Random thoughts...

I've never been so close to a heart before. It's kinda scary. I didn't know how close we were getting. I was just trying to be good to her. Normally I'm far away from hearts so I don't have to watch them bleed. But, this time I'm to involved I would have to watch it bleed if I were to make her sad. For some reason I'm terrified of being in control of whether she's happy or bleeds. I can't ignore this one because it's right in my face I'm vividly and massively aware of the ramifications of hurting her. But, it's just me growing more aware of how fragile or strong love can be. I understand how fragile a heart can be so I choose to be strong. I'm not worried about hurting her I'm terrified of the thought that I can from being so close. I'm in full on panic responsibility mode. Something that's new for us narcs. I'm to close if she breaks I break. There is no way out this time because I think it means to much to me not to see her sad. I'm happy I can't run and I finally get to feel the weight of love because I took the time to be aware of how much love she is. It's terrifying but I know I got this just because hurting her is a choice I can't live with. Being with her was the peak of all my training I got hands on experience. I couldn't think of anyone more loving and understanding than her. First person to know what I am and acknowledge me. She basically drowned me in love for my final training arc and now I know you give it back the same way. I feel regretful I drowned the ones who loved me in sorrow. But, I'm fighting for you all whether you know it or not always have been it's pitiful I couldn't just crush the disease it literally takes everything. Well anyway you don't hurt angels you just count yourself lucky to bask in there glow. She's my counter she amplifies how ugly I would be if I hurt her. To a point that's frightening. Let's go!!! I needed this training Arc finally put all my work to practice. Now I just gotta extend the range of those I care about.

Watched a schizophrenia video that's heart breaking. Starting to think I wanna join a schizophrenia community since I'm one of the lucky ones that's adjusted. I don't usually want friends to keep up with because of what I am. But, I think it would heal me and another if I become friends with someone who has it worse than me. I wanna try and be there anchor to reality. Especially the ones with God delusions. They know not what they say and think. I know I was a loner when I contracted schizophrenia. So I wonder if there alone and nobody can put up with there crazy. I know alot about crazy. They don't scare me. I just hate seeing mfs fail shit like bruh why couldn't you make it to. Maybe I can help idk. I know alot about darkness enough not to judge them for what they harboring if I'm being attentive and aware. I just wonder can I be a effective care giver as a schizophrenic myself.

Not counting my chickens just yet, but DEFINITELY crossing my fingers on this potential job that'd be a good $25,000 more a year.

@joemama711 I'm in a jacket, my twin's comfy (over the jacket) and two blankets every night/day, and I still can't get warm XD. Our temporary living abode has really poor insulation and my body is horrible with keeping warmth (I have crap circulation). I hope you are staying warm where you are! Don't let your fingers turn blue like mine do .⁠·⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠(⁠>⁠▂⁠<⁠)⁠´⁠¯⁠`⁠·⁠.

@wei_ying I hope you have heat in your house at least I am sorry that you have to deal with shitty insulation :/. I am definitely trying to with a undershirt, 2 long sleeve shirts, merina wool sweater and long johns, jacket and bacalaca/ whatever covers the whole face cept eyes and beanie. I work inside a heated place so I'm lucky for that currently but our heater blew out Saturday and we've had to rely on space heaters, it might not get fixed week due to snow storm.

@joemama711 We do have working heat, but our heating sucks too and doesn't reach certain rooms (it's either too hot or too cold in some places), and sadly the room I'm in doesn't have heat lol. It doesn't help the windows have small cracks so the wind from outside also comes in through them as well as the walls (due to said poor insulation). Luckily enough I've gotten used to being cold years ago and so I don't complain about it anymore. My fingers are always in some state of cold (either blue or so cold they feel stiff)...so I've gotten used to it in some way XD. I hope your heater is able to be fixed soon enough, we don't need you getting sick again and having Popsicle fingers.