Letters to no one

I hate myself. It's been hard to deal with these past few years and thinking about it almost makes me want to cry. I knew things where getting bad but kept letting others assure me everything was alright. I didn't spend more time with you, or talk to you, or take time off work to be with you. And it hurts, when I think about the last time I saw you and the sadness in your eyes when I didn't stay. Or you telling me to let it go when my sister didn't huge you in your hospital bed. How sad I get sometimes knowing that my mom moved on not to long after you where gone. That I never got you to play music again. That you saw potential in me that no one else did and I've continued to waste it. How despite being a flawed person you always had just the right thing to say and do when I was clueless as to what action I should take. What I wouldn't give to hear you call me stupid again, or laugh at me for being stupid. I make jokes to hide my pain and regret, but in the end I'm just a boy who misses his father. I miss you dad, I would give away everything I have to see you one more time. Or to at least change the entire year before you died.

im sorry for how i acted i never was able to make peace with you in life, even after all the kind things you did for me you made my otherwise shitty childhood fun but, your a kind person i hope you forgive me itll always be one of my biggest regrets in life rest in peace https://media.giphy.com/media/gx545Of7QyVBm/source.gif