Confessions

I confess that I had a crush on Lillymon when digimon was first being shown on tv. It was a strange time when you're a kid liking a plant like thing that can fight monsters. The crush afterwards and still going strong is Kasumi from Dead or Alive. Still at a young age, I liked her at first because she sorta looked like a girl from my class that I was really into. But then it was because I just like Kasumi. She may also be the reason to why I really like red heads.

im a boring person i grew up in boring oregon

I confess that I like this thread for venting. So apologies if this gets rather long. For the past few weeks, I've been feeling empty. Like something went missing. I don't think it's relationship related even though it could be. Am I missing a person that I can talk to each day about basic regular stuff to the most perverted of things, someone I can fully be myself around? Maybe it's just from the lack of physical interaction in a relationship? Or maybe it's just motivation to do anything? Honestly, it's probably a mix of all of those. I'm a person that does everything I can to understand the feelings of another, but yet I barely understand my own because I bury them so much. Sometimes I just don't know what I want and it gets confusing. And it pains me a little to want something when I know that I can't do it. Which makes getting a relationship in itself hard since I talk myself out of getting one from being honest. And I will not lie to get one, I don't ever want to lie to that person. Or anyone in general. I don't want it all to be ruined when I have to tell the person that's special to me that I lied about the important thing that's needed for the relationship. I'm a contradicting person at times. What I say and do ends up being completely different at times. I don't know why, it just depends on what's going on or how I feel towards someone. But aside from my feelings in a relationship, there is one feeling that I know that's been eating away at me. I feel sorta pointless in my life at the moment. I always try to be helpful to others in the best way I can. Always putting them before myself, unless I truly can't at the time. I've been trying to help my family and my friends. But recently I feel that I'm not really being helpful. Everything's still the same. I fix, I advise, I teach, I pay, and yet nothing's changed. The problem still exists or comes back later. And not being helpful is one of the things that can really make me feel bad, and getting lazier and feeling more unmotivated by the day makes it worse. I want to be motivated, but a relationship is the only thing that would motivate me at the moment. And I don't deserve a relationship for such a selfish reason. I'm still not sure if I can love someone anyway. Personally, I feel that I can live well without someone else in my life, but I think I need someone in my life to truly move forward. Right now I feel stuck from carrying all the weight in my life along with the weight of others. Sometimes I just want to stop and give up on everything, to just not care anymore. I know other people here have a lot worse than me and are much stronger, but I'm not them. If I was then I wouldn't be saying this. I tend to make things harder on myself, not really knowing why. I tend to make things unnecessarily complicated for myself and others. Which in turn just eventually makes me feel worse. Honestly, I want to give up. But I refuse to. I refuse because I have a simple life goal. A goal to have a comfortable life with my family and the family I'll make. Not to be rich, not to be famous, just a comfortable and relaxing life. Though it might sound generic, it's what I want. I want to reach that goal because I know I'll be of great help to those close to me at that point. Overall I think I might have to bury this down feeling of mine to move on. Though it might make the weight I carry heavier, it's better to move now than not at all. I want motivation, but I don't try to find it because of another's feelings. Maybe I should look for someone willing to help me instead of me willing to help them like I normally do. Though I'll still help them regardless anyway. I guess that's it. Sorry for all this nonsense, but I feel better now.

I confess that i havnt always been a nice person in my life. But I am learning from my mistakes and trying to be better. Also I dont like naruto. may otaku god have mercy on my soul.