How do you feel?

Well since I started this thread, I might ass well share something. I'm not good at this, So bear with me. I have been depressed for quite a while now. I believe it's 5 years. When I started feeling like this, I did the same thing as everybody else. I put on a mask. Every time people asked, "How are you?" I always gave the same answer "I'm good'. I lied again and again and again and again and again. I just suppressed my feelings. And now? I almost don't feel them. I have nothing. No love, No real friends, No hobby, My health is fucked up, and so on. I just have nothing. So, I'm just waiting. Waiting for the day, when I die. People always say "It will be alright" but what does that mean? How am I supposed to know what "alright" means, when I always felt empty and worthless? People say "Depression is like a storm. It might be a week, month or a year. But it will go away." But what if you always felt like this? What do you do then? What do you do when you never were happy? What do you do when everything you remember is pain and sadness? I'm just too tired of life. Every day is the same. I wake up, I look in the mirror and what do I see? Nothing. Just an empty shell with a mask on. I even used the mask here. But why? I don't know. It's just natural for me. Just like breathing. But I'm sick of that. When I joined this site and talked to people, I felt a little better. But every time I felt attached to someone, they just left. So I was even more depressed. I was so depressed, that I didn't care about anything. I even told the girl I love, that I don't care about her. That happened like 2 months ago. She never spoke with me again. And here I am. Just waiting to die. But guess what? When you are waiting to die, Every day feels like an eternity. But I had hope. I hoped that I would find someone that would love me. Someone, I could tell anything. Someone that would listen to me. But every time I felt something for someone, they just left. Why? Why? Why? I only want someone to love me. Do I ask for too much? Is it just Impossible? Just why? But I will not make the same mistake again. Hope can only bring you pain. Hope is useless. I wish, I had even one. Even one good memory. But I don't. Every time I look in the past, I see only pain. People always say "You need to tell someone If you need help". But what do you do, when you don't want any? You don't do anything. You just live. And put on that mask every day. Acting like everything is "alright". People might say: "You are too young to know what pain is", "You are too young to find love", " You are not depressed, You just want people to pity you" and so on. But what am I supposed to do? What the fuck am I supposed to do with my fucking life?! Well, that doesn't matter. Like I said many times already. I'm only waiting to die. And nothing will change that. And that's about it. This is my life. This is how I Feel. So, if you came here, Thank you for reading this. And also Congratulations! You know more about me than anyone else. Heh. Like if it mattered. I don't even know why I wrote this. I just felt like it. Anyway, that's it. Thanks again.

Dude, I uh... I can't say I know what you feel, as everyone has their own stories, but uh... I've kind of been at a similar place once Don't let anyone dictate your life. You know that. You can never be too young to feel something. What you feel is very real and you don not need to justify it to anyone at all. If someone tells you something like that, they are plain damn ignorant. It will not simply 'pass' on it's own. It's far less like a storm, far more like an all-consuming fire. Honestly, most people don't know how to help, and while they may have your best intentions in mind, it is hard to deal with something one does not understand and more so if it is covered with stigma. But also... you can't expect for someone to just love you for the sake of loving you. Magical connections don't exist. If they were to love you for just you, then why you exactly? Why not one of the billions of others? I know this may sound harsh, but... through learning to stand on your own as an independent person, who can stand his ground no matter how few stand by his side, by finding and owning your true self, your sense of purpose can you define yourself, and then... maybe, maybe not, find someone who will love you for the person you are. You need to focus on what you can give... not what you can get in return. Focus on your path, drop all expectations and carry on, no matter what comes your way; the scars in your heart serving as living proof of your battles, and the fact that it can be done after all, for all those who could end up in the same place as you to see. I uh... may sound a little wishy-washy and incoherent, I'm a little sleep deprived right now, so I apologize in advance, but... if this helps you at least a little then I'll be glad I posted this. Never lie about your feelings, neither to yourself or others. They are after all yours and serve to prove something very real. If you want, I can try to tell you of some things that helped me get out. I can't promise they'll work, but I can damn well try. Feel free to message if you see so fit. Whether you do or not, I wish you all the best.

