Mental health disorders

I have muscular dysmorphia, somewhat related to OCD. Basically no matter how large I bulk up my muscles I won't be satisfied with the way I look. I will look in a mirror and say, "Well that looks like shit," and it is off to the basement to work out for hours on end. Even when I was at my biggest I was dissatisfied. I was comparable to Malibu from American Gladiators, even then it was not enough. Could have given me Arnold Schwarzenegger's body and I would want the body of an Adeptus Astartes. Give me the body of an Adeptus Astartes and I would want the body of a Deviantart abomination. It led me to anabolic steroids, a cocktail of trenbolone, DECA, HGH and an estrogen regulator. When the money ran out for those things I bloated from 245lbs of raw muscle to 300lbs of fat. My hormones were out of whack and I ended up depressed and panic attacks that still get to me to this day. 4 years later I have undone most of the damage. I have better control over it now. I realize that it is in my head and nothing more. Granted this doesn't stop me from a daily extreme training session, but at least I can ignore what is in the mirror to a degree.

@hell_hound7 I was about to bring that up about myself with shopping. Though I admit it was a learned habit of my mother's. Whenever she was stressed she would buy something. Years later I found myself doing it and finally had to call a self intervention. I love anime and manga but at some point I could have invested over $3,000 into anything else and been better for it. At least with work I have the ability to request money to be withheld from my check into retirement. Now when I want to blow money I just throw into 401k investments. Still it is one of those addictions that goes untreated because of how harmless it appears on the surface till you actually look at the bills piling up alongside the junk we never get around to using.

@gabriel_true now see i never let hills pile up im usually pretty good with that stuff. I never had a serious hardship where i was like "oh crap i cant pay for this" i try to at least budget my money to keep my addiction at bay. As for retirement about 10% of my paycheck goes into it anyway i tend to just pay bills first then see whats left back and go nuts. But i really could be using that money for anything better

I have ADHD, ADD, OCD and I’m bipolar with severe depression and anxiety. I have attempted suicide over 60+ times and failed through my 25 years of life on this earth. I am Ex law enforcement officer who has suffered immense amount of stress and mental scarring. For example I have seen a man rip his eyes out with his fingers. I will not go in further detail but I’ve also seen a man rip his special place off and try to give it to an officer. Mental health is indeed a serious issue among law Enforcement and I lost a coworker to suicide because of it. I have resigned from the force as well for my own health