Dealing with rejection and anxiety: outcome independence. How do you cope?

Greetings, I have touched on this topic in some of the threads recently but I thought this topic might be good for discussion on its own. How do you deal with rejection? It is an uneasy feeling to soak in without it messing with your head sometimes. Everyone deals with it in their own way with varying degree of difficulty. Compare notes people and it might help someone out. I practice a concept known as 'outcome independence' by some, but I learned it the hard way long before I heard of it. To me there is a sweet spot between optimism and pessimism. If you can work from that mental place of reference be it relationships or career you have a higher chance of success as you can focus your energies wisely and if you fail you have the mental and/or emotional clarity to learn from the experience improving your chances in future endeavors. I am going to speak in the context of relationships as universally for men and women as much as I can. Imagine you meet that person that stirs something pleasant in your soul that you can't ignore. It is important you process that and decide how to deal with those feelings and decide what you are going to do as soon as feasible for a good reason I'll get to later. Imagine then you decide to ask this person out. This is where anxiety really starts to kick in and is completely natural. When you are really attracted to someone your head automatically mixes up a cocktail of hormones making you similar to having a couple alcoholic drinks more so in the beginning of relationships. Your body temp rises the speech becomes less articulate and concentration becomes more difficult. To me I use this phenomenon as a benchmark to help gauge my intent. There is a fine but discernible line between love and lust and at this point my feelings help me see that line and figure out where I am at. Lust usually there is little anxiety because my body just wants to feed an instinct and my body language and words naturally subconsciously convey that and if they are of the same mind it just happens spontaneously or it doesn't and the feeling quickly passes. If it is more romantic there is more anxiety because personal long term values and judgements enter the equation aka it matters more and it's hard to dismiss it. The longer I wait the more I subconsciously invest into the concept of the person and the more the anxiety builds and can become too tall a barrier eventually so acting fast or forgetting about it is important. Resolving the issue one way or the other removes the anxiety be it dismissal of the feelings and moving on without exploring the possibility, asking them out successfully, or rejection. To me this is why it is important to resolve it quickly so you do not waste time and there is less emotional stress. If you are too optimistic and invest a mountain of emotional value into this person before ever meeting them or asking them out you are gambling with your heart going all-in inflating the stakes and anxiety. You may then over-think and over-sell yourself or act arrogant or awkward instead of confident making you look less favorable(needy, insecure) lowering your chances of a positive outcome. If fate does not go your way the blow of rejection to your ego is amplified because of all that value you invested into a positive outcome gave it more force like weights on a pendulum. Also if you meet the person and suddenly find out they are not who you idealized in your head all that time you can come off feeling further disappointed or come to doubt your judgement. Your self-esteem can not stay healthy doing this repeatedly and eventually you can fall into the other side of the coin or worse; never taking risks again because it hurts too much. If you are too pessimistic your tone of voice/word choices and body language will sabotage you to guarantee the negative outcome you were counting on frequently. This happens on a subconscious level but critical analysis will reveal it clear as day looking back at it later on. You might show submissive/uncomfortable body language, tend to self-deprecate, or advertise negative qualities trying to be cool and say they don't trip you up(but really do). This demonstrates low confidence and self-esteem; not attractive to most people. Playing to lose is the best way to guarantee rejection IMHO. So what is the answer? Damned if you do, damned if you don't right? NO I say. Be outcome independent. It's going to be alright either way. The sun will still rise tomorrow and new people enter and leave your sphere of presence naturally all throughout life. Not all attractive people are meant for you and more than one person will feel the same way about you when you like them but you have to get out there and run into them naturally as hunting them is a futile time wasting task. Resist the urge to over-invest in the positive outcome or count on the negative one. Play to win like as if you have nothing to lose. Enjoy the journey instead of obsessing over the destination. If I get rejected I can relax there is nothing more to worry about. Sure it hurts but there is an old warriors saying 'never let them see you bleed'. Smile and be gracious moving on as casually as you arrived. It is better to be forgotten than remembered in a negative light. If you have to beat yourself up over it do it later when you can look back on it objectively to learn instead of self-denigrate. Resist lashing back at rejection as it only reinforces or adds a new good reason for the person to reject you. It displays poor character and low value. I have got hit on from girls I did not expect because they saw me take rejection well from someone else and it impressed them. Food for thought....it takes practice.

That's a really good outlook to have and a lot of people can learn from it. Personally I experienced both being overly optimistic and overly pessimistic. In my case when I was younger, like early college, I was way too optimistic. Every girl I met I was like "She's the greatest, I can see myself with her etc..." and that definitely affected my relationships negatively because it blinded from seeing who the person in front of me really was and what needs they had. I was also way too pessimistic up until recently where I thought no woman would ever like me and that deeply impacted my self confidence. Right now, what has worked a lot for me, is remembering not to take rejection too personally. 90% of how a person reacts to you when they first meet you is completely unconscious and has nothing to do with you. For example if that person is having a bad day it doesn't matter who you are, they will most likely react overly hostile to anyone who approaches them. This goes for male and female. So it's silly to take it too personally. Always remember you are at your best when you are being your true and most genuine and happy self. So try to maintain that, and as corny as it sounds, don't let people have the power to take your happiness away. If you can maintain a positive attitude and stick to being yourself and having a good time you will have a much better time handling rejection and forming new relationships.

Rejection sucks, but once it happens, I just move on. I'm not one to invest time trying to be with a girl who is clearly not interested in me in that way. I did that way to much in my late teens and early 20s. I will say I've used a lot of what I've learned and thought back about what I could have potentially said or done wrong and used that as a learning tool for what to do and not to do when meeting new people. I haven't had a gf in about 4 years due to various reasons, but I will say I'm not nearly as socially awkward as I was even 10 years ago. Its all about self improvement and taking baby steps to make it happen over time.

Great read,I'll have to keep this in mind Jst so out of practice Though.

I useuly seclude my self and Play Video games or lesion to music or research something I like, or hike, that's how I cope with rejection as well as being a loner wish I could not be a loner