Ego Death

I've experienced it twice in my life. The first time was a positive experience. Real transcendental shit. It was a magical experience. The second? Well, I spent 3 years watching my identical twin brother die a slow and painful death. And due to covid, and a level 3 snow emergency, we got stuck with the body over night. When the coroners finally arrived the next morning, everyone in the room witnessed his face change to resemble that goofy grin he always used to have. A look he hadn't been able to make for a long time, due to all the erosion of cerebral pathways decaying due to all the radiation and chemo. Then his body was carried out the door. And finally the tears started to fall. Not long after that, Geoff started haunting us, which kinda got me back into the paranormal, but I digress. We'll get back to that. I thought I was familiar with the grieving process. I thought I could speed run it. I told myself I would not numb myself to the anguish. Just bare the brunt of it. Boy that was a mistake. Eventually, I just went numb. It turns out, I had some form of ptsd from the expierience, and it triggered "Survival mode". The world lost its saturation, all passion and ambition died, my need to be recognized and liked by others went up in smokes. The only two things I had left of me were empathy Which got way sharper, I could just connect to people who were in rock bottom with me, and it felt like I was actually able to help people out. But I also had a much shorter patience for dealing with people and the little games they play. I remember being aware that my behavior was offputting to people, so I salvaged the pieces of my old persona, fully aware that the cracks were still there. The other trait that remained was curiosity. Just kinda this drive for knowledge. I retained self confidence. But I lost all sense of self worth. I never really went suicidal, but I have just kinda low key given up on living. Like if I find out I have the same cancer my brother does, I don't believe I eve have the will to fight fate anymore. So, I decided to get back into the occult exorcism business. Since ghosts, demons, and preternatural entities never scared me, and it strangely made me feel normal again, talking to other people who normalize the paranoraml like I do. I guess the idea was "Hey, might as well make myself useful for however long I have left."

My ego death / collapse happened in 2019. I remembered thinking what have I done before self as I knew exploded in my mind. It was a real transformative experience. Having all my attachments to the things I thought defined me be severed which forced me to re assess what am I and what do I stand for with fresh eyes. That experience gave me my first sum of awareness as a narcissist. It was the first time I could see myself. I remember being terribly afraid and shaken to my core from not knowing what's happening to me. But, afterwards I awoke to a self I knew nothing about. I was shocked at the self I was seeing and the fact I didn't have the ability to see it before. It felt as if I had just been born. It occurred to me in that moment that I am awareness and that I had been living on autopilot. But, now my awareness had presence in my life. I don't like to think what would of happened to me without that experience. I'm extremely lucky.

I think having the curtains pulled back on ourselves and everything around us is an opportunity to gain acceptance and understanding as well. The darker truths we shy away from? People have a habit of making them much worse than they actually are.