Stens Thoughts

yeah people tell me to just think positively but right now i am on a rant again xD i am not really feeling sad just weird, curious? i do not know?

this thread will probably be continued tomorrow again xD because then i will feel horrible when waking up.... and i will feel like just not doing anything :D im glad im not suicidal :D even when i start thinking about suicide i will stop myself because the people i know that have killed themselves have made others feel terrible... well atleast for a short time. i still think about one of those guys. he was great, showed me battlefield and he was really hyped about it :D but he had some issues in his head and now well.... ah i should probably not talk about that stuff here, sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry... if this was physical not digital then the page would be completely black by now ahahahahahaaaa, am i mad or something? it sure feels like it when i am writing all of this....

right now i feel kinda sad... i talked about being rejected XD which happens alot for me.... idk what i am doing wrong. is it because i am slightly overweight (which will be fixed with my now shitty eating habits) or is it because i have a boring personality? is it because i barely know what to talk about? is it because i am constantly depressed (although they do not know that...) is it because i am asking them too fast? is it because i am asking them too late? is it because i am boring in general? why... why... why... everyone seems to either like someone else or just not like me in that way. or at all in fact, they barely talk to me afterwards, is that because i confessed and got a no? i mean i would rather stay friends with them than not... I hope that my friends do not see this thread and start pitying me.. pity makes me feel even worse >:(

i mean i have been cycling, using dumbbells and doing some exercise.. that is to hopefully make me feel more happy. although gaming is what makes me feel the most happy, only with friends because playing alone is only fun in a game with a good story. although i quit the witcher cuz it seemed kinda boring :I what game should i play next? hmmmm maybe dark souls 3 again? and yes this thread is going to slowly become more and more sad and insane but please do not worry! i am mostly fine, i will only write here whenever i feel down. which might be alot or alittle, that depends :)

Actually. Is this insane? am i going mad? honestly. writing here trying to feel better, i mean it is helping abit but that will not fix the problems. what i need to fix i need to fix by myself, i just have to think differently and think positively. although that is hard when i am inevitably feeling down, i am not usually a optimist as you can see.... i am kinda the opposite

haha i guess listening to depressing music aint helping :D and i should probably get some real help and not just think i can handle it XD because seeing as i started this not so long ago and it is already basically 4 pages.. but i am too shy to ask a psychiatrist and i do not want my parents to know because i do not want them to be sad because their son is sad :3

i am sorry for making this thread... it is pathetic.... yeah people might say "aah man you will get better!" but it has not been better and it has been what, 5 months now? i should probably go get some help from the school curator xD but i am too shy to talk about my problems with her. when i talked about it with my friend it made me feel pathetic :c even though that friend said he had also been depressed for a time... i do not want to get help from my parents either because they think "oh you dont have anything to be depressed about!" or something, thats the response they gave me when i told them i felt stressed out.... oh yeah there is an exam coming up and i can still barely understand my teacher.... he does not speak swedish perfectly and well i am just better off learning from the book but with his GREAT GUIDANCE we just skip a few pages then do some math then skip some pages and do some math, i dont think thats how the book is supposed to work? i mean they put those pages there for you to train at those equations... but NO we have to do the things he instructed even though i hate for my book to be filled with skipped parts because i want them to be orderly. >:( ah i am going on and on about stuff again, sorry :(

Hello fellow depressive person! While venting is definitely a good thing, have you considered a journal and or therapist? I won't tell you to look at the bright side(That rarely works if you're truly depressed.) or any other "The sun will come out tomorrow!" "Feel good" quotes, but I will say, stay connected with people and if you need to talk,I too have an ear.

i do have some people that i talk on on a discord server and one irl friend and his is basically my journal lmao a therapist? naaah i would be way too shy and i would hate that, i would feel awkward. meds? despise them >:C even though i have never tried anti depressants, all kinds of medicine is terrible >:c although they do their job... i mean i am atleast trying to fix it by 1. going outside (cycling) and 2. being with friends (that has really helped already :D but i basically only feel happy when around /talking w them)