Vent

Lately I've been finding it hard to get out of bed every day. I think my insomnia is kicking back into gear, too. I feel guilty about it, I'm not sure why. I find myself teetering between believing that I can make it change and having no confidence at all that I'll ever feel better. I didn't really make the connection beforehand, but someone told me that I'm probably depressed, and that kinda felt like the right conclusion to me. Things haven't gone my way for a while, and I think I ended up at a point of just not wanting anything anymore.

Not really much of a vent but eh You know I've always told myself that I'm strong on my own, that I don't need anyone else since people are untrustworthy and will hold me back from achieving my goals but god there's times where I genuinely wish I had someone at my side to cheer me on, assure me that things will work out and spare me from my own overcritical thoughts for once. I feel like I'm just completely alone at times even if I'm surrounded by friends.

Just waiting to get finals over with before I transfer out of the current school I'm in to one that's a better fit for me.

At 3am, after a night of drinking with strangers, listening to old 80s music, and crappy pizza I was sitting in the living room with my friends. One had a serious girlfriend, and one — like me — had been single for a long time. The one with a girlfriend was just super fucking dismissive about us being single. "You'll find that someone some day", or whatever his words were. I don’t talk about it a lot, except maybe very late at night, or when I am extremely stressed out, but being single is hard in a way that people in couples tend to be highly dismissive of. Or is it just me? Am I the crazy one here? If you’re single, and you complain about being single, you’ll normally get some advice about learning to accept yourself before being able to be with a partner, or waiting on the "right" one, because they'll seemingly always come along soon enough. The current model is work on yourself, “improve” yourself, when you’re alone then when you are sufficiently “un-broken” you will be able to attract a mate. To admit that you’re unsatisfied being single is almost like an admission that you’re not ready to be in a relationship; if you’re not “complete” when you’re alone, you’re not worthy of a partner. First off, I'm not... that broken, and secondly, I do accept myself. OK, sure, I struggle with the concept of loving myself, but I don't always hate myself. And thirdly, isn't it better, to have someone close to you to help guide you and help you on improving yourself, rather than doing it all alone? Oh, oh, on the one hand, other people seem to glorify being single. Sure, if you're a person with no outstanding issues, being single may actually be a good thing. But in my case, being single has actually been a detriment to me, especially my health. I find myself eating unhealthily at times, and by the time I come to realise it, I've already chowed through a few greasy takeaways. No one ever admits our need for interdependence. Or, people hardly admit it. I don't hear others tell single people to be single for a while, but remember, it might be a challenge without any physical contact. IT IS A CHALLENGE. Unfortunately for us, some needs can only be met by a romantic partner, and no way am I going to have casual sex, because my conscience just wouldn't allow for it. Why must everything be so difficult? Am I crazy?

Nothing like a pregnant lazy bum who uses her looks to get the male Co workers to do her work as she shamelessly flirts around. She has a husband too. How can people be so terrible? If she didn't want to do the job she shouldn't have applied. She also enjoys lieing yo get the women in trouble. Managers actually like her too.

@bakamangaka I know that feel, I have two close friends in my group of friends who are already married and stuff who say the same exact thing word for word if we end up on that subject. I mean I personally like myself quite a bit, I'm intelligent, nihilistic and have a wicked sense of humor...all jokes aside I do feel I need to 'improve myself' but isn't improving oneself in both mind and body an everyday thing? I can't see myself just completely stopping in terms of improvement as soon as I find someone, there's always room for more no matter how old you get. I dunno I'm fine with being single though it would be nice to just have someone around that 'gets' me, that I really feel as if I can be completely open with. Every time I do run into someone like that things just don't work out at all, while the people I do end up with I guess end up rejecting that inner part of myself that I lay bare for them in some way. Ironically the people of the former category tell me the exact same thing too: "just work on yourself and the right person will come along" I feel like I should be angry at that type of stuff at this point but I dunno, maybe my patience is the result of me following so many people's advice and "working on myself" lmao Though I have something else to vent about actually: I sometimes feel like my patience and care when it comes to people who I like being around leads them to taking advantage of me. I'm a very emotionally honest person so I guess people (especially female friends) rely on me for real advice instead of just the common confirmation bias-heavy shit that many other people regurgitate just to make the other party feel good and basically just make them reaffirm their position whether it's detrimental to their situation or not when it comes to their problems. There's quite a few contacts I have who's relationship with me is literally just that. They pop up when they have a problem they want to talk about and then they're gone for months on end, I mean I'm a fiercely loyal friend and I have no issue with helping a friend in need out, but I don't appreciate it if that's literally the only thing you want me around for. But on the flip-side they can't be bothered with me if I want to vent about stuff or if I'm going through something, it's pretty lame. I just can't help but wonder how people can be such shameless hypocrites. I just try to live right, be honest and treat those close to me right but so many people time and time again prove to me that they aren't worthy of such gestures, that they truly have earned whatever issues they have with other people with the flaws they refuse to address. Not saying I'm perfect or anything but I'm completely aware of my flaws and how they may impact other people. There's just so many people who live their lives either being ignorant of how they affect others no matter how many signals or clear explanations they get or just plain don't give a damn and reassure themselves that it's not them, it's everyone else. But eh screw it, none of this is going to stop me from practicing the lost art of "being a fucking decent human being" this is just the creed I live by and I can't see that changing no matter how much humiliation I go through.