Random thoughts...

@solid_snake95 I hope you are able to get the help you need to hopefully start the healing process, if nothing else, then learning healthy coping mechanisms to hopefully lessen the burden those memories carry. I recently wrote my older sisters a long letter describing everything I was struggling with silently for years since a teenager (body image issues and self-worth stuff), and while I was nervous, it felt really nice to simply get it out there and know someone else knew what I was going through. I know we haven't talked too much before, only here and there in DM's and barely here in these forums, but if you ever want to talk it out, I'm here to listen...can't say I'd have the right words if you are looking for that, but I do have listening ears if you ever want them to hear your troubles. Just remember to take care of yourself and that healing isn't exactly linear, it's like hiking a very bumpy, very confusing trail that has its high points and low points - it's rest stops or areas where you need to keep pushing to see what makes it worth it. But, it is truly worth the walk – okay, I'm being sappy again, so I'll leave you be XD. I love you! ❤️

@wei_ying @a_wesley_g Thank you guys for the support and yeah it’s definitely PTSD. As for healing? Yeah it has been happening but now and then the dams crack naturally. I could change my whole life and still be haunted by the past of what happened to me. I have to make peace with the fact I’m never getting a closure to it. That’s life. Also doesn’t help if they twist the narrative and make me a villain to anyone they bat their eyelashes to. I didn’t deserve a single bit of what was done nor ever will. I was dumb for sure but no one deserved that shit.

@solid_snake95 Always! And I don't know if you've heard of this before? But there's a Japanese technique for broken pottery called Kintsugi, or 'golden joinery', the potter fills the broken vessel with a mix of lacquer and a gold, silver or platinum powder. It's an artwork that shows the imperfections of the broken dish by allowing you to see the cracks, but also highlights the beauty in the objects history and resilience. It also highlights the importance of your own point of view and what truly is ugly, beautiful or broken. I'm not saying you just need to change your mindset and - boom! There's your closure, but, I am saying you can view your situation like the art of Kintsugi. The cracks may never end, that's very true, but you can fill them in with all the beautiful (yet still painful) lessons and substances life has put into you, because sometimes even in the midst of a storm, the silver lining in the clouds is right there when you look for it. I'm sorry. I got mushy again, but I like bringing up Kintsugi wherever I can lol, it's a beautiful imagery. Just remember ultimately that you are stronger than you'll ever know, even if you can't see it sometimes.

@wei_ying Don’t get me wrong. I don’t wish any ill will upon them. I truly don’t want anyone hurt emotionally or any way. Just wish to express my pain over the years because of that past. I’m not the same guy who blew up when hurt. That was my mistake back then and didn’t realize the repercussions of saying mean things to them. Yeah they did hurt me first but doesn’t mean you just fire back with emotional salvo. The right call would have been to go silent and disappear. Doing so, I made them retaliate with everything they could think of and believe anything spoken about me. I put myself in that situation. So it’s on me. It’s always been on me. Yes I didn’t deserve the treatment but do feel guilt on the words I used before anything happened. Tbh if I could redo it all I would have early on just stepped back and chose friendship with them instead of pushing through thinking I was saving them. I couldn’t even save myself back then. However I can now and not just for myself. For anyone who was bullied or told they weren’t enough. Accidents don’t happen in life. It’s all meant to be I believe. And yes I have heard of that practice with filling the cracks with silver or gold to make it beautiful. To turn pain into beauty and I do it everyday working out. To turn my own body into that art piece to show broken pieces can be put back together stronger than ever.

@solid_snake95 It sounds like you already have one of the most important mindsets for this whole process: which is accountability. I know how it feels to say things you wish you could take back, even doing things you wish you never did. I used to be really mean to my second eldest when we were younger, it wasn't literally all the time...but I think I felt so guilty about whenever I did bully her to the point I remember it being a 24/7 thing. But, it's okay to acknowledge there are things you regret doing to others (even if outsiders to the situation would look at you and say they deserved it), and it's absolutely amazing you are able to acknowledge that...cause not many people can, however, I hope that regret never truly becomes who you are, cause everyone is more than just their guilt and shame. All we can do now is remember how much we hated being the 'vengeance is mine' kind of person and learn to be more intentional in the way we react and respond to others, which it sounds like something you are already doing, so keep up the good work!

@wei_ying Their sibling once said to me that whole “nemesis” cliche as a joke but when it comes to me I don’t want that ever even in a joking matter. They were never my enemy even if there were nights I cried believing I was hated so strongly. Even left my social stories opened so I could try to prove some point that I will rise up to make something of myself to them. That wasn’t for “vengeance” it was to prove to myself I wasn’t worthless in my own head after being told that so much. I think all I wanted was a “I’m sorry for doubting your character Branden, you did it”. Seeking that validation meant a lot to me. After all of it the one person whose validation I needed was my own.

@solid_snake95 I'm glad it sounds like you were able to shift into doing something for yourself. It can be hard enough trying to get better for yourself, but if you're constantly trying to be validated by other, 9 times out of 10, you'll be constantly changing and most likely not in the good ways. Of course, it's absolutely normal for people to want validation from family, friends or even just the people around you, but if you are constantly only doing things just to prove a point for others, I feel like most of the things you do, your passion for them will run out because you're constantly only thinking about what this person thinks of the thing your doing. I really hope you can continue to learn many great things about yourself and also unlearn anything that needs to be left behind with that old you.