Divorce

I am new here, but I am at a loss. Just looking to speak with people that have similar interests about serious things. I am currently going through a divorce. It was my first marriage, we had been together for five years, married for almost two. I want to be mad because I was not ready to give up, but at the same time I understand why my wife wants to leave. There is no infidelity on either part, I just no longer make her happy. I'd like to get different points of view on my situation, but preferably through private messages. Both genders' points of view are welcome. I'd be happy to provide more details in PM, so people could have a better understanding of the situation. Really just looking for people to talk to, and maybe build some friendships in the process.

Hey I separated from my husband early this year so I kinda understand what you are going through. I'm here if you wanna chat :)

I have a markedly similar story-desu. If you ever want to talk to another guy who's been through the same thing, feel free to message me anytime-desu. (Please don't mind all the "desu"-desu. It was part of a dare-desu. You will find that we're all a little crazy here-desu. ^^;)

I wasn't married but I was with my ex for almost 6 years so I know what it's like to invest so much time and effort into a relationship just to see it fall to pieces around you, hit me up if you wanna talk

So, eldertaco sent me a PM and asked me if I wouldn't mind trading stories about our divorces. I thought it sounded like a good idea and started to jot down what had happened as best as I could remember. After I wrote it all out, I had a thought that seemed at once like a good idea, but also a bit scary. I thought that maybe it would be worth sharing my story here too. I find it embarrassing in a lot of respects, but I also feel like maybe it could really help someone other than just elder, so maybe that makes it worth sharing. I wavered on this for about an hour before finally deciding that I would just go ahead and put it out there and if it hurts people's opinion of me, so be it. I only ask that you have enough respect for me to not share this information anywhere outside of these forums. I know I can't make anyone do that, and the internet being what it is should probably give me pause, but I'm hoping it will be worth it and that people will be kind for the most part. Anyway, ignore if you'd like, or feel free to read on. P.S. Maya, I hope you'll forgive the lack of "desu" here, but I think you can overlook it in this one instance. ^_^ ---------- We got married when she was 20 and I was 24, and divorced when she was 26 and I was 30. Not but a few months after our wedding I got a job offer to move to Japan and teach English. She was okay with it at the time, so being young and impetuous we just packed up and went. As the years went by, the work was stressing me out horribly, and when I came home I tended to just sit on the couch and do nothing. I was so stressed that I didn't even want to be physically intimate with her a lot of the time. Her sex drive was higher than mine, so I often think that may have taken a toll on things. Despite that, I would talk to her about all my issues and she would always be reassuring and supportive; though she was always very quiet about her feelings no matter how much I would try and pry. We always said "I love you," every morning and every night. She would tell me, "You'd have to beat me off with a stick," whenever I was worried that maybe she wasn't happy with me. She was super affectionate. She'd laugh at all my stupid jokes. We'd go on picnics or go to parks often. For the most part, she seemed happy and I assumed things were okay... ------------- One night, after work, I came home and she was making dinner. I noticed she seemed really tense, and I tried to ask her what was wrong. I finally got a response. "Nothing." She was always like this. It was like pulling teeth to ever get her to tell me what was going on with her; so I pushed and pushed some more, hoping to get to the bottom of it. "I want to stay in the U.S. when we go back for Christmas, but... I think you should stay here." "What do you mean? You want to go back permanently?!" She nodded and I was stunned for a moment. I hesitated, but my response finally came. The frustration was probably visible on my face. "Listen, there's no way I could stay here without you until March when my contract runs out! I don't know how I'm going to do this, but we'll get everything settled here and we'll just go back and stay in the U.S. together, okay?" She looked down at the floor. "I... I think... even if we go back, I want to... live... apart for a while." My eyes got wide and I could feel myself start to tear up. "What do you mean? What are you talking about? Are you saying you want to separate?!" She looked pained like she didn't know how to find the words, and she nodded again. I flew into a panic. "What are you saying!? How can you say that!? What have I done!? What's happened?!" "You haven't done anything..." "Then what is it? What's going on?" "I just feel like..." She paused again and took several seconds before finishing her response. "I feel like I've never really been on my own, and if I'm with you, I feel like I'll always want to take care of you instead of focusing on myself. I'm afraid I'll end up running back to you when I hit a wall." "I don't understand! When have I ever made you feel like you couldn't do what you wanted?" "You didn't. It's me... it's just me." "Listen, is there something else going on? Is there someone else?! Please just tell me! It'll be worse later, so please just tell me now! Please!!" Tears were streaming down my face. She was silent. "Is this about divorce?! Do you want a divorce? Please just tell me now if that's what's going on here!" She started crying and she wrapped her arms around herself. "No! No, that's not it!!" I didn't know what to do. I couldn't process it all. I had to get some air... "I'm going to take a walk..."

------------- A few months passed without us being intimate at all. Before when I would reach out to her she used to practically melt, but now she only pulled away. I worked like crazy to find a replacement for myself at the school while simultaneously spending my evenings trying to get things prepared for our exit from Japan. It was hard work since we'd been there for nearly five years and had amassed a good amount of stuff. I sold off a lot of the junk I'd accumulated. ---------- There was one night in particular that stands out in my mind; and it still makes me ache in my heart a little to think about it even now. I was resting on the couch, and she came up and kissed me... hard. She kissed me in a way that she hadn't since she told me about wanting to separate. "That was... that was a nice surprise." "Yeah... I... kind of surprised myself too." I reached out to kiss her again. I wanted more than anything to feel close to her... but... she pulled away. "I'm sorry," I said. "No, I"m sorry." That turned out to be our last kiss... ------------- When we got back to the U.S., we split up. I couldn't take being alone and I told her that I desperately wanted us to see a marriage counselor. She refused, so I decided I would go on my own. The counselor told me that I needed to try and just give her space for a while and work on myself in the meantime; so I did. I got a job working as a translator for a company in Kentucky. It was about a six hour drive away from her house, and almost nine hours from my parents', but I packed up and moved myself north. We didn't talk for five months after that. No phone calls or anything. I called her a couple times right at the outset, but she never called me once. The first communication I got from her was an envelope... ...it was divorce papers. Right off the bat I called in sick to work, and then immediately called her straight after. "I thought you said you DIDN'T want this?!" Silence, and then... "I'm... sorry..." I felt a flood of emotions rush over me... I didn't know what to say other than... "Is this really what you want?" "It is." "Is there nothing I can do to change your mind? Please!! Just tell me what I need to do!!" "I'm sorry." "..." "I'll sign the papers when I can. Let me talk to a lawyer first and then I'll get back to you." "Okay." ------------- A few months down the road it was almost over. The divorce would be final the very next day. I drove all the way from Kentucky to her house in Arkansas and asked her to meet me for lunch. At the restaurant, I told her that this wasn't just about trying to keep the marriage going just for the sake of the marriage. I told her that it was about how much I loved her and how much I wanted to do whatever it took to fix whatever problems I'd created. She told me again that it wasn't my fault and that I had been a good husband... but I didn't believe her. I asked her to explain why she was doing this because I just couldn't understand her reasoning. She told me she didn't know how else to say it. I gave her back my wedding ring, and she gave me back hers. I went over to her house, said "Hi," to her dad, picked up a few things that I had left there, hugged her goodbye, and... ...that was it. I never saw her again after that.