lovelylunadoll

Update: I tried to break up with him today, but it ended up turning into "How should we fix this" kind of thing. He asked me for any suggestions that might improve our "relationship" and I told him he needed to communicate with me a lot better, but he went off about how that's just how he is and that he never instigates conversation. People need to bring it to him which of course made me want to even dump him more, but before I could he said he would try to do better. We haven't spoken since 10 a.m.

Usually I never rush into relationships because I strongly believe if you can maintain a strong connection between another person for a few months without getting tired of trying - there is a high chance the relationship would work out. I'm all about communication to a certain comfort. See, if I don't know you very well, I will not speak up what's upsetting me and it's not because I don't want to upset you or anything. I'm just not at a comfortable level with you to talk to you about it. I've known this guy since I was 16. I met him at his gig after we met online. I didn't own a car or even know how to drive, so my parents took me.. meaning I had a time limit. Well, I saw his show and was really impressed. He even took me on a ride to go somewhere (I can't remember). He did want to hang out with him after the show was over, but again like I said... I had a time limit, so I ended up going home. We grew up, lived our own lives, we talked then and there, but nothing too lengthy. There were sometimes were he would say really romantic/sexual stuff to me (but in a way that it made it seem like it wasn't really about the sex. More about him craving for a connection with someone mentally and emotionally), but I would brush it off and never take it seriously. Psh, as if I ever had a chance with this guy anyways. I really did like him. DID. A little before June, he would randomly start talking to me, again after a very long year of not hearing from him, so as usual I didn't really pay that much mind to him. Then one night on my way to a small kickback, he messaged me asking me if he could ask me a question. I said sure and he proceeded to ask me if he had any chance of being my boyfriend. At first, I was a little confused because months ago I had saw he was in relationship and he seemed really happy with her. I'm not sure what happened between them, but I'm not going to lie. I have changed A LOT these four years. I can be a cocky bastard, sometimes, but never am serious about it, so I said, "When specifically?" he replied, "June 3rd." and honest to God, I never took this conversation seriously. It basically just followed up about us talking and arranging the dates and such of our upcoming "relationship." Then I cut the bullcrap and told him that he didn't even know me. That I really wasn't the girl he had met those four years ago anymore, but that didn't change him mind. He was intrigued and interested by the woman I have become and he didn't want to lose his chance. This is when he said he was being serious now after I had gone along with everything... I felt like a complete dick, so I didn't want to back out and make him feel bad. I'm a very neurotic person and I'm realistic about everything. My friends are always telling me I should open up more and to not over think anything. To go with it. blah blah. But still in my mind I was like, "There is no way he's serious." "He wouldn't make it actually official" "I'll be fine. It's just a flirty joke." BUT BOY WAS I WRONG. June 3rd came and we were official. Words cannot explain how awkward and weird it was meeting my boyfriend for the first time in person after four years. I actually don't even want to get into it, but I will point out some important factors. I met most of all of his friends. (Not as his girlfriend, though. 'Cause he never said, "This is Jozi. My girlfriend") They just kind of said hello to me and I conversed with them. I met his mom and while she hugged me she said, "It's finally nice to meet you." So that creep me out a little. I got along better with his brother. He said he liked kissing me. The sex was not good. EVERYTHING WAS AWKWARD. I'm really not exaggerating, I mean we did get along. Had some good snuggles and were very affectionate to each other, but overall it just didn't feel right. He seemed really sketchy. Anyways, he dropped me off the next morning (he decided he wanted to pick me up the previous day, so I didn't use my car at all to go see him) and he hugged and kissed me. Told me to text him and that he'd call later that day. I forgot to text him, but in my defense I've never been a good texter and he didn't call me either. The next day I was running zero on sleep, so I had to keep myself from falling asleep at school. I texted him saying, "Good Morning." and we talked till noon then he stopped talking to me all day. He called me twice at 1 am to say goodnight. And honestly I feel like this guy is just fucking with my mind. He messaged me today saying it was really hot today, but I was busy with rubrics at school and forgot to text him back, but I texted him around 6ish saying, "Ayee" and he hasn't replied whatsoever. He's been on Facebook many, many times since it shows. So I have a feeling that he isn't being honest with what he wants and that perhaps he's talking to another girl. I know this was very long, but I don't know if I'm overreacting or if I'm being realistic about my conclusions. My friends told me to be a little more open and daring and I don't even know if I'm doing a good job at it. Also, keep in mind I don't date very often, so I usually don't know what's good or bad. I have really bad anxiety, so my mind will make me think about it over and over again until both my conscious and subconscious mind can agree on it and it hasn't so I've been feeling like shit. I may not know you, but I want a honest to God advice. I really want to break up with him, but there's this part of me that keeps saying "Give it a chance." If you have any questions to help you with your advice, feel free to ask.