Mommy’s Random Thoughts

(1:58 PM Thu.) I was reading tags to someone's post online somewhere. Tell me why I read, "Multiple Eras" as multiple farts? I think I need glasses for more than just nearsightedness XD.

(9:08 PM Tue.) That one shot I'm writing about a loved one being diagnosed with dementia is now at a Novelette stage. It's at 20k+ words now, more specifically; 25,093 words! I'm still writing it in hopes I will finish it tonight XD, cause I've been working on this story since...August I believe? This story needs to get done TODAY or sometime this month, especially since I announced to my readers that I'm writing it...I feel horrible for making them wait so long XD, but I suck at schedules. In fact, idk why I decided to tell them them? It could've been a surprise for them XD.

(6:54 AM Wed.) I come bearing victorious news! That one shot I was making of a dementia ridden loved one has finally-after two and a half/three months-been finished! The ending word count is 27,591 words that I did end up keeping as a one shot (as stated), due to me always wanting to have a story that was that long and not a multi chapter lol. I just posted it online now and am happy to know it's out the way XD. Despite my complaints about my crappy schedule towards writing it, it was very calming to write, even though my heart hurt when doing so as I just felt sad for my own grandma--but I'm happy I wrote it! I hope my readers enjoy the work I've put into it? ❤️

@verucassault Thank you, Ruca-Senpai! It was fun to write even though it took so long XD. I've made some people cry apparently with the story, one of the comments stated they felt the main characters emotions towards it like it was their own. They are so nice to me XD. But I'm glad they like it.

(9:28 PM Thu.) I had a random thought/revelation when having a conversation with my older sisters about something. At some point my eldest sister brought up how out of the three of us, I'm the most considered a 'girly-girl', and how when I was younger I naturally gravitated towards makeup, pretty dresses and even lotions/perfumes. We started laughing cause I hated whenever someone ruined my clothes or even smeared the chapstick I was wearing, all because I liked the way those things I liked made me feel even prettier. I guess I just realized somewhere along the way I...not lost interest in those things per se, but that at some point I think I grew insecure about myself and didn't partake in the things that made me feel pretty (not that I NEED them to be pretty, but you understand). I ended up speaking very lowly of myself and my physical appearance, always shying away from those pretty things because I claimed I wasn't "pretty enough for them." I couldn't find the thread for it, but I know I posted in a thread about things you want to work on about yourself (or something along those lines) that I wish to love myself more. I think in some ways, I still have that mindset about myself, and not in a normal 'I think I could change this thing about myself' way, but to purposely be mean to me. Now that I've pondered on such thoughts, I hope to truly change that aspect of my speech and inner dialogue towards myself...cause...I deserve the love I try and share with everyone I come across to be extended towards me too. I'd hate to be a hypocrite, especially as I always tell people to think positively and be more soft on themselves when I didn't and don't do the same. You all are beautiful and I love you so much. :') ❤️

Regarding not feeling normal, I went through phases of wanting to wear dresses and not. I think in my youth I didn't know what my style was. The type of things I wanted to wear didnt really suit my body type. But with experience, started to pick up on shapes and silhouettes that are more flattering. I found a style of dresses that I actually feel cute in. I don't wear them often, but when I do, I go all out. Doing little things for yourself encourages positive feelings so be happy and lean into them. People notice it when you take care of yourself, or don't. They will respond more positively to you in kind.

@verucassault Yeah, I know my style still to this day. I still love makeup, heels, dresses and skirts, etc. But I am horrible at taking care of myself, sometimes to the point where I feel disgusting because that's how bad it gets. I think I realized that growing up in poverty played a huge part in that too I think? Not saying it did 100%. But, I feel like in some way it did...that maybe I translated the 'never having enough' lifestyle to 'never being enough', if that makes sense? Another role is puberty I think XD. There reached a point where I started growing hair in places I didn't want (even though I know it's normal), and I gained weight too. I felt like (and still feel like) I'm not thin enough for certain outfits, which I know is a stupid thought, but I think that sometimes. I have thought about losing weight, just because of me and my family's situation/health. I haven't been able to be active outside/in general in years (14 to be exact)...so I know not running/playing like I used to probably helped me gain weight. But, some reason I'm nervous to step out and start exercising lol. I've thought about going to my eldest sister as she works out and wouldn't mind helping me, but I can never muster up the courage to ask her to help me start exercising properly. Sorry this got so long, Ruca-Senpai, it's just nice to get things out in the air.

Yeah, I understand those struggles. I grew up in poverty as well and traded poverty for debt to go to college to try to raise myself up out of that. It's still a hard life and I think regularly what my life would have been like if I had just not gone to college. I can't say how it would have turned out. As for going outside or being active, as an older person I can tell you. It doesn't get easier the older you get. TYPICAL! Right? Unfortunately it's true. Don't stop moving. Don't ever stop moving. The more you move, the more you'll be able to move the older you get. So start light. Take walks. Do yoga (videos on YouTube). If you have a bike, ride it.

@verucassault Sorry to hear you had to go through it too, Ruca-Senpai, it can be very hard. Though I wouldn't trade the way I grew up for anything...it did help me learn patience and perseverance, plus I have a different perspective and outlook because of it. That and the fact I can't change the past anyway XD. Anywho, I definitely want to ride bikes again! It's been so long since I have since our neighbors always stole my family's stuff, we haven't had one in years XD. I can't wait to swim again too, especially with my family, they make doing stuff fun.