In Pursuit of Christ

The mountain is moving. Thank you Jesus T_T. I was down on my faith. But, still holding on tight to it. When my pastor message me to check on me. I told him I'm holding on I need a mountain moved and I'm trying to surrender. I just vented to him and told him I'm alright. After that I had a change of heart and the thing I had no strength to do before I have the strength to do now. I felt the chains loosening right after talking to my pastor. The chains keeping me from actions in love. Just because I'm a narcissist that doesn't feel anything love is not always a feeling it's a action. And, the chains keeping me from acting is loosening and Imma run away with the slack and remember what's it's like to be free for even a moment. Hallelujah God is good. Mountains do move. It wasn't my strength that moved it I tell you that because I had none. All Glory to the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit. Surrender leads to freedom just a moment of slack on the chains that bind me I know God is for me. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8b1SP9G/

Attacks are brutal today and i'm a bit lost. It's one of those days where I give up the act that i'm not a mess. That I have perfect faith. That I can change my heart. Truth is I can't act anymore im lost and asking you to pick up the pieces. You didn't say fix yourself before coming to you. You said come as you are. I can't do right no matter how much i try so im coming as i am bringing you my brokeness

I went through the darkness and fire today to be refined. I had my faith tested and broken today but jesus held on to me when i couldn't hold on. What I learned that got me through it that now remains with me is I'm still loved. Think of any excuse or feeling your still loved. The voices had no counter that could continue to hurt and confuse me I'm still loved defused it all. Knowing how loved you are is powerful and protects you. I don't question it anymore that leaves doorways to the enemy. Before being put to this fire I questioned it. Now it's refined faith in me that I'm loved. Hopefully God chill on me that wasn't fun I was lost. I'm not as strong as I think I am but I love running my mouth. How sweet it is to be loved by you and unchanging love. One you can hold on to that's steady and sturdy in times of need. The unfailing love of God thank you. I couldn't see your love clearly till it saved me. Your love gave me strength. This fire forced me to rely on your love and acknowledge it as the only thing worth holding on to where I was iffy about relying on it and acknowledging it before. You gave me strength when I was weak thank you.

In my reading of the Christian scriptures it appears the best way to view this plane of existence we currently inhabit as a tutorial for how to live properly. As human scholars have pointed out, many past and present civilizations (Atheist, Pagan, or otherwise) share a common view that the road we are on is meant to improve ourselves. Ultimately for those of us who pursue Christ we understand that the core of Life is a foundation of set truths that hold us together when the ground beneath us ultimately shifts. This doesn't deny the ability to adapt or evolve, but merely have confidence that our Creator is and has always given humanity wisdom as well as tools to survive and thrive despite the odds. For that I am greatful to Him. I am greatful to Life. The God of Abraham is infact Life made sentient. He impowers us as well as teaches His creations through allowing them the freedom to experience it different ways, yet ultimately holding them accountable for their mistakes. It's as a good parent does. The child makes a mistake, the parent instructs what went wrong. The child then has the important decision to heed the parent and take proper actions or defy and end up fully accountable for their inevitable disappointment. The parent then rewards or disciplines that child to teach the meaning of taking responsibility for their actions. Good or bad. This appears to be the best way to explain the current world we as humans reside in. A training wheel world where mistakes are allowed to happen under God's guidance until the final days we as humanity reach our maturity to take them off and receive us as the spiritual adults He strives for us to be. Of course some never mature and for those that do not they will have only themselves to blame for never listening to their Heavenly Father or paying attention to what their spiritual brothers and sisters were doing correctly despite their shortcomings.

I discovered empathy something they say a narcissist can't do. They say it's impossible. But, nothings impossible for God. I discovered in a low place remembering myself. The emptiness the loneliness the unfairness. The thought that nobody is coming to make it all better. That made me realize how I didn't come for people. How unfair I been to people. The pain I feel made me realize how I must protect people from the same pain. In my wrestling with God I realized he remembers me. And, I realized one crucial thing as a narcissist I keep remembering myself. The reason I'm not there for nobody is because I keep remembering myself. I remember what I can't do. I remember how selfish I am. I remember the lies the devil told me about God. I remember the pain inside me and the pain around me. I remember to fight with God. But, then I realized I don't have to remember this pain it's already remembered by God. I'm forgetting self. I'm forgetting my pain my limitations my beef with God my beef with myself. Cause God remembers me and I'm important to him. Narcissist remember themselves to much I see now I must make room to remember others. I found I'm more susceptible to God teachings if I don't remember myself. To me that's dying to self not remembering the pain that made me question God. Because God remembers. And, by not remembering I can forget the old and step into the new. I don't have to stay stuck remembering the old I can move forward with new memory Edit: I'm always remembering something old that God can't put anything new in me. Therefore I forget myself. The pain The limitations The knowledge against God.

My mother has over the course of her life blended Christian beliefs with Eastern concepts of reincarnation. She insists upon the writings of a false prophet named Edgar Cayce who, while claiming to be Presbyterian, pursued arcane knowledge provided to him by spirits that claimed to know secrets of the Holy Spirit not revealed in the written scripture. These teachings are still enshrined in a museum here in Virginia to this day, however those that congregate to provide seminars in today's era will tell you plainly they are NOT followers of Christ nor do they wish to be associated as such. Rather they desire to sell their own occult practices involving money in exchange for entertainment instead of genuine spiritual teachings. Circling back to the original point, it says in Corinthians 15 that humans do not need multiple physical forms to reach spiritual maturity. Whether we live for a day or 100 years is all we need to become compatible with connecting to the God of Abraham who is Life. Therefore how many lifetimes does it take to do what's right? To live a life that's righteous. We don't need anymore times on this Earth to live correctly and repent for whatever we've fallen short of outside of this one. God knows at the final moment of our physical heart's last beat what kind of a person we're destined to be in the Spirit.

I overcame my battle with lust. All it took was a few tiktoks where God was telling me don't do it again. And, I realized what I been getting away with and what's at stake. The firmness of the message and repeats of the same message broke me. I now have a strong conviction that has been keeping me clean. Now I just gotta quit vaping. Not enough tiktoks about God and smoking.

1 Corinthians 6:19–20 (NIV): "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies." 1 Corinthians 3:16 "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?" Don't have much to say about TikTok, but God mentioned multiple times in scripture that he dwells within us. In other words if you had any concerns about quitting behaviors that would quench the Holy Spirit I would make that reason enough. Basically Christ is your roommate. Decide carefully what you expose Him to within you.

In times such as these remembering to control one's inner fury can be quite the beast of burden. I can't say the Devil isn't a master of creating situations that tease this weakness out of myself. Matthew 5:21-26

https://i.ani.me/0382/3572/1000009475.png https://i.ani.me/0382/3580/1000009477.png https://i.ani.me/0382/3581/1000009479.png https://i.ani.me/0382/3568/1000009471.png https://i.ani.me/0382/3569/1000009473.png https://i.ani.me/0382/3584/1000009481.png The best way to practice faith is through one's actions. Life is in of itself a tutorial for what comes next after the physical body. There are times to fast and times of rest, however it's not the same if, by some preventable circumstances, one is forced into a dire situation. God asks us to lean on Him when something is outside our control, but He never said not to get your own hands dirty when it's a daily responsibility to one's community as well as self. https://i.ani.me/0382/3596/1000009484.png