Divorce

------------ I would spend hours upon hours crying in my apartment and wondering what I had done wrong. I pondered and pondered until my eyes couldn't focus anymore. It was a spiral of pain and all I could do was wallow in it. I kept going to work, and for a few months I managed okay without letting on that I was having trouble, but there was a young girl who started there around the same time I did, and she gave me nothing but grief. She gave it to other people too, but it was nothing like when she gave it to me. She would openly insult me or treat me like an idiot in front of other people in the office. To this day, I've still never met such a hateful person in my life. She was not well-liked in general either. My frustration with her had been building ever since I first got there. Well, one day, my supervisor was being highly-critical of something I was working on, and she invited herself into the meeting (which she had no business being in; particularly since she was quitting and it was her last day) and began to give her opinion too. He didn't bother to stop her, and he kept on with the disparaging comments as well. It was a project that I had volunteered to do that was totally outside the scope of my job description in the first place, so to have her in there chiding me, on top of him criticizing beyond what was necessary... it finally pushed me too far. I couldn't contain my anger anymore. I called him into another room and proceeded to read him the riot act. I raised my voice and told him exactly what I thought of the whole ordeal and I told him that I demanded some respect or I was walking. I can recall my whole body shaking violently at the time because I was struggling so hard not to erupt. The next day, unbeknownst to me, he had set up a meeting with HR. They had me come into a conference room where they told me that my supervisor had felt "intimidated and threatened" by my behavior. He had told them he was "genuinely afraid" I was going to punch him. At this point, my mind just started to unravel, I broke down into tears and explained everything that was going on and what had happened with my supervisor the previous day. He tried to defend himself, but at that point there was very little he could say. I couldn't contain it anymore and I was bent over the table sobbing my eyes out. For the first time in my life, I truly believed that I wanted to kill myself. They said that maybe I just needed to go home for the day and try to rest. They asked me if I felt like I would be safe at home by myself, and I only managed to whimper out a "No." In my mind I was already envisioning a bathtub... razorblades... pills... I just wanted all the pain to end. They tried to call my marriage counselor after I agreed to give them his number, but they couldn't get ahold of him. Instead, they took me to a free four-day shelter that housed people who needed immediate care to prevent them from hurting themselves. All I can remember was that it was like a nightmare... When I got out I did eventually see my marriage counselor, and continued to work with him on getting better. I tried to go back to work, but I froze at the door. I didn't know how to face everyone after that. HR suggested that I take disability leave, so I ended up doing just that. Unfortunately, my doctors didn't clear me in time for me to go back to work, so I ended up losing that job. I did eventually find the right medication that seemed to work for me and it has really made a drastic improvement in my life. I found another job fairly quickly in Mississippi, and I've been here for about a year now. It's been two years since the divorce, and I rarely ever get upset enough to cry and I don't focus so much on the negative anymore. While I like to think that I'm pretty much over it, I know there's still a part of me that will always love her and wish things had gone differently. I've just had to accept that I'll continue to have those feelings and understand that the pain will fade with time. In many ways, it already has. ------------- Anyway, that's my story. I'm sorry it was so long and meandering, but I wanted to give you a clear picture of what the circumstances were, where I'm at now, and what brought me here. I hope it helps, but I know that it's incredibly hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with these things. No one can fully understand what it's like to lose a spouse until they go through it themselves. Just go easy on yourself and don't tear yourself down like I did. It does get better. As you can see, here I am trying to get out and learn to love again; to actually hope that love is possible again, in spite of all that's happened. Here's hoping you're getting there too.

It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there the way you just did. Thank you for sharing with me what you have gone through. It's amazing to me that I can relate to a complete stranger more than my real life friends at the moment. None of them know what to say or do around me. I hope this community knows how helpful it has been in the -one- day I've been here.

Shawnji, I read that whole story and yeah, tough stuff. I'm 36 myself and have never been married. Have has a couple long term relationships that lasted a couple+ years but never really hit the serious marriage consideration stage before it ended. To me it sounded like you guys got married way too young. She was only 20 when you got hitched. Most girls around that age are more interested in experiencing college life and their futures then worrying about settling down and potentially starting a family. To me the fact she picked up her entire life and moved with you to Japan was a pretty significant sacrifice on her part and she spent a good portion of her early 20s not getting to experience what a lot of people her age usually get to around that time. I frankly see it more often than not. People getting hitched probably 5 years sooner at least than they should and not getting to lead a more exciting life they might have envisioned. I will say in the long run, be thankful no children ever came to fruition from that relationship. I don't honestly think you did anything inherently wrong and you carried your weight as far as taking care of business from a fiscal stand point. Im not one to speculate what might have driven a wedge between you too, but I think the move to Japan and her not getting to experience some other things she might have wanted to because she was married to you potentially contributed. She wanted to make up for the time she was living in Japan with you and separating from you was the only way to do it. Her timidness and never really giving you a straight answer are tell tale signs of that imo, but I honestly could be mistaken. I'm admittedly speculating a little given I'm going on just what I read in your story there.

