In Pursuit of Christ

I quit Jesus my love is abrasive because I'm fueled with urgency. Your love is gentle only you can reach em. Normal people are so beautiful and delicate. I'm just a narcissist who wanna help. But lack of time has fooled all the gentleness out of me. I don't know if my fire brings you glory. I will let you handle the battle because it was always yours. Imma rest now. I never truly rested and didn't worry about others and the world. But, now I can. Please take this weight off my shoulders that I shouldn't be carrying because it wasn't meant for you. You said have no faith in man and I guess that includes my self. I will always fall short. I will fail them. But, you won't. I pray you help them Jesus. I can't stand to see them suffer. You say he that trusteth in his own heart is a fool. My pride in my intelligence told my heart we out of time. So my heart forgot gentleness and opted for abrasiveness instead. But, in your word it says you are always on time. And, that we shouldn't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. For each day has enough trouble of it's own. Sorry I let my worrying rob me and others of there peace and joy. It's in your hands lord I quit and I rest finally.

I won’t lie, for my words reflect on myself, to my lord & savior Jesus Christ. For years I didn’t open my bible, thinking it won’t bring me peace nor fix my past pain. It wasn’t until recently I opened the good book again learning to reconnect with God’s word, obey his commands, listen for them, and learn patience. I also learned forgiveness from Jesus Christ’s life. I forgave everyone who hurt me in my past, for this world even, put a perfect man up on that cross who died for us screaming for our Heavenly Father to forgive us as he breathed his last up there on that mound. Who am I to hold pain inside and resent? I’m just a pebble compared to the mountain that is Jesus Christ. For it is he, who, can move those very same mountains with faith alone. So I forgive everybody that wronged me and still dislikes me. That’s okay. I got my God & Jesus and I trust them. ^^

Like Paul said the good I want to do I don't do but the evil I don't want to do I do instead of worrying about my grade changing and feeling wrecthed and worthless I feel it's better to accept the grade of unworthy. I keep thinking if I try harder I'll be worthy that's where the pain is originating from. The pain is coming from all the perseverance and effort I put into being perfect and pleasing to God. I realize it hurts but it shouldn't. It only hurts because I don't know or acknowledge myself to be unworthy. I keep trying to be worthy of God's love that's why I feel no peace and pain when I realize and have to acknowledge my unworthiness. It is through Christ sacrifice and faith in him we are made worthy and this worthiness acts as a gift that inspires a life of gratitude, intentional holiness, and service. A way of living that reflects His gospel. Holiness: Through Christ’s sacrifice, believers are declared righteous (justified) and set apart for God's purpose. I always feel self loathing when feelings of unworthiness come upon but what I should be feeling is gratitude because Jesus Love is a free gift. It's pride because of the belief my worth depends on my performance. When God's grace covers our mistakes so we won't give into despair and shame. I can't make myself worthy of God's love that's impossible. I acknowledge myself to be unworthy. It is through his sacrifice and belief in him we are worthy which should have the response of gratitude, intentional holiness, and service. So I won't self loath no more I'll just say thank you for loving the imperfect me.

I try to listen to bk pastor every morning on tiktok if I can he talked about being divinely confined recently. I realize I'm divinely confined. Narcissism isn't a punishment. It's so the works of God can be showed through me. I can't wait to tell people he made a way when there was none. He already has me in a good place that I never thought could be possible. So I boast with joy that my God is the God of the impossible. They said I'd never have awareness but I have. They said I'd never stop feeling entitled to things and attention but I have. They said I'd never stop seeking validation but I have. They said I'd never make anyone happy but I have. They said I'd never stop trying to control others but I have. They said I'd never be able to form my own sense of self or self esteem or validate my heart but I have. They said he will never notice his pride but I have. They said he's his own God he will never surrender but I am one piece at a time. The voices say I'm evil and the chains will never break but Jesus says you are mine no one will snatch you out of my hand I will set you free. They said I'm a dead man but I'm alive in Christ. All Glory be to God. Thank you Jesus. And, he just getting started with the blessings. He has a plan for me declares the Lord. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. I have a purpose that's why I'm divinely confined. I'm not perfect but he working on me. Jesus have your way. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence; and take not your holy spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation; and uphold me with your free spirit.” Hallelujah. Amen. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I know I'm not entitled to any blessings that's why I'm so thankful for how he has blessed me. I just learned today I'm not entitled to any blessings thanks to bk pastor. It's a free gift so I'm thankful. The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.

https://youtu.be/YsDkWUJxtU4?si=lgeTd8b2EOEcimu- Another unconventional worship song to devote to God I'm not going anywhere until you make me move.

