Confessions

He was talking like he was suicidal. I hope he comes back or at least doesn't try to off himself. He's a damn decent guy

I confess I'm burned out Feel like I got hit my a truck and my body is only feeling the impact now. Eyes sting too much. All light I see just hurts my head. Too tired to move, too awake to sleep though. Been getting constant reoccurring flashbacks of past mistakes. My mind has been clouded with disturbing thoughts of death and loved ones dying. Every time I go to work I get interrupted and then lose all energy to keep working. Everything seems very dim, just purely dull. I feel no joy from anything. I cannot take care of myself when I need to. I hate and despise my life. I have been bound for far too long. I have done this for so long that I have forgotten anything and everything that I ever wanted or desired in life. For 7 long years I have put up with enough of this. I cannot take it anymore. I can no longer lie to myself, everything is not okay, I am not okay. I have let things get so bad that now there is no help for me in sight. No matter how hard I fight against the circumstances in my life I always feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I cannot even understand what I desire for myself. I wonder what it is I long for. Companionship? Freedom? Rest? No matter how much I contemplate it, I end up drawing a blank in my mind. I tried talking to others to fill a never ending void. I tried seeing different sights. I tried doing whatever people suggested to me, therapy, meds, you name it. None of it works for me. I feel like I am some deformed freak that always has to the opposite of what people scream at me is normal. I never intend to be contrary, I cannot help that I am who I am and I cannot help if the things that work for everyone else do not work for me. In a way it's like I am not trusted or I come across as not wanting help, when I really do. So many thoughts going through my mind that I cannot even keep track of what I have typed. I have never been so unsure of things in my life. All of this I confess here. As for my wonderful friends here and to anyone else here, I want to assure all of you who read this, I am not suicidal, nor am I seeking attention. As much grief my life gives me, I still want to be alive and have a better future. I also just needed to get it out of my system, since I am tired of keeping these thoughts to myself all the time. Time and time again I hold back letting out my true thoughts on things, I feel like all I do is hold myself back and I can not take it anymore. I shall not stop myself this time from saying my true thoughts and feelings. Besides, maybe someone else will read this and find comfort that they are not alone in their suffering? You may ask is this a cry for help? I do not know. Not sure how I would feel now if any of you tried to reach out to me. I just felt like I had to say this all. Sorry for getting really somber here. I'm sure this would make more sense in the Serious topic, but to me all of this is so random, so I felt it is more appropriate to post here.

i confess id try human meat if i was offered and it was legal and ethically sourced https://media.giphy.com/media/s0bDSaIKg152U/giphy.gif

I was thinking about similar things.My own conclusion: 向死而生/being-towards-death...The Chinese translation is too fascinating...I think it is Heidegger's philosophy..

We all get into funks every now and then, that's just part of life. But Tsun, what you're describing is depression to a T. You're looking for fulfillment in life, no? Look inside yourself, ask those uncomfortable questions and maybe just break out of your mold for a minute. Go do something you wanted to do but haven't. Get out of your comfort zone, find meaning and just take time to breathe. You need a break from life to focus on yourself. You're definitely seeking, but the question is "What?". I'm well aware that I'm preaching to the choir, but maybe something that's said here will click for you. Really, it boils down to having good support, whether online or off( I'd suggest the latter more so. Online tends to take the humanity out of the equation.). I know you said you've had professional help, but really, it sounds like you may need to continue trying until you find what/who works for you.