Making others happy

So recently I was having a discussion with my therapist on how your happiness shouldn’t be dictated by others, because of how it can be detrimental yourself. I just found it weird because to me if I’m in a situation where I could have done something to make someones experience better, or feel better in general I don’t feel well till I do something about it. I guess the point is to be ok with the idea that you can’t always make accommodations for everyone, but I get seriously depressed if I can’t. What do you guys do in these situations and how do you handle it? Maybe I should just “toughen up” a little.

You want to help people, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you feel you can do something, take action. And if you can't do anything, don't linger in self-pity. Either way, learn from it. However, you can't fix everyone's problems, nor should you make it your duty to, especially if it means that you end up demeaning yourself as a means just to fulfill another person's needs or make them happy. So if say, a person close to you starts ignoring you or treating you like garbage, would you do everything you can to maintain your friendship with them or would you call them out that that's unacceptable and be prepared to leave them if need be? Its good to care about the people and friends around us, but you should only truly look out for people close to you, whether they're close friends or family.....otherwise, you'll tear yourself apart trying too hard and doing too much to help people you barely even know. I'm not saying you can't help people who you aren't super close to, I'm just saying to not put them ahead of your own worth by sticking with people who demean or don't respect you as you should be. Care more about yourself before caring about others. That's not selfish, that's self-respect. Its just more about you building your self-worth and self-esteem up enough to be confident enough to believe and be content with yourself....otherwise, you'll just keep trying to help others because you wanna be of use to them or loved, rather than acknowledging you yourself already have a helluva lot of worth.

It's not like you shouldn't help, but it's hard to make others happy when one isn't in the best situation either. There are moments when you need to distance yourself from the negativity and focus on your own happiness. Negative emotions are easily stuck on other people, so if you are not well yourself, it doesn't allow you to be better. My mother is the kind of person that can't say no to others. When my grandfather was in his last years, she was the person that helped the most, by far, to take care of him. She is an energetic woman, but those years drained her well being. She loved her father, but you can imagine how gloom can be taking care of a dying man. After all that is over, not much later another relative was in similar condition, but she HAS to say no to give that help. It's not like she doesn't like the other relative, but that's a clear moment when she needed to focus on herself and her time. Maybe it sounds a bit extreme compared to everyday situations, but it just to show something more clear.

@azurem ya you’re right! @whisp that’s good advice, thank you for the example!

My two modes use to basically be "Intense People Pleaser" or "Shut-In Hermit". I just kind of worked through it organically as I got older. I don't really know or have any advice on how to find a happy medium between the two, but it is good you're seeing a therapist and exploring these concepts.

At the risk of sounding bitter, I've done that most of my life and got screwed over and treated like crap more than I can say. There's takers and givers, and givers get taken advantage of all the time. That's just how it works. In the end you gotta realize the world rewards assholes and that's all there is to it. No one gives you pats on the back for good deeds. When I hurt myself or give things up for people, no one cares, there's no rewards. It's just endless suffering for the sake of random people who couldn't care less.