2 THINGS THE DEVIL DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THE DEVIL ACCUSATIONS ARE NOT A GUILTY VERDICT. Jesus sheed his blood to intercede for us in the Courts of Heaven. Jesus provides continuous intercession for us. So that we may be justified and rightoues before God. All we have to do is acknowledge that we are a sinner and seek his forgiveness and repent of our sins and have faith that Jesus died on the Cross for our sins and rose on the third day with all power in his hands. If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord & Saviour and invite him into your life & heart you will be saved. Then all you have to do is keep your eyes on Jesus and follow him. You may fall and stumble sometimes. You may stop at times and look at other things. But, as long as you keep your heart and eyes on Jesus he will get you where you need to be. Your walk ain't gotta be pretty or perfect. Jesus knows we all fall short of the Glory of God. The devil will accuse you when you fall and stumble. The devil will pick you apart with his judgement and accusations cause we all fall short of the Glory of God. But, Jesus says do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. Jesus calls us by name but he knows more than just our names he knows us all deeply he knows how imperfect we are he knows the battles we face he cares for us more than we can understand. LISTEN WHEN I TELL YOU THIS. THIS THE BIG SECRET THAT THE DEVIL DON'T WANT GETTING OUT. JESUS LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL. YOU HEAR ME? SO DON'T GO PUTTING CONDITIONS ON IT. PERIOD. So, don't go I did bad Jesus doesn't love me. I didn't read my bible Jesus doesn't love me. I'm to fucked up Jesus doesn't love me. I don't love God so Jesus doesn't love me. I don't believe in a God so Jesus doesn't love me. Well my life is falling apart Jesus doesn't love me. Well I'm not obedient Jesus doesn't love me. LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY THIS JESUS LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY. Humans put conditions on Love. GOD DOES NOT. Jesus gives us grace and mercy so that in our stumbling and falling we can always have HOPE. So always have HOPE. Your never to far gone for Jesus. Your mistakes wasn't Jesus breaking point. He loves us unconditionally so that we may have HOPE and continue following him best we can. Jesus says go ye and learn what that meaneth, I will have mercy, and not sacrifice: for I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jesus wants us to know that we can have HOPE in his UNFAILING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. THE DEVIL WILL TRY TO DECEIVE YOU WITH JUDGEMENT AND ACCUSATIONS THAT GOD LOVE IS CONDITIONAL. In Colossians 1:22 it says But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation". So when the devil accuses you stand FIRM in your FAITH. And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night. THE 2 BIGS SECRETS... 1. GOD LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL 2. THE DEVIL ACCUSATIONS IS NOT A GUILTY VERDICT We all fall short of the Glory of God so don't let the devil pick you apart and lead you into despair and condemnation. There are no conditions on God's Love it's unconditional. Just follow him as best you can and he will take care of you and get you where you need to be. Isaiah 42:3, part of the first Servant Song, portrays the Messiah’s gentle, restorative nature: "A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice" (ESV). It promises compassion for the weak and broken, rather than harsh destruction. Divine Compassion: The verse highlights the servant's tenderness toward the vulnerable and struggling, symbolized by a "bruised reed" (someone fragile) and a "dimly burning wick" (someone whose hope is almost gone).

I said I would stop talking about sensitive topics because I now understand boundaries and the sacredness of others. I would ask if it's ok to preach the gospel here and share what I learned. But, I have a feeling i'm not a liked messenger. The realizations I have just to good to keep to myself. I would like to share them but I don't want to cross any boundaries. I listen to bk pastor every morning on tiktok he said he gonna call me about a question I had. I'm gonna ask him if I'm doing the right thing by sharing the gospel with strangers when they didn't ask for it. I understand and acknowledge that I like sharing the word of God and what I learned with others. Maybe that will blossom one day and I will blossom as a christian and I will be sharing the gospel and what I learned with people who want to hear it. I don't know what that will look like. But, I know God has a plan for me I just don't know what it is. I know I want to help people and other narcissists and other schizophrenics find God and share what I learned during spiritual warfare. This may not be the platform for it. And, I may be to inexperienced at connecting with people. Also, my faith is not mature. I may not reflect Christ in my writing. It's gonna be hard to keep my mouth shut. But, I know there will be a time and a place to share what I know if I keep following God.

