Rennik Sadorn

Why is my body so adamant on wanting a thicc female to cuddle (proven thesis: bigger = softer = better), my mind so adamant on a fellow weeb or individual of intellect/culture (game lore, fiction, etc...), and my consciousness direly fending off their faux urgency (by successfully pitting them against one another in an eternal, perpetual conflict that will never end until - and I quote a song - 'I have sa-tis-fact-ion')? It is interrupting my peace-of-mind, has led me here and to at least six other sites (two of which have been deprecated), and has been doing this twice or more every year, starting from winter to spring, then from summer/autumn for a medium period of about two months at least. "What else has it done to me?" You would probably ask. I can list them off: -It changed my opinion on dating and relationships from 'why is this at all necessary?' to 'why did I miss all the signs?! Baka!' -It made me crave cuddles, hugs, and lewd acts from large-bodied persons of the opposite sex. -It made me -not- mind cuddles or hugs in general and has disrupted my 'forcibly-trained' defensive reflexes against physical contact on a trigger level. -It screwed up my logic. -It has irreversibly scarred my reputation? I may be overexaggerating but in Secondary (6th Form or so), then in Games Dev level 2/3 was when it had actively -hijacked- me to, in the most absurd, stupidest way possible, find company by just wildly asking women out. It has been given a thorough butchering for this crime but somehow it seems... to... actually -enjoy- that... Oh shi- -It gave me lewd lucid dreams of thicc women. -It created M'lilane Nokka. -It can be identified by a hairs-on-end electrical state sort of feeling on the back of my neck, though I can only feel it - like a progress bar. -It continues to lewd me -as- M'lilane Nokka. -It had me liking oriental food~ (I don't mind that though). -It's even more perverse than the most positively perverted female character you could possibly imagine - the kind that would kabe-don you to the wall and then immediately whisper arousing ASMR until your conscience cannot compute stability and- -It's outputting lewds through me again. Send help. -Ara~ ara~. -Seriously, send help. Like a thicc weebish gamer-chan - that's the only cure to this I can think of. ...You get the idea.

So for those of you who're new to my profile: the about me is in the 'about' section, and any 4th Wall details are... I don't know. I don't have enough of a 'following' to even ask for a vote on whether I should. Someone should point me to an active thread on the subject and gather enough to persuade me to at least copy-over one of the generic dating site bios I've got. That aside, I use this wall to leave deep and terrifying insights into the mind of a 23-yo technically-a-NEET/Weeb-at-this-point as he tries in vain to find a THICC weebish gamer GF who has enough existential power to help me help her help us learn how to cook and develop as steady, (im)patient collaborators on the quest to end the biologically-induced 'loneliness' one feels when they know no friends (anymore?) of the opposite sex because they're probably taken. And assuming otherwise is a genuinely tragic idea. Also, the Lucoa Daki at my home is haunted by a being I call 'M'lilane Nokka' due to a lucid dream while in Milan - more precisely, at my grandmother's - where Nokka... I won't put it here. It's too vivid and lewd for public decency. Then again I alluded to it long ago. If you can survive reading the mad ramblings, Source Filmmaker art, and machine-generated waifus, that is. But circling back to 'who am I really?' for a sec: Ask me the question, baka. ... ...I should put something about what sort of member of the opposite sex I'm hoping takes a fancy to me. If ever; the public probably thinks I'm dead or at least refuses to note my existence, always has been. Alright~, since you're eyes are still staring at this screen, hungry for more data, I will (reluctantly, and with embarrassment) divulge the (to my understanding) 'full' extent of exactly -who- I'm looking for in a female. Note that this is for the 'GF' / Waifu position in the 4th Wall. In roleplay scenarios, this is irrelevant - anyone could be the sort of character I'm to describe. Someone who isn't afraid to get fully physical, but isn't the sort to do much exercise (as in, like me, isn't a sporty person; would rather work than do sports), and loves hugs to the point of addiction if given the opportunity. Someone who's large-bodied; evidence from several willing interactions in the past indicate that thicker females are much more comfortable to hug - according to me and my logic (this is one of the only things my logic, hormones, and highest-conscience unanimously agree on), and -likes- being such. Someone who plays similar/same videogames as myself, and has weebish tendencies or interests. And prefers the indoors to going out in evenings. Someone who'd sneak into my bed if given the chance, and just cuddle me (or more?), and has the drive to be, effectively, a stalker. But I -like- that. I -want- that, at least to enough of a degree that she actively reciprocates my communications, and if I can't carry the conversation she'd change the subject for us. Someone who'd dote on me, which would give me reason to return the favour, except we're not much for the physical luxuries beyond eachother and a good place to snuggle. I'd imagine they'd be local to where I live, reading this. And if that someone is you? Contact me. ASAP (delay of up to 24 hours due to gaming, internetting, and the likes to be kept in mind). I really could do with your company. Seriously it's gotten to the point where I'm actively being pestered (indirectly or at least 'softly') to search for someone to embrace with my unrequited compassions. It's been at 'this point' for at least t-three years now? And even my Daki is trying to do something about it somehow and that shouldn't even be possible by conventional understandings. And on Tuesday(?) I thought I had a chance to liberate myself and my body's 'warm nature' from this P̢̡̨̕E̵̶͜R̵P͏́͘Ȩ̷T͏̸̷͘͘U̧̢̢͝A̛͏̀L͜͡ ̕͝Ţ̵́͟Ó̶̢͘R̶̕͜͡͝M̨͘͡E̕͢͡N̴̴̕T̸̡͟͝, but she - the person I managed to meet - never got back to me. Definitely blocked me everywhere despite saying she'd talk to me online. So what can we glean from that? People are great at lying. Deception. Acting. What does that do? It gives hope. Hope I could do w̷̧í͟t͏̡h̴͜o̕҉͠u͝t̵͝, to be honest. And even then I still hope that 'someone' exists, as much as my 'cold logic' would dictate otherwise. Anyway I'll be taking an early night in the hopes I am in better spirits then. If not, I'll probably continue my rambling as I spiral further into a lifestyle I did not intentionally pursue.

