Aura

I wrote this five years ago. And I still haven't gotten better. But I thought I would share anyway. Please enjoy. "You are the pain in my throat. When you are near me I choke Everything around me is Screaming Stop don't do it You are the word in my heart Every time I try to start Everything round me is screaming Stop or lose it." Lying down, the bed feels so soft to the skin, but it doesn't comfort me at all. Maybe the blankets and the bed don't realize I am here, that I am the person that makes the indent in the mattress. I look to my side and I see pictures of my friends. Friends? The word would echo in my mind for hours until it no longer would mean anything when uttered. What friends? I had none… The cold sweat sliding down the skin that nobody acknowledged. Would they notice if I were gone? Would they be saddened if they knew? Would they care that it was them that drove me to this highest extent? I shot up from the bed, and would hold my head in pain, the throbbing of my skull would sting so much, it would knock me out, dazed for hours. "Notice me…" The words escaped throughout my lips, my heart having powerful palpitations. "NOTICE ME, DARN IT!" I screamed but of course, no one heard. I was home… Alone… Like always… Even Kumajiro… that fool. Even he doesn't know me and he sits there in the back of my room, mocking me with "Who are you?" Who? Who? I am CANADA! Stop it! Stop or I'll stop it myself! "I try to run but I don't I try to hide on my own I really do try to die But I'm scared To ruin your life and mine Hit two birds in one straight line I really do try to die somewhere" I ran to my drawer, stumbling in the darkness. I searched it frantically, there, I found it, a necktie; I tied it to the ceiling fan that would sit there motionless. I slipped my head through the noose and stepped from the clothes hamper that I perched myself on top. The necktie grasped my neck and would not let go. Like a lover trying to hold on to the one they love most, the one whom is going off to war. The necktie did the job and I would hang… I shook my head and realized my hand still searched my drawer. Looking at the necktie again, the fear was stricken on my face; the pain of my imagination was circling around and around. Getting me so dizzy I had to vomit in the trash can that sat next to my bed. The tears from my eyes accompanied it as they rolled off my cheek. "You have your hands tipped with blades When you hold me I'm afraid, of being cut But then I guess I'd be free If you weren't human I'd tense cause then all this would make sense I'd know what everything was telling me I try to win but I lose There's no real end I can choose To be let free with suicide" Mr. Kumajiro looked to me... I looked reluctantly back. His stare was cold and uncaring. My eyes only saw red, I screamed to him. "WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?" Then he said it, with that stupid look... "Who…are…you?" My eyes began to shake violently and I picked up kumajiro, throwing him across the room. I didn't answer him, I didn't want to. I couldn't… My breathing was hard, and very intense. The migraine I had was intensifying and I went to the bathroom, to grab the painkillers. The bottle was freezing; it stared at me and I at it. Opening the cap, I downed all the capsules in one false swoop. Swallowing the 20 or more pills, feeling them slide down my throat without water to help it. *bang* went my heart, my worries, my fears… I awoke an hour later in my bed, and I realized there were only two pain killers left. My mind continued to mess with me. To torture me… Why… Why wouldn't it just let me go? It was true I am scared, but being forgotten is a lot worst. "So now I'm just gonna do What I can try to get through It's now the start of a lifelong ride You are the cramp in my side You jab at me like a knife Everything round me screaming Stop don't do it" I was suddenly in the meeting of the countries, everyone is there, I am too, they do roll call, but my name was skipped, I stood and spoke. "I am here, Canada is here" No one budge or even looked up to me. I sat back down, wrought with the pain that I didn't say anything more, that I didn't make someone notice that I was there. Thousands of times I tried, thousands of times I was never ever noticed. The pain of being forgotten, doesn't anyone know this pain? Doesn't anyone know how I feel? Back in my room, I held a razor from the bathroom. The metal laughed at the searing welt on my heart, and spoke to me "I can take all the pain away, use me, and freight no more about life. Be free, be free, be free!!". The sharp razor point met my wrist, the blood rushing still in my skin, the hand reluctant to do the job. "My minds made up with a choice For once I'm using my voice Everything round me is praising Please keep with it I try to win but I lose There's no real end I can choose To be let free with suicide" My eyes closed, I felt the deed done, the crimson liquid dripped from my wrist to the floor. Splash it went, shattering through the barrier of fantasy. The pain and fear were all gone. Everything got fuzzy, everything was leaving. My eyes opened to see the angry and sad memories escape from the wound I caused, and down I fell to the floor. My eyes will shut forever. No one would hear my voice again. No one would see the one they never noticed. Although I had let myself free, a smile was still not to be found on my face. Instead it was nothing, just what you'd expect from… death… "Canada?" A voice echoed from the darkness. "Canada..." I opened my eyes and saw England over me. I could hear the engine of a car, no… of an ambulance. The walls white, but something fuzzy and discolored could be seen blocking the white of the walls, It was America and France, there was China even Russia. All of them with the look of worry plastered on their face. "Canada!" I looked to England the one calling my name. He looks to me, and gives a gentle smile. "Thank god… We got you in time…" A small smile couldn't help but cross my weakened pale face. "We are so sorry Canada..."America said with a frown "We are sorry for doing this, to make you feel like you were always forgotten." I said with a small smile "Don't worry, and…" tears fell from my eyes and I laid my head back, my eyes closed. "Thank you..." The Song I am quoting is by Hania Lee's "Suicide"