l said I wouldn't talk about sensitive topics anymore cause I felt I crossed others sacredness and boundaries. But, nobody has said I crossed there boundaries. So I may be over reacting. I will try to share the gospel as respectful as I can. This forum page exists so I think it's alright. I'm not seeking human validation I'm seeking to please God. What I found helpful in my walk is this... Submit your thoughts before God. I just understood this thanks to listening to pastor bk on tiktok. God says casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; surrender is hard to understand but I finally have something to practice. I just realize some of my thoughts and emotions are untrustworthy and bring me out of alignment with God. Sometimes I get angry at God when the voices provoke me. Now I submit that anger to God. I didn't understand what submitting your thoughts before God meant until pastor bk said he submits all his emotions to God. And, that stuck with me. When I get anger I exalteth myself against the knowledge of God. So I learned to submit such thoughts and emotions to God. When I doubt and despair I submit those thoughts and emotions to God and don't allow it to effect my solid footing. To better explain it I'm in the beginner stages of understanding that I can better please God by trusting him rather than my thoughts and emotions. My emotions and thoughts lie on God. My thoughts and emotions challenge God. My thoughts and emotions lie to me. But, God he does not lie. When I realized my thoughts and emotions sometimes stand in the way of me loving God I started submitting them. Because they are sometimes untrustworthy. But, God is trustworthy. His way not my way. Jesus said unto him, “‘Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. I understand we have to align our minds with God and actively try to be submit it. I'm trading what I think and feel for something solid. I can now handle the voices at high volume and can even fall asleep easy with them like that because I'm holding my thoughts captive to the word of God. When I first learned to hold my thoughts captive and submit my thoughts before God I kept crying in the process of taking thoughts captive. I don't know why i was crying. But, I was submitting even those emotions and tears to God I just didn't want to be disturbed out of alignment cause I had just understood it for the first time. Now it's easier to submit my thoughts to God without crying now that I understand it. Sometimes I lock in fr onto Jesus that is solid. And, sometimes i listen to my thoughts and emotions. Not that they all bad i just have to learn to discern which is helping me get closer to God and which isn't. To God be the Glory for strengthening my mind enough to hold thoughts captive. And, if you don't know Jesus love is unconditional so don't go putting conditions on it. It's a trap to put conditions on it. Humans put conditions on love God doesn't. Now I know how to pause examine thoughts then anchor into something solid. Knowing that you can actually take thoughts and emotions captive and do something with them like submit them to God will be a big help in my walk. I found it keeps me from getting worked up about the voices and some of the things I think and feel. Definitely improved my quality of life.

I’m honing in on pride thanks to listening to my pastor every morning. There has to be less of me and more of God—less of my way and more of God’s way. When I look at my fight as a narcissist and someone who struggles with schizophrenia, I sometimes find myself asking, “God, why haven’t you acknowledged what I’ve done?” I see that I have more awareness than a narcissist is supposed to have. I try to be vulnerable and completely honest in my reflections in search of truth. I even rely on God’s word when I reflect or write. I’ve learned that I can validate my heart, and I’ve learned to stop my primitive instincts to defend myself. I no longer try to control people, and I no longer need validation if it’s not God’s validation. You knew how blind I was when I first discovered I was a narcissist. I was ruled by impulses that were outside of my awareness. Over time, I’ve even learned to discern the tricks of the schizophrenic voices. Personally, I feel like I’ve come a long way. I’ve even made my girlfriend happy to the point of tears. For a long time I wondered when God would acknowledge my effort. But today I realized that while I have worked hard to grow and change, every good thing in my life is still a gift from God. My effort matters, but the strength and opportunity behind it come from Him. Humility recognizes that every blessing, every success, every outcome, and every reward ultimately comes from God. James 1:17 — “Every good and perfect gift is from above.” I understand now that part of being refined is learning not to take pride in what should belong to God. The glory was always His, not mine. 2 Corinthians 12:9–10 — “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. Weakness was meant to humble us so that we rely on God’s strength. John 15:5 says, “I am the vine, ye are the branches. He that abideth in Me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without Me ye can do nothing.” I did the opposite of being humble. I became more proud of my strength the more hardships I had been through, as if my strength produced the fruit, when apart from God we can do nothing. I felt more and more deserving of glory as time went on. I just wanted to be a good and strong soldier and be acknowledged by God. I wanted Him to see and acknowledge my effort in some way. But that would have kept me prideful. Zechariah 4:6 says, “Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the Lord unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, saith the Lord of hosts.” I thought my might and power would be recognized and that’s how my spiritual tasks would be completed. But it’s not by might or power—it’s by the Spirit. And even the strength I thought I had was never my own; it was by His Spirit. So now I return the glory back to Jesus where it rightly belongs. There has to be less of me and more of Jesus—His way, not my way. I hope and pray I continue to be humbled before the Lord. I still want to be a good and strong soldier; I just know now where the strength comes from. I no longer have pride in my successes. I now have gratitude for the One who carried me to them.

I'm gonna try surrendering as best as I know how. God said not by might nor by power but by the spirit. I have the spiritual task to love people. But, the mountain of self won't move. I have people waiting on me to get better. I accept I can't move this mountain. So I'm trusting God to move it because I know he can. Jesus tells his disciples, "For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you. The spiritual task to love others feels impossible with my own strength. This mountain called narcissism is in my way. I hack at the mountain and move pieces at a time but I'm tired of hacking away at this mountain with my own strength. I need help. I try to tunnel through the mountain to meet others needs some times I make it sometimes the weight of the mountain collapses my path and the rocks become harder almost like the moutain is my heart... stone always blocking my path. I need this mountain of self & narcissism to move. God says I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh". I'm tired of dealing with stubborn stones. I can't wait any longer I'm tired how hard the stone is. I need help so I'm finally gonna try my hardest to surrender to God people are waiting on me. Stone is resistant to change. Instead of using all my strength to make a path everytime I trust God will move the whole mountain. Somethings deeply wrong with me and I don't think I can fix it with might and power I think it's only by his spirit. Lord have mercy on me. I need that heart of flesh that changes.