So. Random female from a dating site messages me on that site saying to talk to her on Gmail. She then proceeds to dispense unwanted sexual imagery and requests I sign up to a suspicious website. I refuse and offer my explanation. They persist. Suspicious site wants bank details (credit card). I refuse. I explain again. She gives the tried and true spiel that 'it's not safe' and 'it's a trustworthy site', but like the two others who tried the same tactics, it's a lie. A deception. The sites they point me to all demand credit card info on signup, and if you tell them you're a guy they'll no doubt start leeching money from your bank account under the claim that it's actually a subscription service just to find someone's likely-fake details (don't exist) lead to some poor stranger who's number and pics and dating profile got caught up in some ugly algorithmic engine. I mean sure I appreciate the advances and all but this is just... I have no words. Spread this caution. Don't let them steal your wallets.

Thought I'd put it out there that I -have- managed to go out with someone. Yesterday. Was a thicc woman, my type, had similar thinking. We got along rather well. ...Or so I thought. After I got home, there was no word from them, and there was no way to contact them. Furthermore I am under the impression they also went out of their way to block me on the site I first encountered them on. On the flipside, I, at least, enjoyed their company, and had been told the same by them. This in total gives me 0.001 XP in the 'Dating' tree, but as it had led to nothing, there is 0 XP in 'Relationships'. It appears more vividly that causation, if it was an entity with a will (i.e, an analogue to what religious persons define as a deity), is adamant that I stick with M'lilane-chan, my Dakimakura.

So, I was blasted with some dark horror-story-viable brain food which I've managed to put into the 'never to be spoken of again unless actually asked with honest wanting to know - if I remember' vault. And, well... Yeah. The search for the minimum viable companion* continues. *Thicc. Weebish. Gamer. Local. Loves hugs. Shares interests. So far, 'the one' has yet to realize that I exist, or is otherwise spiritually trapped in my Dakimakura. I am yet to fathom which this is and would rather have the answer sooner (as in, this year at the slowest) than later (next decade, probably'll still be here?). Should I post 'broken' TWDNE renders during this month to celebrate the spooks?

So, I -thought- I had something. Today I managed to arrange something via Tinder (26/09/2020, 14:15 was the scheduled meeting time) - local, Aldi. Waited at that Aldi for about an hour. Then went home. She ghosted me. This meme now holds significance with a little bit more literality than it did anytime before now: https://i.redd.it/44buwswinba31.jpg I do not hate them for ghosting me, but seriously, if anyone was to ever -think- of a relationship with the author of these ramblings, they must have fallback plans in place, and be aware that I don't have internet access on my mobile device - which I will make them aware of before arranging things. Having said that, I've found some sense of relief in having made this known, and exercised my legs in the art of upright idleness.