Well, honestly Rain, I think you hit it almost entirely on the head. Much of that is what I've speculated on myself or that even her own father told me he suspected (she wouldn't even talk to him about it, apparantly). It's worth mentioning that she had already decided to quit college before we even started talking about marriage; and she actually wanted kids more than I did. I was the one trying to be pragmatic about it and saying I wanted to get financially soluble before we took that step. I have to say that I'm EXTREMELY glad there weren't children involved. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself to put kids through that. Honestly, I think the biggest hurdle for me in the entire thing was that marriage for me was sacred. I held onto it as an eternal bond, and I took my vows very seriously; all the while telling myself that divorce would never be an option. I would find a way to work things out; no matter the obstacle. Part of why it hit me so hard was my own percieved failure to do that. My dream of living with the woman I loved into old age was shattered and I had to come to terms with the fact that my life would never be the same again. There was also the fear of stigmas. How would people percieve me knowing I was divorced? Would they immediately assume I was an adulterer? Would they think that I wasn't worth anything as a husband? How could anyone ever love me again? I felt branded. Coming to grips with all this, while losing a best friend and lover, at the same time dealing with the reverse culture shock of coming home again... it all just completely devastated me. By all accounts, I consider it a miracle that I'm still standing. At any rate, I don't blame her, and I certainly don't bear her any ill will (although there were times when I definitely did). I would prefer she be happy and have the life she wants rather than being miserable with me. Still... you always end up wondering if there wasn't some way to fix things. Well, to be honest, lately I've come to believe that some things probably just weren't meant to be fixed. If me telling my story did have a specific point, I would say that it was to illustrate exactly the thing you were talking about in terms of marrying too early. I want people to really consider the meaning of marriage and what it entails, not just for themselves, but for their partners too; then ask themselves if they are genuinely capable of handling it. More often than not, until someone has a good deal of life experience, I would say the answer is "no."

I’ve never been married thus I never experienced divorce but I think I know how she felt since I had such feelings before. Also, I agree with RainX and will most likely end up repeating his point of view, you clever guy. Look at it blindly, no one is at fault, and shawnji, you did nothing wrong; you were busy and did everything you could to keep life going. She was hiding her honest feelings and for way too long. You have to be a master to realise that something was wrong or things were going not fine and what to do right, so you couldn’t know it. Though it was a good thing that you eventually made her tell what she wanted because it could have been worse in future. What I can guess, I think she was really thinking a lot about you, worried about you and did all for your benefit and completely forgot about herself and what SHE wanted from life. The one reason of hiding her feelings was because she was afraid to upset you and take away your opportunity to get a job, and possibly to go to Japan. So this part can be her fault but we won’t blame anyone now. There’s also a possibility that her feelings have changed. We have to remember that feelings are the important part in relationship, it’s possible that she stopped feeling the same way and was afraid to tell it to you since you two were married and gone that far in life together. In this situation none of you can do anything, really; we still don’t know how feelings work and we would always feel regret for what we have done due to our emotions. This is why I always make myself stop and think for some time when I am having strong feelings or why do I feel this way and are these feelings real? I also advice everyone else to wait and think about any kind of situation. I’d have said that you should forgive her although I find her cutting all contacts with you is quite an extreme decision. On the other hand, too early marriage and young age do push people to do rush decisions and get exited too fast, it just happens and there are many who do that, so don’t feel bad about it, we all understand and I’m glad you do as well and feel better now, I truly feel sorry for what you’ve gone through. Her losing the chance to experience what peers of her age could have experienced also made her feel uneasy, but that is not your fault for the most part, shawnji, you both should have worked together and think through many things sure but strong feelings make people do crazy things, be they good or bad. (By no means I question your true feelings for her, I just say the extra feelings you get at the beginning which you can’t really control). As for advice, I’d only say that if you plan to do serious plans and actions with the significant other, you really should think it through and agree together for it. Plan what you two will do when it will happen, how it is going to be and such. For a simple example, if you plan to live together, imagine how it is going to be? Do you plan to live in his or her house? Or in a completely new place? Are you ready to live together to begin with? Try to travel together if you are not sure, this should give some picture how you two will act in different environment and also test how you two will manage living together, a simple volunteering or camping could be a good choice, too. By no means you have to do all of these things, just think about it, you could come up with your own ideas. Also, you know how they say, do what your heart says, it is relationship after all, trust your guts and make sure what your lover feel and want to do with their lives. I’d like to also repeat myself that I am not a specialist of these kind of things and I don’t know all the details so all this is purely my opinion. Also apologise for any grammar mistakes.