the narcissist

No longer will I disturb the peace here. Strictly anime and random shit from now on. I don't want to take the chances that I'm effecting anyone peace and listen to my better mind. If I my rants have been undesirable I acknowledge that and apologize.

https://youtu.be/CB3Gv4oZdWo?si=CiVbf-4zniunkqqe This is a extremely sobering song for me a narcissist that has overcome so much with heavens help to the point I feel the transition to light and identify with it. And, make light of the wounds I've given people and still give people because in contrast to where I started and where I'm at I'm a success. I'm a fighter of a impossible illness. 2 matter fact. This song helps me manage my expectations of how people may view me. Someone could be glad that I'm well but ultimately be wanting to drag me down by the halo around my neck because they curious how I am gonna make amends to the people I hurt. The impossible nature of overcoming the illness makes me feel holy for every step I take even baby steps. But, what if those steps I'm proud off is not enough. I know that continuing to keep taking steps will ultimately take me to a place where I finally make amends with the people I hurt so I can identify with my light steps. I think the problem is my steps are enough for me but aren't enough for the people hurt. To me I'm moving in light to them I still create darkness. My cognitive dissonance over my light and darkness is brung to my attention. I have not excelled enough at light not to be a source of darkness. Though I still have light but I also have darkness. Knowing that will keep me humble. So the lesson is no one has to see me or view me as light because I identify with the steps of light I took and how hard they were. They desire amends now. I'm lucky I have people in my life that don't pull my halo down and drag me to the ground. They patient with my changing. And, honestly they could pull it down at anytime. The voices do. After all I'm a sinner that deserves the worse. But, I have people that don't drag me to the ground and Jesus that doesn't drag me to the ground. But, sometimes I take advantage of people kindness and mercy because I'm a sinner that needs Jesus. We are made Holy when we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior and have faith in him and repent of our sins and walk with him. I'm thankful for mercy from people from Jesus from my lover. Edit: I'm reminded of how good Jesus is that he forgives your sins and remembers them no more. And, cleans you up. The voices want me to remember with guilt and shame and condemnation not conviction hope and forgiveness. That's how I know they not of God. Edit: Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

I have alot of disdain for this world it's hard to see the beauty when you don't feel what others feel your disconnected from the beauty and magic I often make jokes to the voices, God, and myself that life is like shit or something always along those lines to cope. But, today I cried when I made my joke everytime I randomly cry without feeling like it I always think it's the holy spirit. I thought God would laugh at my jokes. Why would he when I disrespect creation by calling it other than the beauty it is. Now I cry thinking about how heartless and unthoughtful I been talking to God about his creation even if it was just jokes. God has feelings to. I'm sorry God. All this pain screwed me up. I can't see how deeply loved we are but I know it's true that's why I'm crying. I failed to appreciate my makers work and devalue it with all my jokes. Imma do better Jesus. There's much to value forgive me Lord.

Narcissists suffer from a meaning problem. Normal people have feelings and emotions that permeates there heart and will with STRONG MEANING. On the other hand narcissists are hollow and have to build STRONG MEANING from the ground up it's fickle and it doesn't permeate we have to focus on it to keep it alive until it's finally embedded in us in some way that keeps us molded by it. They say Just choose empathy. Just choose love. Just choose God. Just use the leg that isn't working. I'm being asked to climb a mountain with equipment I don't have. It's a brutal paradox where they tell you to feel something you never felt. That what can save you is what you never had. So you try to permeate meaning in the emptiness until it's embedded enough to where your will for goodness is more than a fickle imitation. IT HURTS!!! and it's unfair but I won't lash out at God. Even though I border on insanity hehehe trying to permeate meaning through this hollowness. I don't understand why I wasn't given a proper feeling heart but still have some type of obsession with goodness. Guess I will keep being torn apart by this paradox all the while keeping my faith. The more it rips and tears me apart the more I discover. The voices call me a bug because they know I will struggle against my fate and programming and beat at the walls until they show some signs of weakness even if it's futile. They call that perseverance, character, and Hope. Suffering produces perseverance and perseverance produces character and character hope. I couldn't give up even if I wanted to. I'm to obsessed with goodness with the lord I won't stop until I'm permeated with strength and meaning and if God wills it feelings. I pray Jesus accepts my fickle meaning, strength, and imitation and grow it into something real. Edit: Anyway I'm hurt but time to get over it like I always do Huuuu. Perseverance stat go weeee lol.

https://youtu.be/Hsc3-BHPfSw?is=i_aulx8CA3J9pRll Had to listen to this song and imagine Jesus singing it to me to calm down and remind myself what kinda love Jesus is. Sorry for always being extra on the forums I'm gonna stop doing that. I should really keep things to myself. So sorry. Thank you all for always allowing me to vent.