Hey, erghh,.I'm gonna say some things that might not seem positive, but bear with me, i'm not saying this to get you down. Writing is a bitch at times, I understand it's hard to do. What I noticed is you mostly talk in third person as in: they, he, she, then they. Try to mix it up a bit to let and let the reader read the minds of the actors. The first paragraph is very compact for the many things that happen in it. You could easily write a couple of pages about it, if you went more detailed so the readers could get a better feeling/attachment for the characters and why the witch is so hurt/angry. The second & third paragraph suffer from this too. Currently this feels more like a summary of a story, then a story of itself. or a shortend bed-time story An idea would be to write about their average life together. add in more dialogue between the actors. FOR EXAMPLE: I have once attempted to write a paragraph solely about a dude standing up. "From the fiery depths of the earth came forth a hand, soaked in red hot magma. It's iron grip being firmly planted onto the melting ground. This is not the end... Forth came second hand, placed beside the first one. I refuse..! Slowly, a mountain crawled up, pulling itself upward. I won't let it end here... Lights sprung from the growing mountain of molten rock & stone. Peering into the evergrowing darkness surrounding it like embers.... seaching... searching...... You won't get away with this..... I won't give up!!~ As more magma flows down, the figure of a man slowly show's itself. Not now, not here,..... not....... forever. I'll chase you, I'll hunt you and when I find you...... The giant arcs his back, opening his arms to the dark skies above I'LL TEAR YOU APART..... His echo bellows through the valley, striking fear into the hearts of ever ears it reaches. Sillence falls upon the valley and the Titan stands up, regaining his composure. The deep sound of a stomp rings through the forest as the giant takes it first step....... and then another......and another...like drums of war, ever marching...... forward." Almost nothing happens in it, but the description about what is happening is very accurate. It also gives a certain emotion to the scene. the reader cannot see the scene you have in your head, write the story as if you were to tell it a blind person. I'm not expert on the matter thou, so do with it what you wish P.S.: Analyse a book you like very much and see how much talking actually happens in each chapter

Welcome haikadee to Mo I hope you enjoy your stay here on this site. Once you make friends here you'll have loads of fun here.

Well both characters are perverts of different means. But Katawa Crash is based on a doujin game about disabled people. Nanaca Crash is mental illness. That said, keep ar Katawa Crash there is a lot of fun to be had. Like getting Barack Obama and Thurman Thomas. Or Unlimited Drill Works

Turn down for what! *crashes through the roof* ......What? Don't blame me this thread was asking for it. Somebody would do that eventually.

Come and join, folks~ There's currently 3 of us in the chat. :3

Sorry if this is the wrong part of the forum for my post. Comic book shops and the manga section at Powell's books are the extent of my knowledge for anything otaku related in Portland(Oregon). Does anyone know of places or events(outside of conventions) in the area? Edit: I should state that I am also looking for PEOPLE in the Portland/Oregon/Northwestern region. I want to know what having otaku friends would be like. Even just internet friends would be nice.

Oh ok I found it http://41.media.tumblr.com/02f486bb7ff938074b5262678bdf26ed/tumblr_n0y0qbAyiQ1sys6exo6_400.png