Vent

@kuharido It's interesting reading your comment and thinking about my friendships. I guess it's just hard to be a -good- friend. Resolving friend drama is so extremely rare in my own life because my friend count is so low, but if there are drama between two of my friends I disassociate from it. It's programmed in from my upbringing.

Fuck, I wish my emotions chilled out. I'm feeling good, I'm productive and hyped up to do a lot. Then a memory comes up. Or nothing even sometimes. But an overwhelming sense of sadness, a loneliness... a fear of opening up again. And you end up sitting on the floor in the bathroom, staring at the wall. Half an hour passes, you don't resolve anything, don't come up with any solution. Your feelings just fade, and you feel good again, aside from the time you lost. Guess that's part of being human tho, eh?

Oh yeah. That's all being human is. Shit and suffering. Why? Because we're alive, and ironically enough, life itself doesn't seem to like the living all that much"

Eh. I wouldn't go that far. In all the shit and suffering, I'm grateful for a lot of things. And I want a lot of things. Sure, I'm sad about how a lot of things turned out. It haunts me sometimes. Aside from that, it's a constant battle maybe, sure. At times it feels pointless and hopeless too. But if I've been happy, who's to say I won't be happy again? And even if those feelings don't last, maybe that's something I just ought to accept, ought to get used to. Nothing in the end is permanent. The only person you've got with you for the rest of your life... is you. That's a hard pill to swallow for me, but it's also why I abandoned my comfort and started working hard to transition careers. I want more power. More ability to influence my life, and the world around me. I want to affirm life, and my own existence, not merely drift through it like till now. I want to live... right up to the moment I die.

When you're broke as shit, Christmas music grates extra hard. So much advertising telling you "BUY, BUY BUY!!!". Fucking Christmas... Would that I could.

Sleep? AHAHAH GIMME STIMULATION. wish i was this hype when i'm rested in the morning I WANNA TALK TO NEW PEOPLE, I WANNA DO STUFF WHY IS MY BODY TIRED AND MY BRAIN WIRED >:3 https://c.tenor.com/wOrCBroVoDUAAAAC/tenor.gif

Enjoy the hype... To have four hours of sleep is bliss at this point and to have more is but a dream. Can't honestly remember the last time I had more than four hours, but I digress. Enjoy your hype.

Holy hell yass, poor you :< https://c.tenor.com/ngpifLa9ieQAAAAC/tenor.gif