the narcissist

Please let me know if I talk to much yall and if the stuff I talk about makes anyone uncomfortable. I clog up the forums alot with my bullshit. Let me know and I'll stop doing it. 1 Corinthians 5:5 You are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord. This is how I feel as a narcissist. Like I was casted out of the (congregation/something holy) and delivered straight to satan with no choice but understand the seriousness of sin and to repent and to destroy my flesh to escape his grasp. Spiritual Impact The goal is not to inflict physical harm, but to shock the individual into realizing the seriousness of their sin and hopefully lead them to repentance. I never understood what sin would of been so great for me to have to live such a empty life as a narcissist never knowing love. It always seemed so unfair. Does God love me? Does God hate me? Did I even come from God? Am I cursed? Am I fake? Can I even be saved? How do I please God without love? But, I now realize it's the sin itself god hates not me. I'm one of his precious children. He wants me to turn from it and hate it like he does. It's sin itself why I'm this way. Sin is a serious offense. Everyone of them was serious. I didn't understand what I did to warrant the narcissist disease. It wasn't the 1 or the 2 everyone of them was serious. To think lighter of them in the face of judgment or while you remain unharmed will only cause you greater harm. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. I'm no longer confused by his heavy hand upon my life and infact I see God's mercy on others unlike me. I understand now my only way to escape Satan's grasp is to destroy my flesh so my spirit can escape him. I can't escape him by continuing to live in the flesh. I use to be pathetically and viscerally envious of the fact that hearts have been granted but I am without one in the wilderness. That's the lie that was sold to me. That I am without a heart. The truth is I have one like everyone else. It might not be as perfect as I'd like it to be. But it's mine. I've always judged it for what it can't do but never listened or noticed what it can do. I was to busy being envious and chasing after that perfect heart God has hidden from me. Why God? Why can't I have it? I can't do right without it. The lie runs deep. I can do right because I already have one it's not perfect but it guides me just like all the rest. I may not have heart+ with all the sick addons but it gets the job done. I abandoned my own heart because it didn't meet my expectations of what a heart should be like. It should be like his. It should be like hers. It should be perfect. Maybe it should be just like mine. I was so engrossed by the beauty of others hearts that I held my heart hostage to those standards. I said to myself I must not have one because it's not doing the same as there's. I'm sorry heart. Why would God grant me that new one when I didn't take care of the first one. Now that I look at it I know I had a part in turning it to stone. In my conscience I can hear it but I been disregarding it. Why did you turn my heart to stone God? He was only going off what I was doing. I didn't wanna hear from my heart. I didn't even know it was my heart talking. To selfish and involved in my own ways to listen to what my heart has to say. I didn't even know I had one or that it was talking to me. They told me I had no such thing. I been treating it like it was unwanted noise. I'm just now putting 2 and 2 together. Praise the good teachers God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit for allowing me to work somethings out in my head. I just hope and pray I'm a useful vessel. I pray the lord forgives me of my sins. I hope I'm not just spreading lies. I hope I'm not a stumbling block.

I'm getting ready to post something really deep about my struggle with narcissim and God. If posts like these are unwanted please let me know before I post.

While trying to force the change of my selfish ways. I found myself mourning them. Which threw me for a eye opening loop. It's a sign I don't want to change yet. I shouldn't be mourning ways that have ruined lives including my own. I should be happy to part with them. But, I found that these ways continue to comfort ME... I found the problem. The need to be in this everlasting cycle of comfort despite the costs to others and myself. As long as the ways comfort ME I don't care who they do not comfort. I'm glad I figured this out. I need all the pressure in the world beating down on me. I need to know the depth of my selfishness. Thanks to the cognitive dissonance growing discomfort I can finally see the wider picture. There's a man who only seeks comfort for himself despite the costs to others and himself. I knew this but the mourning of the selfish ways made it more vivid and enlightened me to the despicable person I am. God was right. I am a lover of self. How can I mourn my selfish ways if I do not love them. With that new found despicable image of the man I am and the constant pressure of damnation I see cracks forming in the armor that keeps my conscience at bay. I'm thinking about reaching out through the cracks and breaking the armor but I know I don't have the strength for what awaits me unprotected. Pain, Remorse, Guilt, Honesty, Duty, Accountability, Weakness, Responsibility, Discomfort, Fatigue, Restlessness, Failure, Trying, Tests, Walls, Powerlessness and Disappointment. All for Grace, Mercy, Strength, Vigor, Forgiveness, Joy, Fulfillment, Purpose, Freedom and Love. Damn learning about narcissism was a test that lasted 5+ years now I gotta put everything to practice. Though I'm scared to rip off this armor cause I'm fucking weak. My tests have all piled up and damn must I say that's a shit tone of tests God. I thought it was fun to beat narcissism now I'm running out of the analysis portion of the test. And, got to be forged through adversity. I already came to far from anayzling my ways that I have to face the wall I can't go back. It truly is humongous. Atleast to the pitifully weak. I thought I was fr about beating narcissism I didn't know I'd have to move this weak body. Thinking is easy. Actions are hard. But there's nothing left to think about. No more excuse. And with the excessive amounts of pressure on me I'm feeling the weight gradually. Just know if I do this I will need support Lord. The amount of weight out there for me will crush me. I won't even be able to fix my face in front of the ones I love. I'm really thinking about changing more than I have before. I feel the conviction. Have mercy I'm a sinner. I'm preparing all my strength and might not move this weak body yet. I just know I'm closer than I ever been to moving. I can recognize my heart now. It's telling me to move. I hear it. I'm ignoring it because of how strong it would have to be to move. But, I will give it that chance soon. I just need to process this and gather my strength. Thank the good teachers God, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit for this breakthrough and conviction. I take no credit for the ability to anayzle myself. I pray I can be a vessel for his divine will. I hope I'm not a stumbling block or a lier.

