Vent

It was a lie. Regardless of what ever version of the autofill you saw. Trust me on this. Edit: Unless it's the one about her being pretty...because well yeah.

Think it's time I say a bit of something. I'm really getting sick of my ways. And well, I don't really know what happened. I'm sure many know me for my 'energy' and whatnot, but that doesn't seem to be me anymore. I'm too nervous to get quite literally anything done in the real world. Heck, nowadays I'm too nervous to even send a message to a soul on this site. I fear that he or she or they may think me desperate if I confessed my love, that they'd think me an attention seeker for talking of my troubles, or a clown, for my jokes. This fear that anything and everything I do would be perceived negatively... I stay away from things like getting a job, finding love, making friends. Just once I'd like a bit of courage... Where oh where has it gone? All my color?

@forgetmenot You're not the only one. Couple years ago, I used to be more ambitious, but this world is infected with evil, an evil that wants to break you down and rip you apart. The only thing we can do is fight back against that evil. It's not easy, but you just gotta find something that gives you that strength to keep pushing forward and trying harder. Heck, just recently, I found out I was taken advantaged of at my last job, which I thought it was my fault, but knowing that took a huge weight off of me. As long as you're doing the best you can, and not wishing anyone any ill intent, then there's nothing to worry about. Honestly, screw what other people think of you, keep those that care about you close, and any that don't care about you, you can kick them to the curve. Don't let the perception of others ruin your life, bro!

Which are more evil: conformists that are endlessly people-pleasing that never admit they can be wrong and bad and don't mind being too shallow, boring, superficial, ableist and condescending, or nonconformists/diversity community embracing their authentic gifts of their maker that are considered crazy, misfits, rebels, troublemakers, idolatry, demonic, abnormal, round pegs in square holes that may or may not like humbleness?

Shit was deep and I think a lot of people around here probably resonate. I would wager a bet that when you look back at the time you had that energy and color you speak of, it was when you were filled with child wonderment. Pablo Picasso said it well, "Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up.". Went through a divorce a couple years ago and everything I was building all crumbled, but I came to realize, that the joy had left long before. As an adult, it is not the evil of the world that taints you, the world is just full of events, we just learn to set expectations about how things "should" be. As a child, everything is new, everything is wonderous and something worth exploring, and in age, you learn to generalize things and suck the joy out of life because you believe you've already lived it. Why talk to them, if I already know they will reject me, why go do that thing, if I already know I will be bored, why try, if I might fail. But as a kid, you had no such questions, just unbridled curiosity and willingness / stubbornness to pay the consequences. The good news is that you can get it back, you can learn to see like a child again, but it requires letting go of all the assumptions. Desire is the root of suffering, to quote one of Buddha's followers. The Buddha taught that the way to extinguish desire, which causes suffering, is to liberate oneself from attachment. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iFRxqMTxc8o

Innocence (Ignorance.) vs knowledge (Experience .) vs wisdom (Realization.). So much easier said than done. I only wonder how one is to achieve calm in the midst of a storm? Those claps of thunder make it AWFULLY hard to hear the silence. How does one calm or better yet, depart from the ego?

I could benefit from learning how to calm my mind. It would help alot actually. I overthink and panic when something doesn't go my way or I'm hurt instead of thinking first on it. Could be from growing up in a household full of people who emotionally blow up when hurt so that's all I've known. I try my best and I never seem to be able to acheive that inner peace. I talk a big game but at the end of the day I'm a joke people laugh at.

My mom has been really sick for the past year, and I have tried my best being there for her. Gone to the emergency room with her multiple times staying by her side, picking up all of her prescription medicine, told her how much I love her everyday, and it’s never enough. She keeps telling me she didn’t raise me this way, and keeps asking me to show her love. Even sitting with her hugging her not saying anything isn’t enough. She breaks down crying constantly and I’m worn down. I love my mom and I wish she can see it.

my life sucks, girls would't talk to me no matter what I do, my family is pushing me to the edge of insanity and my life is getting worse and worse no matter what I do