her relationship with specific family members tends to be more negative than my own. Often she'll say in front of me something very negative about these people that were important to myself. In regards to her mother, my grandmother, she'll vent her frustrations even knowing I didn't have the same experiences and had nothing, but love for my grandma. I as the son/grandson have had to compartmentalize both my mom's and I's feelings into separate categories to maintain peace between us, however I do find myself hurt when she still comments disparaging thoughts about a woman long dead for decades. All this to say, I would only advise being guarded around saying anything negative about your son's grandpa in front of him in the years to come. We often times don't realize how our offhanded words could be affecting the people we most care about when we do. Hopefully whatever experience you genuinely had with the man you were able to at least bury with his casket and move on with your son's brighter view of the world as well as his future with that side of the family.