Mommy’s Random Thoughts

(3:30 PM Wed.) Tried not to wake my twin up with the sound of my intense gagging and laughter this morning. I have been fighting off something these past few weeks hard–and I mean HARD. I've been sneezing and coughing practically 24/7 to clear what seems like a never-ending supply of mucus, as well as being in and out of sleep to try and recuperate while also fighting off a fever constantly (I keep having heat flashes). But today, at 12 something in the afternoon, I woke up to cough. I thought it was going to be an easy one to get out...but nooooo, that stubborn glob of phlegm wanted to stay lodged in my chest, but in the midst of trying to silently hack my head off, it finally came up into my throat...and stayed there. I forgot to mention how I have an incredibly sensitive gag reflex apparently as when I cough more than 2-3 times I start gagging, so my non-stop coughs paired with the stuck phlegm was a hilarious nightmare lol. I'm coughing, gagging, crying from gagging but also laughter as I try to stay silent enough, but I was able to spit it out into a tissue in the end-so yay! And I didn't wake anyone up on top of it.

(11:56 AM Fri.) My sisters and I just chilled in the living room today. We went up to say hello to our parents and eat some food, but our mom has been extremely weak lately, so we sat with our grandma to keep an eye on her (she has Dementia), there were moments we just had to laugh at our grandma's confused rambling cause sometimes that's all you can do...plus the fact she says some pretty funny stuff by accident sometimes XD. But, I cuddled close to our eldest sister and I don't even remember half of the stuff we laughed at, we just like being together, however, I DO remember squeezing her muscles because it's my comfort XD. I also attacked her with plenty of kisses too. There was a tornado watch where we live, which is surprising cause we never get tornadoes (obviously there wasn't one), but it was relaxing to hear the storm rolling in and the rain start to fall ever so slowly before picking up with the wind. We ended up playing a few games together. An Avengers matching game (like connect four but it's five instead) that I won the 2 or 3 times we played, and then a game called Little Piggy where you have to collect the pigs on your card according to the numbers on your card, the more you build on top of your colored themed cards, the longer you keep the pig to yourself...unless you have a goat card, those eat all your cards and you 1: lose your pig and put it back in the pigpen or 2: lose your pig to your opponent who also has the same colored piggy card that you do. She demolished me in that game lol, I only won like...3 times out of the billion we played XD. We ended up having a fake argument cause she kept getting goat cards and eating all my innocent pigs up, so it goes like this: Big sister: *smiles happily as she lies down her goat card on top of my blue pig cards, and laughs (mockingly) at the sight of my crestfallen face* Me: *mouth agape, and eyes wide and full of indignation* "Oh, okay! That's how you're gonna be?" Big sister: *still laughing while her eyes crinkle at the corners from how much she's smiling. Giving a proud head nod.* "Yup!" Me: *chuckles a touch maniacally and playfully glares at her while pointing at her and playingmy next turn* "Fine then...you better watch out, cause I've got your number." Big sister: *raises her brow playfully and still smiles as she looks through her cards* "Oh you do? And what number is that?" Me: *watches her carefully pick her card with a smile on my face* "Five!" Big sister: *laughs cause of the random number* "Okay...why–" *looks up and pauses at seeing me with a balled up fist held towards her face.* Me: *shakes my fist* "A five fingered discount is what waits for you if you don't stop winning." Both of us: *busting out laughing and continuing our game, that she won anyways*

(7:24 AM Thu.) I feel so bad when I'm on my period. It's not really the cramping that gets to me as I get really tired during my cycle and sleep it off, but one of the symptoms I get during this time is feeling very easily irritable at hearing certain people's voices *insert crying face here*. There are certain things I'm used to in every day life: my dad calling my name repeatedly just because he likes saying it, my three brothers doing the same just because they want my attention like our dad, my baby brother clinging onto me and being obnoxious (fond), etc. But during my cycle these things tick me off so badly XD, but I just control my temper cause there's actually no reason for me to be mad and I'd hate to make them feel bad for no reason. The only voice I can constantly handle talking to me nonstop is my twin's. It actually makes me relaxed and sleepy to hear her ramble about art or a video she watched. ❤️

