Vent

@stazmae Wow, that was a really powerful read. I can tell you truly cared a lot about them, whether they know it or not. I hope your message reaches them. For what it’s worth (though it probably won’t be much because you don’t know me lol), I believe that getting that off of your chest was brave, I’m sure that your venting will bring you closer to closure and happiness (^^). Best of luck, people should feel so lucky to have someone care as much about them as you did the person your message was made to ( ^ω^ )b.

Some random crap I want to vent. As you can see, I like to write and I have a lot to rant lol: I realized lately that I am just too goddamn hard on myself on everything. It's something I absolutely hate about myself but it is also something I like to keep (and tone down to more healthy standards/levels) since it definitely keeps me hungry for the next goal and it helps me constantly look for ways to be better. Lately though, I have become so hard on myself that whenever I want to celebrate some minor accomplishment or just treat myself, I would always say to myself "I am not worthy of it yet because I do not fully have my shit together." It is getting to the point where I would be like "I cannot chill and play video games or watch movies/anime/shows, hang out with family/friends, or enjoy myself in any way until I step things up," and "nobody wants to be with someone like me who does not fully have his shit together," and stuff like that. The worst one I think to myself all the goddamn time is "I do A,B, and C and I make X amount of money but everyone around me is making so much more, they are doing so much more (for themselves, for their friends and families, for each other, etc), so why am I not doing that? Do I deserve to be like that yet? No not yet." I realize how absurd this stupid illogical endless loop to nowhere is, even while typing it now, but it's still somehow holding onto me with a death grip, keeping me from getting to my goals. On top of that: I am just sick of still not really having a true direction in life. Back in school (all throughout college and even before then), I had no idea what I wanted to do but I would still say to others and myself "I want to do _____ in the future" only because it would make all people around me shut up about it. Hell, the only reason why I even committed to finishing my college degree (in a major that I was only somewhat interested in but never really saw myself in that field) was because it was the fastest path to getting some kind of 4-year degree. I don't regret doing that since it opened some decent jobs for me (a big improvement from my previous jobs but still not good enough for what I want. See what I mean about being too hard on myself?), but now a few years after getting the degree and job I am itching to do something else but I have no idea what, thus this rant. The most frustrating thing to me with all this is that only a handful of the people I know actually gave me useful advice and feedback (or just listened all the way through), while many others would just avoid the issue in one way or another. And what I think is worse is that most of the time I do find some sort of path I am interested in, I just shoot myself down by telling myself that in the long term it is something I kind of do not want to do or it's something not within my reach. I already know that I have the ability to make what I want come true, but the problem is that I just do not know what the hell I want. In other words, when I see the people around me grinding it out and hustling and becoming successful, I don't get jealous of like how much more money they are making or how big their circle of friends and communities and stuff are. Instead what I do envy is how the hell they figured out and decided that this is what they wanted to do for their careers. It boggles my mind on how they push themselves hard and hold themselves in high standards without shackling themselves to it. Basically these two things are kind of turning into a death ball that is messing me up, to the point where I don't even feel like I can enjoy anything or show myself to my friends and family, let alone start a new relationship and stuff until I figure out wtf I want to do and actually do it. Hopefully this all makes sense. Honestly venting it out got me a bit pumped to get this shit done.

I feel like I'm the only one in my family who can argue without name-calling. Even if I make them upset over minor things (like insulting a reality show they watch) I instantly get called a bitch. Normally I'm not even upset until I get called names, then I get furious. Why am I the only one who doesn't think that kind of behavior and language is okay??? (゜-゜)

Name calling is an easy way to dismiss someone without engaging further. That being said you can name call someone if they're acting in bad faith. Messed up of them to call you that for commenting on a show though.

When the brain stops pumping ideas, their anus gets connected to their mouths instead, then they can spew all kinds of shit relentlessly. Name calling, if without purpose nor direction, it's just a cry for a lack of a counter argument