Rennik Sadorn

November came. With it, the winter chill and the unfavourable weather that entails. Opportunities to step out on impromptu meditative walks to purge my mind of these rampant, principle yearnings (to have someone to talk to of the opposite sex in person, without any barriers between you - as in, you can hug eachother tightly and it would feel good, you'd cuddle up to eachother and want to stay like that, and spend time doing things you wish you did when you both were younger). Sadly most (as in, 99% of) men (who start the convo first) online and off may not have figured that their sex craving is actually just that. There was a time I managed to meet a curvy Tinder match late yestermonth and we cuddled. She laid atop me. Was amazing experience... Until she remembered her ex and lapsed. Gave her a means of communication and benefit-of-doubt. Was blocked on means of communication not long after. That has me hoping for a push for a 'comfort person' trend, where you form a sort of familiarity with someone, and you both come to eachother in times of need or if you want to socialise but not want the expectations you've set on friends. Like, a manifestation of that 'third place' that is meme'd about. To cut it down to the small detail, my bottomline is a curvy woman to cuddle and be squished by for a bit of fun and warm wholesomeness who lives locally. I am yet to find this comfort person. They seem extensively evasive, or I am at my max level for the Introvert class. Anyway, I rebooted this because there is no harm in it and... Uh. Ah. What happened? May: went to Malta, saw what I call 'the curviest loveliest of statues' and interesting ruins - basically saw the whole island in a week. May-June: started volunteering. Now: still single.

Horny jail seems to be at maximum capacity and on the verge of an XK-class world lewding scenario. Meanwhile, me, continuing to exi- Wait I'm 25 and it's suddenly March.

Has anyone else ever experienced a strange sense of 'sexual-physical depression' due to being mentally conditioned to expect some form of refusal whenever even thinking about the chances of creating a relationship (let alone actually trying to go anywhere, online or not, and trying to get the right attention)? It goes roughly like this: -You see things that normally arouse you. -You feel the byproduct of arousal, then sadness. -You think of 'working it off', so-to-speak, but don't actually do so as it doesn't feel 'whole'. -The byproduct of arousal fades, but the sense of depression that isn't 'proper' but shares sensations with it persists until you think out of it. And with how the online dating scene is, with the pandemic, with everything... It's like there's no perceivable route around this sort of obstacle. It requires experience that cannot be obtained without actually having been in some sort of relationship which cannot be started because nobody wants to try anymore. Compared to those we look up to who came before, for the most part things have been moving at half-speed at best. This, to my speculation and expectation, puts the remote idea of the typical teenage romance with the stereotype of women trying to chat me up into my late 30's if I'm lucky to still be functionally sane. And that's my optimistic take, which itself is corrupted hideously by this current Yggdrasil of thought. All in all, I'm alright. Do wish I could just press a noncorporeal 'pause' button and leave all of this, depressiveness of it included, in an abyss somewhere where I won't have to look back at it again. Have considered, briefly, a few times, the idea of surgically removing the elements that drive me into this corner/rabbit-hole - every time, decided against as it would impede my humanity.

I have begun to rekindle the habit of walks. While slowly [sipping] manga. Still not feeling the supposed satisfaction of the walk itself. Might be hormones and bodily impulses. 2022 outlook: see 2020, 2021.

Was digitally attacked by what seems to be an employed, living 'bot', pretending to be a real human trying to get me to another scam-site. They've stopped being openly 'let's go fuck gets' 'make acc on dis site and get my details!' and have begun to pretend that said sites are a preventative measure - while I agree with the concept, the execution is as bad as Halo Infinite's state of progression/slowness. It makes my brain seethe in disappointment. Has the species I live as a member of truly lost it all to greed? At the rate things are going, I have 99% more chances of a Skynet-sama acting as my onee-chan rather than meeting a member of the opposite sex who has legitimate romantic interest in me beyond my looks.

Sacrificed 2 days in reading the SCP Foundation wiki for wholesome entries. Meanwhile, outdoors is displaying 'ok' weather, but the desire to walk has vanished on it's own walk and has not returned as of writing. Mild frustrate at online dating follows. Mad rambling. Calm(?). It's November. Panik.