In Pursuit of Christ

I quit Jesus my love is abrasive because I'm fueled with urgency. Your love is gentle only you can reach em. Normal people are so beautiful and delicate. I'm just a narcissist who wanna help. But lack of time has fooled all the gentleness out of me. I don't know if my fire brings you glory. I will let you handle the battle because it was always yours. Imma rest now. I never truly rested and didn't worry about others and the world. But, now I can. Please take this weight off my shoulders that I shouldn't be carrying because it wasn't meant for you. You said have no faith in man and I guess that includes my self. I will always fall short. I will fail them. But, you won't. I pray you help them Jesus. I can't stand to see them suffer. You say he that trusteth in his own heart is a fool. My pride in my intelligence told my heart we out of time. So my heart forgot gentleness and opted for abrasiveness instead. But, in your word it says you are always on time. And, that we shouldn't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. For each day has enough trouble of it's own. Sorry I let my worrying rob me and others of there peace and joy. It's in your hands lord I quit and I rest finally.

I won’t lie, for my words reflect on myself, to my lord & savior Jesus Christ. For years I didn’t open my bible, thinking it won’t bring me peace nor fix my past pain. It wasn’t until recently I opened the good book again learning to reconnect with God’s word, obey his commands, listen for them, and learn patience. I also learned forgiveness from Jesus Christ’s life. I forgave everyone who hurt me in my past, for this world even, put a perfect man up on that cross who died for us screaming for our Heavenly Father to forgive us as he breathed his last up there on that mound. Who am I to hold pain inside and resent? I’m just a pebble compared to the mountain that is Jesus Christ. For it is he, who, can move those very same mountains with faith alone. So I forgive everybody that wronged me and still dislikes me. That’s okay. I got my God & Jesus and I trust them. ^^

Like Paul said the good I want to do I don't do but the evil I don't want to do I do instead of worrying about my grade changing and feeling wrecthed and worthless I feel it's better to accept the grade of unworthy. I keep thinking if I try harder I'll be worthy that's where the pain is originating from. The pain is coming from all the perseverance and effort I put into being perfect and pleasing to God. I realize it hurts but it shouldn't. It only hurts because I don't know or acknowledge myself to be unworthy. I keep trying to be worthy of God's love that's why I feel no peace and pain when I realize and have to acknowledge my unworthiness. It is through Christ sacrifice and faith in him we are made worthy and this worthiness acts as a gift that inspires a life of gratitude, intentional holiness, and service. A way of living that reflects His gospel. Holiness: Through Christ’s sacrifice, believers are declared righteous (justified) and set apart for God's purpose. I always feel self loathing when feelings of unworthiness come upon but what I should be feeling is gratitude because Jesus Love is a free gift. It's pride because of the belief my worth depends on my performance. When God's grace covers our mistakes so we won't give into despair and shame. I can't make myself worthy of God's love that's impossible. I acknowledge myself to be unworthy. It is through his sacrifice and belief in him we are worthy which should have the response of gratitude, intentional holiness, and service. So I won't self loath no more I'll just say thank you for loving the imperfect me.

I try to listen to bk pastor every morning on tiktok if I can he talked about being divinely confined recently. I realize I'm divinely confined. Narcissism isn't a punishment. It's so the works of God can be showed through me. I can't wait to tell people he made a way when there was none. He already has me in a good place that I never thought could be possible. So I boast with joy that my God is the God of the impossible. They said I'd never have awareness but I have. They said I'd never stop feeling entitled to things and attention but I have. They said I'd never stop seeking validation but I have. They said I'd never make anyone happy but I have. They said I'd never stop trying to control others but I have. They said I'd never be able to form my own sense of self or self esteem or validate my heart but I have. They said he will never notice his pride but I have. They said he's his own God he will never surrender but I am one piece at a time. The voices say I'm evil and the chains will never break but Jesus says you are mine no one will snatch you out of my hand I will set you free. They said I'm a dead man but I'm alive in Christ. All Glory be to God. Thank you Jesus. And, he just getting started with the blessings. He has a plan for me declares the Lord. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. I have a purpose that's why I'm divinely confined. I'm not perfect but he working on me. Jesus have your way. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence; and take not your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation; and uphold me with your free spirit.” Hallelujah. Amen. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I know I'm not entitled to any blessings that's why I'm so thankful for how he has blessed me. I just learned today I'm not entitled to any blessings thanks to bk pastor. It's a free gift so I'm thankful. The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.