How do you feel?

I feel I'm actually blessed~I've been appreciated and helped by many people I happened to come across so far, though I'm rather withdrawn and unresponsive.Also thanks to some schizoid traits and stream of thoughts, even the evil took the initiative to leave me.

mixed feelings, recently good stuff has happend like my school grades andmeeting new people and friends on MO, helping random people I don't know find the train station and paying a dinner for my family but at same time I kinda feel more depressed everyday and I keep wondering why I'm feeling sad and then I remember past or things I could have done better and end up getting a headache :/

I feel like my life has become nothingness. I can't get up in the morning, I can't sleep at night, I'm not motivated to do anything at all. All these plans and thoughts and feelings I had are just lost, and now there is nothing. Just a void. And it's slowly eating me up.

Starting a university course for first time ever next week so yeah, the whole chaotic rollercoaster... Excited, petrified, feeling inadequate and blazing determination all at once. My brain is utterly scrambled. Oh... and in need of cookies @neko_neko_nya :D

Well since I started this thread, I might ass well share something. I'm not good at this, So bear with me. I have been depressed for quite a while now. I believe it's 5 years. When I started feeling like this, I did the same thing as everybody else. I put on a mask. Every time people asked, "How are you?" I always gave the same answer "I'm good'. I lied again and again and again and again and again. I just suppressed my feelings. And now? I almost don't feel them. I have nothing. No love, No real friends, No hobby, My health is fucked up, and so on. I just have nothing. So, I'm just waiting. Waiting for the day, when I die. People always say "It will be alright" but what does that mean? How am I supposed to know what "alright" means, when I always felt empty and worthless? People say "Depression is like a storm. It might be a week, month or a year. But it will go away." But what if you always felt like this? What do you do then? What do you do when you never were happy? What do you do when everything you remember is pain and sadness? I'm just too tired of life. Every day is the same. I wake up, I look in the mirror and what do I see? Nothing. Just an empty shell with a mask on. I even used the mask here. But why? I don't know. It's just natural for me. Just like breathing. But I'm sick of that. When I joined this site and talked to people, I felt a little better. But every time I felt attached to someone, they just left. So I was even more depressed. I was so depressed, that I didn't care about anything. I even told the girl I love, that I don't care about her. That happened like 2 months ago. She never spoke with me again. And here I am. Just waiting to die. But guess what? When you are waiting to die, Every day feels like an eternity. But I had hope. I hoped that I would find someone that would love me. Someone, I could tell anything. Someone that would listen to me. But every time I felt something for someone, they just left. Why? Why? Why? I only want someone to love me. Do I ask for too much? Is it just Impossible? Just why? But I will not make the same mistake again. Hope can only bring you pain. Hope is useless. I wish, I had even one. Even one good memory. But I don't. Every time I look in the past, I see only pain. People always say "You need to tell someone If you need help". But what do you do, when you don't want any? You don't do anything. You just live. And put on that mask every day. Acting like everything is "alright". People might say: "You are too young to know what pain is", "You are too young to find love", " You are not depressed, You just want people to pity you" and so on. But what am I supposed to do? What the fuck am I supposed to do with my fucking life?! Well, that doesn't matter. Like I said many times already. I'm only waiting to die. And nothing will change that. And that's about it. This is my life. This is how I Feel. So, if you came here, Thank you for reading this. And also Congratulations! You know more about me than anyone else. Heh. Like if it mattered. I don't even know why I wrote this. I just felt like it. Anyway, that's it. Thanks again.