the narcissist

I will be leaving this site. I'm a narcissist my energy doesn't deserve to be next to normal people. I hope everyone stays well. Thanks for the safe space and for interacting with me. It meant alot. I can't take being a fraud in this world no more.

I feel estranged to my little boy and little girl. Because when I see them all I feel is sorrow from having to perform under there mothers eye. The time I spend with them never feels real because it's in the presence of there mothers. I'm to busy worrying about how to be normal. When I pushed my daughter on her bike alone and we sat down and played with rocks it was better that way. Away from the judging eyes of her mother. They don't even judge me. But, they make me judge myself. Those eyes remind me that I didn't build a house that's based on love. I don't know how to raise a daughter and son together with mothers I can't open my heart to. I can't be a father hiding from them. I can't feel anything in there mothers presence but shame. Some would say just focus on the kids you have a problem. I do have a problem I'm a narcissist. It's unbearable being around my kids while hiding from there mothers. 2 hours of thinking later I came to the conclusion with the help of jesus that I'm to perfect for my actions. Being around my ex wife and baby mama cracks the facade that I am perfect and I drown in the actions that betrayed my perfection. This was good to write down I never would of figured it out. I know the problem now why I drown infront of my kids and there mothers. The fact that I'm not perfect drowns me but tonight Jesus has broken those chains praise the most high God. He did it for me easily. So easily. I never knew I was in a vicious cycle of claiming perfection to myself. That's why I felt like I had no air around my kids mothers. I get it now I'm not perfect. I realize everywhere I go I've been claiming perfection. Admitting mistakes to myself felt like torture because I couldn't hold any other perception other than I am perfect. That chain was broken tonight. I can finally come to terms with the fact I can make mistakes. I was to busy mourning my perfection passing away to feel anything. That pain and shame I felt might be finished now. What I need to do now is apologize to there mothers and be more active in my kids life. Other than my bad relationship with my little boy and girl and there mothers. My relationship with my gf and her two girls is going good. It's a house built off love I have nothing to hide. I can't wait to have a big family my gf me my son and daughter and her two daughters. I'm gonna live like no narcissist ever lived before. God is good. I can never be perfect that mask broke tonight I wonder what's next.

I'm a narcissist and schizophrenic and this is what I learned fighting long and hard with Jesus. Nobody thinks this narcissism disease can fall. I'm here to tell you it bleeds it can be killed. Just trying to leave some hope out there for narcissists. 1. WE ANNIHILATE OURSELVES. You must understand this. It's because we became our own mirror and that mirror was made out of broken glass that only showed our flaws. A MIRROR THAT ONLY SHOW FLAWS IS A LIE. Think about that long and hard. Most of us have never seen the whole image of ourselves because we to busy being engrossed by our flaws. We punish ourselves into forgetting who we are. And whe become the flaws we hate and end up annihilating our soul. When you think to yourself what is good in you and your mind responds with nothing is good in you remember what you did. That's how you know you are annihilating your soul. I let pain break the mask over the course of years. But, pain can't build the new you. Only softness can do that. The type of softness that allows there to be mercy on yourself. That allows you to rely on the mercy of Jesus. After you felt you learned all you can from pain, suffering, shame, guilt, and punishment you can stop it and start rebuilding with softness. 2. WE ARE OBSESSED WITH PERFECTION. You must understand this. You know that pain, shame, and guilt you feel when performing in the presence of another person that make you remember your actions. That shame, guilt, and pain comes from all the actions you remember that betrayed your perfection. YOUR TO PERFECT FOR THOSE ACTIONS. Think about that long and hard. We drown and can't breath in the presence of those who make us remember the actions that betrayed our perfection because we are mourning the death of our perfection. We become immobilized in grief. That's why you feel stuck and in pain around you know who it is. Because your remembering the actions that betrayed your perfection. Your sad because you just can't believe your perfect self is dying right in front of your eyes. If you stop that obsession with perfection then you won't be grief striken every time you know who it is comes around. Your not perfect we all make mistakes. You may even feel your performance is betraying your perfection. CUT THAT OUT. We fail. Stop the whole I can't fail thing. Instead of going into a situation with the mindset I can't fail or I won't be loved. Go into it with the mindset if I fail that's ok it's not the end of the world. BREATH. Though it will feel like the end of the world if you still holding on to that obsession with perfection you will feel that blow to it and grieve. LET IT GO. Nobody is perfect. Breath. I'm all for suffering until your NPD tendencies break. But, you have to know when to rise from the ashes and have mercy on yourself and let God have mercy on you. Pain is a destroyer not a creator. I say learn all you can from pain then when it's no longer beneficial start to study softness and set your eyes on Jesus. These are two things they say we couldn't realize but here I am living proof that it's possible. You can do anything with Jesus.

To add on to the last post... 3. "WE CAN’T SEE THE GOOD IN OURSELVES. You must understand this. This is still new for me, so I don’t have much to say yet. But here’s what I do know: When you notice something good in yourself—thank God. That’s how you stay grounded. That’s how you stay humble. Don’t be afraid of yourself. You don’t have to doubt the works in you to remain humble. Acknowledge them with thanks to God. That will keep you grounded. Humility isn’t pretending you’re worthless. Humility is returning the glory to God—without denying that He’s done something beautiful in you. Don’t let shame and guilt stop you from acknowledging the works God has done in you. Don’t let them stop your healing. You can affirm the good in you. You don’t have to shrink and say, “I’m nothing.” That’s not humility. That’s despair. The distrust of your own heart—that’s what’s annihilating your soul. If you can’t trust yourself with your heart, trust God with it. Say: “Thank You, God, for the good in me.” Bring those good pieces—the ones you’re unsure about—to Him. I know you don’t want to claim ownership of them. Your image of yourself is too twisted. So is mine. How could a monster claim something good, right? That’s what we tell ourselves. That’s what others have told us. But a mirror that only shows flaws is a lie. We’re fractured because we’ve silenced the other half of our soul—the part that still wants to believe in love. We told it to shut up. We called ourselves monsters. But we need to listen to that side again. Don’t silence it. It’s the part that can still heal. Yes, you are both good and bad. So why do you wear only the bad? Say this: “God, if there’s anything good in me, it’s from You. I won’t worship myself for it. But I also won’t kill it. I’ll give it back to You, because You gave it to me in the first place.” That’s thanksgiving. That’s faith. Say: “Lord, I don’t know how to trust my own heart. I’ve twisted it. Silenced it. Performed with it. But if there’s anything good in me, it’s Yours. Take it. Keep it. Grow it. Don’t let me claim it in pride or reject it in shame. Let me just thank You for it. Make it Yours fully.”

Being apart of my gf family is touching me in ways I never been touched before. I never felt what a happy family feels like. Cause all I caused was broken homes. It feels good to grow in love for family. And, to know I'm finally smart enough thanks to Jesus to not be what they say I am. I want my kids under this happy atmosphere of me and my gf love. I broke the mask of perfection but under it I felt empty or dead. But, that's a lie I been telling myself. Tender feelings just need coaching out they are there.