Body Issues WARNING maybe triggering for some

These hands are great. Look at these hands. He said, "if you have small hands you know what that means...". I guarantee you there's no problem. I have great hands, trust me.

The first time I was ever made to realize that there was something "wrong" with my body was when I was 14 and I got rejected from advanced ballet school. I never really understood what happened before. All I recall was my parents, especially my dad, getting super upset and saying that they would find another ballet school for me. And my ballet teacher saying that all "good" ballet teachers would do the same thing, i.e. reject me. I never fully understood then that I basically got "kicked out" of school because I was either "too fat" or "too developed". Not that anything really developed, if you know what I mean. I was skinny and small then and I'm still skinny and small today despite my age, but back then, compared to the rest of the ballerinas my age and skill range in that class, I guess I developed pretty fast. I was a child, and all I thought was I did something wrong to upset my teacher that's why I got kicked out. I didn't even know what "body issues" or "skinny" meant back then. All I know was I could no longer do the thing that I loved doing the most because of something that was probably "my fault". I went to an all-girls school from kindergarten up to high school, but we were never really mean to each other with regard to weight. It was one thing we never paid attention to when we were together. We tease each other about grades, talents, hair, smell, and looks, but never about weight. Not because we were being careful of each other's feelings (trust me, mean girls can be mean). We just never considered being thin as a qualifier to being pretty. All the pretty, popular girls in our school were diverse in body types as well as in other things. Plus, all the boys I know at this age were from all-boys schools, who were basically thankful just to know and have girls in their lives, so no one was upfront mean or critical about anything. It's just that weight was that one thing no one really thinks is important unless you get out into the "real world", I guess? Fast forward to when I was 21 and starting out a career in marine science and diving. The organization I work for is pretty rigorous when it comes to health checks and medical backgrounds. I don't gain weight easily, but I'm also fairly disciplined with what I eat and I'm pretty active, so I felt good about myself then because all I needed before I get assigned to the post is medical clearance. When I was doing my medicals and about to be deployed for my first field position, the doctor's first question was, "Are you sure you can do this?" I was taken aback. I wondered if he asked all of my other colleagues the same question (which, of course, I found out in the future that he didn't). He focused more on my being underweight rather than the fact that I got all my required shots and that I never even got the tiniest bit of sick since I was a baby. I felt stereotyped again right then and there inside the doctor's office because of my body type. In our research facility, I always get teased by guys offering to help me carry my scuba tank because it's big and heavy. I always politely say no, but deep down I get paranoid and ask, "Oh crap, did they sneak a peek at my medical records? Do they know what the doctors told me about lifting heavy stuff?" My close friends and the two men I was in serious relationships with only have good things to say about me, physically (I think that's in the contract you sign when you start dating someone :P). And every time I start a serious discussion about my body concerns (not the, "I feel bloated/too fat today!" kind of talk, but the really serious talk), they automatically dismiss it as something shallow or they make me feel ungrateful for the body that I have compared to someone with serious issues in terms of health or obesity, for example. They never fully understood that I don't really care about looking good. If I say this to one of my female friends, I swear, I would seriously get laughed at and called a liar or a hypocrite or just fishing for compliments. They believe that only people who are not skinny have body issues. I never had the guts to tell them that they're wrong. That I seriously feel -- not really bad -- more like "inadequate", in and about my body. I just want to do the thing that I love and this "thing" -- this body -- that they call "beautiful", is stopping me from doing that. I've been told before that my body will not be enough to do what I love, because I was the wrong size aka "big". I was young and didn't have the power to go against my circumstances back then. Hearing the same reason for my possibly not being able to dive and do marine research when I got older brought serious dilemma to my adult self. Now, "professionals" are still telling me that my body is not enough to do the thing I want to do forever because it's still the wrong size aka "small". It was unbelievable! I just had it right then and there. My question was, "So in this lifetime, when will my body ever be enough to do something as simple as the thing that I love?" I scarily realized that depending on whom I ask, the answer could probably be "never". What I did next was a gamble, a risk, something I never imagined I would l ever do in my entire life, and something I seriously would not advice anyone I know to do. I stopped listening to professionals aka doctors. They all say that if I don't stop what I'm doing now or at least limit it, I will suffer when I get old. They say "suffer", but their concern is not really a big deal for me. They say that with my tiny body type, I could risk bending/twisting my back the wrong way and be in bad shape when I get older. And I say to myself that yeah, but what if I don't even get old? What if I die trying to stay safe and even though I was busy taking care of my body? I say, maybe I'll just let future Ringo handle that. What I did to put an end to the medical clearance hullabaloo thing was pay a higher diver's insurance premium compared to the rest of my colleagues and that settled that. I feel that that was honestly the best decision I ever made my entire life and I have no regrets at all. And yes, the full journey to recovery and self-love is a day-by-day thing. It can't be an instant success story. I have to keep reminding myself that everything I accomplished and experienced so far in my life is not just because of (or in spite of) my body. I have all the other aspects of myself to thank for that. @Erica-chan I've been here on MO more than a month and I can honestly say that this is the bravest, most heartfelt post/thread I've ever read here. :) You will get there, wherever you want and deserve, I'm sure. :) And I'm glad to know you have good people in your life to support you.

I don't like my curly hair and can't do shit with it and I have cronic acid reflux. Its a long story about the acid reflux. I also hate that I have autism and mood disorders and asthma. As well as a tracking problem because of the tracking problem it hendered me from graduating this year because the teachers thought I could not read. I can't become an astronaut or fly a plane because of my tracking problem, eye sight, and medication, as well as my hight. which sucks because I have a facanation with things that fly and space. I got fucked over in this life because I can't do the things that I want to do but can't due to everything about me

While I don't really have this issue on the level of others I have seen comment here I'll throw myself into the fray. I used to be really self conscious about my hefty and bulky appearance especially when it came to doing things like swimming. The thing I'm currently most self conscious about is my body hair (I've got a fair amount of it). I among other things years ago overcame most of this self consciousness (if I had a real idea how believe me I'd let it be known) and now I'm pretty alright with my body. I've thought multiple times about starting to go to the gym and working out (I'm too picky of an eater to consider a drastic diet change) but it never seems to materialize for one reason or another. You guys (and girls) have had things on a whole different level than myself and you are all pretty damn strong in my book for still being here and able to talk about it. Don't be ashamed of your scars embrace them.

THANK U EVERYOEN XD XD I luv reading ur stories nd its nice to c different prsepctives and ideas from different body types. ur stories enlghten and empowering me so thx again XD XD

@Erica Thank YOU for encouraging us to share. It's nice to have such people like you.

Thanks for sharing your story Erica :). I have always had issues with the way I look for as long as I can remember. My issue is the typical wanting to be slim but having curves. Luckily as i have aged and realised alot of men like big boobs and butts I am more at peace with myself. I'm still not 100% happy but I don't think anyone is tbh.