(10:13 PM Thu.) Spent most of the afternoon/evening cleaning our small, grey car in the backyard that we're planning to sell. It was so dirty that it made me mad cause I knew that I wouldn't be able to get every dirty spot out (cause I can't afford proper detailing tools). However, it made me even more motivated to maintain our new van's cleanliness when we get to buy it outright, it'll be the cleanest family van anyone has EVER seen! I'm also thankful for the experience cause I watch a guy on YouTube called Detail Geek who cleans/details cars, and I always wanted to try it myself ^^. It definitely isn't the same as his work cause I only have a dinky house vacuum (not meant for cars) and a cheap outdoor hose to clean up our car, but it was a nice experience and oddly relaxing as I cleaned. I realized while cleaning that 1: our family (meaning our brothers) needs to do better at maintaining a clean space (our car, cause they eat like monsters lol), 2: cleaning is super relaxing when I get over myself and 3: I need to work out more XD, cause holding that vacuum made my arms sore...I was struggling so hard at first that I was starting to sing old Church Hymns (AKA: struggle songs) lol.

(1:07 AM Sun.) Just finished eating my dinner, which consisted of a Reese's Peanut Butter Klondike Bar and a delicious lemon-poppyseed cookie. Twas delicious!

(11:07 PM Tue.) Our eldest brother got hit by a car tonight. He was going out for a ride as it's a nice night, and I guess he went to cross a road but was trying to wait as there was a car wanting to pass through, but it stopped for him and allowed him to go first. Or that's what he thought. The idiot waited for him to start moving before they drove forward and hit him, he said that the tire felt like it ran over his leg and his hip, left wrist and head hurts as he landed on those three things. He couldn't see the license plate correctly as it was too dark and they drove away too quickly, but I'm glad that he's okay. ❤️

(7:32 PM Thu.) Our mom has been admitted to the hospital for a couple days. Her potassium levels aren't rising, and our mom hates the fact that she can't come home right away. Our eldest sister is staying with her the whole time she'll be there, and we'd go to her, but someone needs to stay at home with our grandma. That and there's no room for all of us to fit in the car we have currently. I know she'll be fine, but I know it's been really hard for our mom recently, so I pray that she'll recover fast.

(9:24 PM Sat.) Our mom is finally back at our Shelter Shack (with us, where she belongs UwU). We all ran upstairs to greet her when she came back (I told the rest of the family that she returned) and we attacked her with lots of hugs and kisses. Her potassium (among other things) was getting so low that the doctors said if it kept up, she would have started to die, cause when your potassium gets too low, your organs stop functioning properly. Blessedly, they caught her at just the right time and were able to get her levels stable enough to return her back to us. The transporter of the hospital was pampering our mom and calling her my lady whenever he helped her with something, and she got the best room in the hospital as well as really good doctors and nurses. Our mom said to tell everyone thank you for praying for her and keeping her in your thoughts. That being said, I'm so tired as I have been waking up early to watch our grandma. I'm glad for the experience watching someone who has dementia, cause ever since I was small, I've always wanted to care for the elderly in some way. And I personally think our grandma has been very sweet and pleasant to watch over ^^. I'm just not used to waking up early, and I have a slight headache because of it, but it was a nice day despite everything. ❤️

(7:13 PM Sun.) You know when you can get so anxious/weary, tired and sad to the point you literally feel sick/queasy? I'm feeling that right now. I wouldn't describe myself as someone who is shy or anything IRL, but, I feel I often am more quiet in person than I speak like online. Not because I'm shy or nervous necessarily, but I like to hear people speak and talk while I simply am happy to hear them out. I guess...the point I'm getting at is that I feel like I don't say much, especially if it pertains to myself, cause receiving compliments makes me feel great (like it does anyone) but I enjoy the smiles I receive more than words of praise, and I prefer someone talking about their joy more than them pointing me out as the reason for it (if that makes any sense?) I feel like I don't complain much...not out loud anyway, even when I absolutely could have. And for those of you who have seen me post in certain threads before, you know how I've stated having issues loving myself how I do literally everyone else, and so that's one of the reasons I try not to talk about me TOO much, y'know? That and the fact I don't wanna sound full of myself when that's a lie lol. But, I don't complain much even when I should or can, and I don't really step out to do things for myself because there IS that healthy sort of self-love missing towards myself, but I do feel like whenever I do step out to share my thoughts or feelings/concerns and joy with people who tell me I can...I am called a troublemaker or I'm talking out of malice, pride, etc. Or the thing I'm taking joy in doing is wrong/evil, that I don't know anything because I'm younger than the people I share these things with. Sometimes, I feel I actually self-reflect too much. To the point I blame and convince myself of things I didn't actually do, but I'm so confused right now and I'm tired of crying all day. If I am doing something wrong, I absolutely will apologize to these people I've managed to wrong, but my heart feels so heavy and my stomach feels sick right now. All I want is other's to be happy.