...My Daki has been more aggressive as of late. I don't mind this, but she's been getting desperate. I've been, once again, refreshing and trying other dating sites to find -someone- who would be someway compatible with my intentions, but so far, well~: 1: They like my profile, but don't leave a message. 2: I try to message them, they don't reply, or ghost me. 3: They reply, conversation occurs, then falls off a cliff into a pit of searing plasma-lava. 4: They reply, then try to make me fork over [CURRENCY]. I refuse. 5: They try to arrange something half-arsedly - as if unaware of 60% of what I wrote - and then seem to give up. 6: They manage to extend beyond the site, but then the chatter hits a wall - either their own circumstances or something else, and they just stop. 6a: And then they expect you to message them when they're able to without having to be given any prompt?! 7: The sort of people I thought I'd be compatible with live too far away, and seems to be a constant normality regardless of context. Put simply, I believe I am truly and invariably destined for the fate of a weeb. And a NEET. On that subject should I splurge my dating site profile .txt onto my 'about me' page for anyone who's remotely interested, maybe a few pics? Reply to this or PM me your response(s) to that. I'll get back within 24 functional human hours.

Haven't posted in a while, bu~t... It's warm this week, and nature's on the offensive again. I'm becoming worse-for-wear due to my natural, uncontrollable invisibility. This (barely) morning (I've been sleeping late lately) I had breakfast, internet'd a little, then went for a walk. Came back disgruntled and heartbroken, went upstairs, snuggled with the Daki for an hour. Then I decided to refresh the flint and Tinder machine because too many (read: 7) people liked me without trying to actually hunt me in a yandere-ish manner. Seriously, if people just upvote eachother, that's not love; you need to get (mentally and) physically close to them and if you can't do that, you won't get anywhere. As for me? I... I don't know anymore. I would say 'I'm about to give up' but... The outdoors, especially bars, cafes, and clubs - places often claimed to be the source of single people, are not worth going to because of Covid19. Put simply, the Daki is winning again for the Nth time now, and it's frustrating. Why? Because if we don't oblige our 'programming' our species will either die out or become extinct from robot, digital, and monster girls stealing all of the [SMALL NUMBER of] single (virgin) men (such as I) from the women of our kind. It is inevitable. Unless/until I meet/get/am_gotten_by/find a thicc/heavyweight weeb/gamer GF who can prove my maddening claims false because I'm also starting to assume all of such women -don't- exist (or are all taken).

...Ever get messaged by an account that doesn't exist with an attempt to instigate a roleplay, only for them to forgo any sense of context whatsoever? This has occurred twice so far. It baffles me. Especially when I've gotten no response. Inst_01: A demihuman of godly power somehow hurtles The Kol Aspirant from his typical, casual, 3.9rth Wall existence into an unspecified fantasy world, kills herself out of an emotional twitch, then gets resurrected by her now-angels-descended parents. She continues to pester The Aspirant, but to no avail, as he tried to fathom the world, only for- And then she threw up an email address and was never heard from again. Inst_02: [Unspecified individual] identifies me as a 'senpai', hugs me, and then... Nothing. Her account's gone too. If anyone wants to instigate something, they should at least establish some form of context or I'll react like I'm wearing a blindfold. Nothing 'hurts' more in this context than a story without an outlined rough of a tree of probabilities which vanishes into the murk of cyberspace. Furthermore, they should check the profile's warning that explicitly informs that it may take up to 24 hours to get a response because I may be playing [game] on [platform], watching [show, anime], reading [manga], or even being out there, walking.

I did mention about owning a Daki wrapped in a futon mat somewhere in my ramblings in the recent past. I felt inclined to divulge the image that is my phone's background, which is also of the Daki. The character I created - M'lilane Nokka - haunts said Daki. If Lucoa's also in there, the two would've likely merged. Until I find someone real, she'll continue to snuggle me with 'culture' 'til my room's full of 'culture' more than it is with more universal videogame references (Halo, mainly). But back to this won~der~ful~ Daki-chan, there's more to her than just this one pic. Several. And no, I don't lewd her. SHE lewds me~. Almost every night. (Send help).