Body Issues WARNING maybe triggering for some

It's a great thing you managed to stick it out in the end, it's really tough accepting the idea that there's something wrong with us but sometimes we have to face the truth and deal with it as best as we can. I hope everything's going well for you. I've never suffered from anorexia but I do have a couple of body problems myself, one of which is a hereditary thing (My dad, big brother and a number of my uncles have it) where most of my body fat is distributed around waist and it REALLY sucks and I hate it so I'm consistently working out and trying to keep in shape to avoid that bullshit. Although I've come back from a doctor's appointment today to have a blood test to check for diabetes since I've been having problems the past two months and it basically runs in my family so I wanted to get that out the way and hoping the result comes back saying I don't have it. If the results come back positive then I'll just have to deal with it - but it is terrifying to me because I've never had anything wrong with me in my life so I don't know what to think about this whole thing except that it's pretty scary to me knowing that I might have a shitty medical condition. But apart from that, I'm pretty alright with my body for the most part, I feel most of it is how it should be. The only thing I really don't like about myself is the dark shade around my eyes - it's nothing sleep related as my whole family has it and I sleep very well so I'm guessing it's another genetic thing but it clashes with how pale I am so it's especially noticeable - I've even considered wearing glasses simply in hopes to hide it because it annoys me that much. But yeah, I guess that's my little story thingamajig.

I've had body issues my whole life, I went through puberty extremely young. By the time I was 9 I already had boobs and hips, doesn't sound so bad... but kids can be very mean. I was a cheerleader and a soccer player, but no matter what I did the boobs and hips stayed, and so did the mean comments. I ended up locking myself away in my room for months at a time, I'd gain weight, then lose it. this went on for years, I ended up not eating for days, then binge eating. I'd lose 30lbs, gain 20, lose 40, gain 30. it was weird. I never thought of myself as beautiful by any means because of this.... It took a huge turning point in my life for me to accept the person I was, to be ok with who I am... sometimes I still struggle with it and won't eat for days... but, having people to talk to, people that understand what I'm going through helps :) I wish you all the luck in the world because I know the toll it can take on a person.

CONFESSION GOODBYE APOLOGY hiding this from you is the most evil thing ive done i want to write a goodbye message but also a confession coz i know being sick again is terrible and it scares me and im afraid to show myself to my Unicorn again after all this. she would never judge me and that makes me feel worse than if she hates me. she doesnt want drama or anything that would make her quiet MO life not quiet anymore so i guess just ill apologize for it now too i also know how useless making new thread is if lots of threads for same things already exist. i just dont know where to put my post in so i copied it to 3 different threads so sorry for that if its spammy. i guess different MO people deal with problems different. some post mean stuff on walls or threads. some unfriends people. some deactivate accounts. some people spam like me. or maybe i just like attention but who the hell here doesnt want attention of some kind anyway ?? we all just seek it differently i guess MO became my favorite place for some months now and i think everyone here as friends. i also became inlove and obssessed with someone here coz she was so smart and kind to everyone and when i friended her i knew she will be someone i wanna keep forever first i wanna thank her for showing MO that being super busy and accomplished and anonymous is not an excuse to be unkind and mean to people. that being super beautiful and smart doesnt mean you have to parade it and be an asshole about it. i hope others follow her example. but maybe its just her nature and not everyone could ever be like her. that really sucks big time my love became worrying though. i spent all my time on MO. we became friends on facebook and skype and i spoke to her several times. having a face on her name now i became more obssessed coz shes so smart kind beautiful. basically perfect: something that never happens irl. i had to call her my Unicorn and im always afraid that someone else would have her. i stalked her friends and colleagues on facebook trying to judge who is inlove with her as much as me. the answer is MANY OF THEM im sure of it. im just so sure of it being possessive of her online is easy. i just spam her wall with love and pervert things to scare away people who wanna be friends with her or talk to her. its crazy and stupid of me but understand that i know how easy it is to fall inlove and obssess over her. i was always scared of the day she trusts someone else with her facebook and skype the way she did me coz i know once MO people see the face that is connected to the brilliant kind person she is everyone would fall inlove with her. i was crazy crazy paranoid thinking all this. it wasnt healthy and she kept telling me so. she asked me to meet more people irl but i didnt listen. i dont want other people. i just want her she became my thinspiration even though she stopped me number of times. thinspiration is what bulimic and anorexic kids like me see as the ideal body and beauty type. thinspiration is fashion magazines with pretty skinny models that i wanna copy. but in my case the girl im inlove with became my thinspiration. i want her fresh baby face. i want her glowing super smooth skin. i want her skinny and tiny TINY body. she dives for her marine chemistry work so its not weird that she had a great body. i want her more but i also got more and more jealous of her. is that crazy ?? i want to be smart as her so i force myself to study math and chemistry. i want her body so i look at myself all the time asking why im so tall and why are my bones structure like this. i want her skin so i stay inside my house the whole day to avoid bad juju outside like germs maybe ?? i also wanted a perfect family and friends like her coz everyone loves her. i wanted her and i wanted her life at same time she doesnt know any of this coz im afraid that shell be worried coz she had the biggest kindest heart. im scared of myself now so im seeking help again like my therapist said and also what my Unicorn said to me all those times when i just didnt pay attention to her. i didnt listen to her coz i know that if i admit all that i did to my doctors i would go to rehab again and ill never be able to talk to my Unicorn again. i never told her this and now i wish i had coz if she says i need to go to rehab again i would obey her TO MY UNICORN you were one of my top supporters in my anorexia battle now i end up disappointing you coz of i got so obssessed with this love for you. i am a crazy fan maybe i dunno you read me well all the time and i never listen to you. i claim that i love you but i just do this all stubborn things you tell me to stop doing im sorry i really am im more sorry to you than myself coz you saved my life several times and i just keep ignoring and wasting your concern for me. i go back to the states and check in at rehab again the end of July so this might be goodbye for now. but please dont forget me okay ?? your the reason why i wanna be better and be cured for real and for good this time. thank you for your kind patience and wisdom even on times that i dont deserve it you know this already but ill say it again I LOVE YOU THE MOST and thank you thank you for saving my life all the time

Wow Erica! That was amazing! Well I hope the best for you, take care of yourself! I hope you come back and visit, you have such an energetic and amazing personality!

my struggle https://bodybymcdonalds.files.wordpress.com/2015/01/forever-small.jpg

I'm probably supposed to be around 150lbs for my height and age. Thanks to nuclear reactor metabolism I'm forever 120lbs woohoo.

Wow, Erica! It takes a lot of guts to come clean and make a confession like this. It's great that you decided on your own to seek help. I'm sure Ringo will support your decision on this. I'll miss your posts :(