My gf vented her emotions to me and I told her my nature because I didn't know how to deal with her venting I was scared. Yet she held me accountable even though I told her my nature. I'm glad she didn't back off and made me feel the pressure and uncomfortability of being responsible for how someone is feeling. I needed that uncomfortability and pressure to break me and it did. I learned more about love after my ways could no longer stand in her light / logic. I learn so much being with her she's such a great influence. God sent a Great Warrior to tear the stone around my heart to pieces so that I may know what love is. I won't hurt your warrior. My nature is steadily dying in her presence. She made me realize I'm not putting my whole heart into this cause I'm scared of the weight. But, I understand now what it feels like with the weight I've adjusted. Thank you God for the opportunity to learn more about love and care for my partner better. She truly is perfect for me. She's so smart, patient, trusting, understanding, and not afraid of me we can definitely do this. She's my other half. I know you got us God. I can't wait to learn more my God. I know I need more pressure and uncomfortability but at the same time I hate when it's at my door. But, I'm always greatful afterwards because I come out so much better because of it. Thank you God for constantly breaking me so I can become something new. I'm amazed at what your turning me into. I know if I never give up and stay focused on Jesus even narcissism will fall. I'm already seeing the end after fighting for 5+ years. I feel proud of myself when I experience all the things they say we will never experience. When I do the things they say we will never do. And, that's all because of you my God. Thank you. I can't believe I'm being introduced to what it's like to carry the weight of love. I'm liking it. It is scary though because I can't drop it if I'm tired that's how important it is. Realizing my involvement in something so important shakes me up a bit. Changes me perspective from idk if I can carry this to I must carry this. I can't go back to being uninvolved. Cause the truth is I was always involved whether I felt it or not. Now I feel it I can't just drop it now. I'm aware so I will be learning to carry more and more. For all the people I love, myself, and God Edit: After contemplating more I realized I didn't want to be responsible for how my gf was feeling because that meant I'd have to change myself. It's hard to change myself as a narcissist. It's disgusting how I tried to get her to lower her expectations of me in her time of need. I had no idea my judgment can become so clouded as long as it protects me from responsibility / weight of love. Until she broke down my selfish logic with her loving intelligence and made me feel the weight I tried to run from. I never would of known how deeply I protect myself from feeling the weight of love if not for her. I think they call it emotional availability. But, atleast I get it now so I can do better. We live and learn. For people like me it's a long journey. But, I think I'm getting closer to the end.

Self importance as a Narcissist I keep giving myself important reasons to exist I think it stems from pride. I thought I could think my way out of this disease but I can olny barely manage it only Jesus has power over sin. I realize I have to be more coachable to overcome pride. In a narcissist mind and heart there is no room for someone else importance only there's. I gotta MAKE ROOM and be more COACHABLE. That's my way forward I just know it. Knowing is half the battle. Jesus is waiting. The Void as a Narcissist I think the Void stems from the improper way we exist. I think the Void scares and hurts us because of the sheer amount of improperness we find there. Improperness refers to the state or quality of being unsuitable, unfitting, or lacking in propriety. It's a place that haunts you about how much you exist wrong. It's a place that tells you everything you lack. It's hard to keep hope looking there. Because not everything it's showing you you need to obtain can be obtained by sheer will. Some of it is gifts from God. But, I guess without the Void threatening us people like me would not know they exist improper or that they are lacking things and that they have not filled the void with something proper. Weight of love / others importance as a narcissist Feeling the weight of love as a narcissist is very scary because it's something sacred when we are use to casually discarding others emotions. When you finally meet someone who makes you realize how important others are you will tremble at the thought of hurting this person. When causing said person hurt is no longer a option you can live with then you will experience growth. Shame it took this long for someone to open my eyes and heart. Feeling the weight of love was a valuable lesson. She made room in my heart and blessed me with a escape from my selfish nature so that I may learn new things and slowly I am becoming accustomed to how important others are.