"Too young too...[insert BS statement here]" is an utterly false concept and I can attest to that. I remember being that young and even way back then I was the type of person who always knew what they wanted for themselves and out of life. Age (more often than not) has nothing to do with wisdom and maturity. I have seen children with the wisdom of sages and grown men with the mentality of a bag of bricks. So don't feel bad. If it is any consolation. I know how you feel. And at risk of sharing more of myself than I'd like on the internet, I'll take a chance if it means I can help someone. My situation started around your age and never truly abated. I'm 28 now, and my past has been riddled with a LOT of pain: physical, mental, & emotional. I may go into details at some point in the future but for now I don't think I'm ready for that - besides, it is one hell of a long story. But I will leave you with this: Life will not get better on its own. You have to make it better. Do not procrastinate. You will regret it. And if you already regret it, good. Use that regret to fuel a fire in you to do better, be yourself, and be more. People say "live without regret" well I say that's post-modern crap. Regret is what keeps you from making the same mistake twice and will push you to do better if you don't allow it to swallow you. If you can conquer that instead of just ignoring it, then congratulations, you are stronger than most. If you can't right now? Give it time. If you are young then you have a lot of it. Take it slow, take it easy, breathe, have fun, and keep a look out for a dream to pursue. Despite what a lot of people say, rest and fun are NEVER a waste of time. How else are you supposed to recharge? I'm not really sure if there is a good first step towards making life better but if I had to put a name to one it would be: acceptance. Accept the good, bad, and ugly in life, there will be plenty of each. Accept yourself for who you are and be yourself unapologetically (not belligerently) even if yourself is a generally low-energy, down person (like myself). Never wear a mask... Ever. Once you accept yourself, your lot in life, past, present, all that jazz, then at the very least you can begin growing from there. As for the love-sick out there. I'll say this. Be careful what you wish for... "Better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all" is utter crap... unless it ended due to natural causes and not due to people being fakes. I lost more years than I am currently willing to share because I thought I had found "the one." Never be selfish with your life, but do not under any circumstance find yourself so reliant on another person that you find your self-worth attached to that person. You can love someone with all your heart and still keep your self-worth. Besides, if someone truly loves you they will stand by you and help you no matter what. There is someone out there for everyone. I truly believe that even though so far I have seen little evidence of it. Give it time. I would share some advice in that arena but it might be too personal for here. Perhaps another time. I can't say I am completely better... but for once in my life I don't feel like I'm drowning. Partially because I started to force myself to talk to a few people, make some friends (you know who you are), thinking what do I really have to lose? I spent a majority of my life willingly and (but mostly) unwillingly living under a rock and I decided that had to change. Try to surround yourself with like-minded people with good values. I am an extreme introvert so that is a lot harder for me than it sounds. The biggest reason I might be getting better is because I think I have finally found my self-worth, something that a lot of people around me had gone to great lengths (knowingly or not) to rob me of. Find a hobby, a skill, multiple hobbies, any hobby that makes you happy, you don't have to be good at it, just something that interests you, and develop your skills. That helped a lot more than you might think. Find a dream and pursue it. Find something that lights a fire in your soul. It sounds cheesy as hell but WHEN (not if) you find it you'll understand. To everyone out there who is feeling down or hopeless, take it from someone who has been there their entire life, it does get better. It will never be perfect (perfection by its very nature is unattainable) but it doesn't have to be. This is coming from someone who has reached rock bottom and gone even more under than that. I could probably spend an eternity dishing out life lessons but then this post would be unimaginably long. Since we are on an anime site, I'll give a suggestion that helped me out probably more than it should have: My Hero Academia. If you are the type of person who absorbs stories and lessons instead of engaging in entertainment solely for its distraction value then pay attention to this one. And if you only watched it because it was "cool" then I suggest you go back and pay attention to the actual lessons taught in it. Oh, also go watch Undertale the Musical. That thing will teach you the meaning of determination and forgiveness if you don't know it already. It is equal parts silly, happy, terrifying, and heart-wrenching. If all else fails. Treat life like you would a game. Time, energy, and money are your resources. Happiness, satisfaction, and goal-achievement is your score. Learn to be a pragmatist and a utilitarian with your resources. Learning from stories (others' and fiction) is your meta-gaming. Aim for the high-score in everything. No one likes to lose. So don't lose this one! I hope this was helpful and motivational on some level, and cohesive. I wasn't exactly trying or expecting to write an essay here but I guess that is sort-of what happened. I figured I've been pretty far down and that if even one stupid little lesson I learned could help someone then why not share it? Stay Determined. Go Beyond. Plus Ultra!

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