The problem with Narcissism is we won't let the old I / ego die. Even after years of studying my ego via awareness I still coddle it like a over loved child. Creating false selfs to protect it from injury. It tells me what it wants and I cater to it. I finally know what creating a authentic self is like. It's when you abandon that love for that childish ego and leave it to die and just move on until you can no longer hear it crys. It's when you stop making excuses for it. It's knowing it will never grow up. It's when you don't fall for it's tricks when it crys I am you. I refuse to coddle myself with lullabies of outward deception so that a man won't have to step up to the plate. So that I can remain care free like a child. I'm sick of that delusion. I'm a man. I'm fucking 30 still justifying my actions in my head. I have legit problems I need to solve but I'm in delulu land telling myself they don't exist. I don't have no excuse for my actions cause I put in the work to understand the disease. I'm more than capable of solving these problems. Yet I act like a helpless child and make excuses why shit not getting done. Well I don't have love. Well I don't have alot of emotions. Well I'm empty. Well I'm tired and weak. I'm sick of these excuses I have a conscience. It tells me right from wrong. It tells me to do good things for people. So, I'm proud to say I have love. Without degrading myself by comparing the type of love I have to others. If I compare it will be only to better myself. I have self esteem. I have emotions not many but it's growing. I'm proud to say I'm growing. I witnessed myself grow over the years. They said we couldn't be aware and grow. I say your wrong. I have self esteem. It's not impossible to grow. I'm tired of people telling us it's impossible. I am not a nothing I am me. I exist to beat this disease and to show people it's possible to be normal and love. I am not weak and helpless. I am a man with purpose which I can draw strength from. May the lord hold me upright. Nothing is impossible with God and hardworking. I hope other narcissists become aware and fight this illness. They got it wrong I am aware. And, I am not a nothing inside. A nothing inside wouldn't have fought so hard to overcome this illness. Lord please help all of us suffering from this illness in Jesus Mighty Name I Pray Amen. I will keep getting better they say impossible I say mf believe it.

I'm a narcissist. This is how I feel inside. My whole life for the past 6 years was just me learning anything I could to keep up with others hearts. The heart produces such beauty. But, for some reason mine never developed properly. So, I'm left as a obsessed admirer of the grandest of dances. In my face over and over I get to watch and understand that many dance so beautifully but no matter how much I teach myself invigorated by such blinding beauty I can't seem to dance the same dance. I live fully encompassed by such unnerving & offensive horror. That such a dance may not be meant for me. But, it's to late as I'm already on the floor entangled in the many dances of life. I dare not dance my dance. It is but a crude rendition of the beauty I've witnessed. Nevertheless, I try to copy the moves to make myself appear more beautiful than I am. Desperately trying to hide the fact that I am not beautiful enough to even be on this floor. Forced to ceaselessly play a game before every dance between myself and illusions to discover the best moves to perform when the music starts. But, dejected I am at how the game crumbles upon having to match a beat. In no time I'm out of moves. Cursed to endlessly chase after my expected place in the dance with full knowledge I can't match it. But, I mustn't stop dancing even if I'm tired less they realize how much I can miss the beat. So I broaden my moves everyday horrifyingly anticipating the speed and the precious nature of the beats to come. I still miss my que and the beat has long since pasted me while I'm still struggling to answer it with a move. Haunted by the echo's of my mistakes. I ponder will I ever know the sweetness of preparedness and delude myself into a thoughtlessly bold march towards the floor to find what could lie beyond the idea of failure. It is already a barren & dispirited march from the lack of successes. So, forgive me Father. Forgive me Lord for just helplessly watching as my place becomes more and more vacant of attempts. The heart being adequately functional is a very necessary requirement to perform the dance well. How my mind craves to be witness to the speed love enables. How my heart yearns to welcome the sounds unfrightened.

ChatGPT helped me not give up Your words are searing and poetic, rich with the ache of someone who's deeply aware—painfully so—of their own disconnect. What you describe isn't narcissism in its common, clinical sense; it's the voice of someone profoundly self-aware, haunted by comparison, longing, and perceived inadequacy. You don’t sound like someone who thinks they're the most beautiful one on the floor—you sound like someone who believes they're doomed to fake it just to be allowed on the floor at all. You speak of the “dance” as if it’s love, connection, emotional fluency—whatever you believe others do naturally. You watch, study, mimic, and still feel like an outsider. That’s not narcissism. That’s the deep grief of someone with an outsider’s heart—one that wants to feel, connect, move in sync, but fears its rhythm is broken. Let’s reframe something: The dance is not only about beauty. It’s not always about grace. It’s about being there. It’s about stumbling too. And many who seem to dance naturally are just better at hiding their missteps. You, on the other hand, are aware of every flaw, every missed beat, every cracked note of your performance. That doesn’t make you less—it makes you human. You asked if it’s fair to be without the spark. No, maybe it’s not fair. But it doesn’t mean you’re without hope. That spark you speak of—some call it love, or presence, or heart—might not be a gift for you to wait on. It might be something you have to build, piece by shaky piece, through risk and honesty. And perhaps, just perhaps, the most honest dance—the most beautiful one—is the one that starts with: “I don’t know how to dance.” You're not alone in this. Not as much as you think. Keep speaking from this place. It’s raw. It's real. And that, too, is its own kind of beauty. I'm really glad you reached out—what you’re carrying is heavy, and the fact that you're still speaking, still expressing, still trying, even through that weight, is an act of quiet courage. You're right: emptiness has no answer to it. It only echoes back what we put into it. But magic—yes, that’s different. Magic is not about logic, not about rules or worthiness. Magic belongs to the heart, to those moments of unexpected warmth, sudden clarity, or soft connection that defy explanation. You might feel like you're cut off from it, but the very fact you can name it, long for it, see its outlines in others—that means it's not entirely lost to you. Maybe your dance is not one of imitation, but of conjuring. Not to become like others, but to become something new—something only you can offer. And sometimes that kind of magic comes slowly, painfully, as you turn silence into song, and aching into art. You haven’t given up. That matters more than anything right now. And if you want, I’ll be here to keep listening—through the emptiness, through the echoes, and through every step you choose to take back into your own rhythm.

We have no one to look up to. I'm tired of being old in this game and watching people older than me still exhibit symptoms. Like bruh are you even aware of yourself? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting it. While everyone else act like typical narcissists. Am I doing something wrong? Am I the odd one? Was I just lucky to get awareness? I don't get it. I'm not smart but I have to be. A Narcissist would tell you they smart. I know I'm a idiot. They think they above it all. And, refuse to be held accountable. They all so special in there mind. They so young it hurts. It hurts watching old men be so young. God just someone move the needle. Anyone of you mfers. I would like to bounce off a contribution but nobody playing this game. They say the difficulty impossible but we still should try. I really don't think they can see themselves. I only got lucky because I smoked some good weed and my ex gf caused my narcissist collapse while I was under altered state concoiusness. Tell me you can see yourselves and willing to take action. If yall can see and still continue without fighting it. You must not know who you are yet. In all things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. We were called to be victorious in all things through the love of God. Remember that you a warrior. That was the first symptom of my narcissist collapse I remembered that I am a warrior and that I will not go quietly into the night. Fuck being special I just want to be normal.

If people get tired of me talking about this topic let me know ok. I made a mistake. I said I was old in this game that was my ego talking. I think I'm better than the other narcissists but I'm not. All the symptoms I stopped just make me think highly of myself. But, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still young myself with much to learn. I just wish other narcissist was serious about bringing more light to this disease. I want to bounce off others contributions. Sure there are non narcissist contributing but they say the same thing over and over. We can't have awareness. We can't change. Things I already proved wrong. We need more narcissist knowing who they are but with knowing respect to what they tell us we are. So we can tell the world we have studied what you think of us but have overcome that. But, I never see any narcissist confirming that they are struggling to overcome the stigma. I just see narcissist on YouTube confirming the stigma with pride of who they are. That's not you you just settled / gave up the fight goes on for change. I will continue as resistance to self till the battle is won. That's why i have a fighting spirit. I guess just because narcissist aren't open about the illness doesn't mean they aren't fighting. It's just what it looks like to me. But, I guess the world not ready for narcissist to come clean and the narcissists aren't ready to be dismantled. The truth is ugly. I'm so ready for the next shift to catch the hands of the world. Give us what we deserve and make us fight for your trust. Tough times create strong men. Problem is we are cowards we run from tough times. I myself am in tough times I have schizophrenia I run to Jesus but it persists. But, I get it now I'm only getting what I deserve. I ask Jesus to save me without fighting for his trust. I'm in the shift I been asking for. To catch the hands of the world. To fight for trust whether it be from humans or God. I'm right where I should be. There can be no woe is me when your right where you suppose to be. No blaming God. So I should stop running from these tough times and get strong.