the narcissist

Starting to understand the core wound of narcissism better... It says what about me. Am I in this and that did they forget about me? I'm great did they forget about me? I have to remind them. Some uncontrollable deep desire inside me wants to be acknowledged and not forgotten. The counter I found is saying what about you as if you require special attention because in your mind you feel special. Still trying to figure it out maybe more will come to me. Trying to be more grounded. I'm glad nobody here treated me special or I would of missed this gap in my awareness. I gotta work this out with God. Edit: I'm at a middle ground I don't require special attention as if it is only right you give me your attention as if the world revolves around me. I'll ask for attention in the future going forward on matters I think are important if I ever get the chance to help other narcissists. May I have your attention to this matter please is what I will say. And, acknowledge I may not be worthy of others attention. But, please hear me out. That's more grounded.

I don't have a problem carrying your problems. Such sacredness I've come across today iykyk. It's the opposite of how a narcissist normally feels. But, I love my gf her kids and her family. I told this to my gf today because she worries her self to death and trys to carry everything alone so not to make me worry. Had to tell her she is a catch my prize in this life. Irreplaceable. She's God's gift to me with love so pure she can draw the sacred out of me. Had to tell her her worth and make sure she doesn't forget it. Edit: Time for a rant... Not everyone wants to have that sacred bond with just anyone the I have no problem carrying your problems. The more love you have for people the more you want to grow that sacred bond. There's a excess of love looking to form bonds out of excess. Some people want to destroy those bonds some people want to save and create more. Some believe the bonds make you weak makes whoever they consider the whole weaker out of excess love for there part of the whole they destroy bonds. Some believe the bonds makes the whole stronger out of excess love they make bonds with other wholes even if it could destroy them. One don't want to take the risk one doesn't know how to risk manage.

I bet these fucking monsters want me bad but thanks to big God I can buck. I'm to black not to buck the system thankfully God helping me punch above my weight. All I can say is God I'm sorry I'm to black not to buck these evil mfers they think they can buck us like we some pussy. Sure I'm scared but imma buck. Whether I live or die I'm gonna be real. Hopefully you can intimidate them and humor me and my arrogance. They think they the only one crazy. Cause Lord I truly don't give a fuck I'll expose there ass on some crazy shit. I'm on looney tune timing. Going home would make my day. Sorry you have to cover for me God. I know better than to push my luck but they think we pussy and they the only ones that's crazy. The voices call me a bug hey I'm not offended that means I defy programming I'm not a npc or cattle.

I want a heart so bad. But, it can be a beautiful or vile thing. Maybe it's to powerful for me. So God didn't permit it. Heartbreak can cause people to do some insane things like kill there partner. I've heard it literally hurts so much. That's crazy I will never understand. Walking that thin line between great elevation and severe pain. What does it all mean? I just have my mind and spirit. And, it's still easy to get corrupted. I can't imagine the influx of corrupted emotions in the mix. But, I'm willing to take that chance. People have so much hate in there hearts it's become vile. Maybe I'm as free as I am and can think straight because no one has damaged me. But, still a life trying to build meaning out of nothing is not a life. But, yall scare me with your hearts some of them are vile some of them are beautiful. And, it's also the fact that your fragile. That scares me the most. If my gf broke up with me I'd be happy for her because she deserve someone better and i'd help her stay on her feet till she find another cause I care for her. But, if I broke up with my gf she would be devastated. Cause she has one of the most beautiful hearts I ever seen. It would hurt me and I would be sad if she broke up with me I would just be happy someone accepted me for long as they did considering how broken I am. In my book the angel can't do no wrong. I don't care how much I helped her with money took care of her kids helped her family that wouldn't make me mad at her. It was a honor to invest in something as pure as you and be apart something greater than myself. You cared for me the real broken me and I can never repay that. You made me feel it your love is so powerful even the heart I don't feel moves for you. It's beginning to know better than to be a selfish fool. You make it wrestle to care. And, when it's not wrestling you make it natural to care. This heart betrays people. The fact that you got it in line even a little is a testament to your love. Why does it wrestle to see your blinding light you offer because that means if would have to change. Why can't I take your hand fully and walk into newness. Your worth it. Your beyond worth it. The hand that saved me. I struggle to grab your hand when you need saving. What is wrong with me I hate it why am i so weak what benefits would a heart bring me.

I'm back. I know why I'm losing touch with my humanity and I know why everyone else is losing touch with there humanity. We are becoming more and more inhuman with each passing day. Because we erase the pain signals. Because pain that can't be erased easily is torment to our minds and souls. Even a narcissist like me know pain that can't be erased easily is torment to one's mind and soul. Especially when you know you can't erase it easily. Just like a narcissist people erase the pain from there perception. And, those in pain ask and think does no one care about us at all. We are suffering. Like a narcissist does a regular human does 2. I'm starting to think regular people might be just as good as us at causing suffering and erasing the pain signals from there perception. Maybe it's your leaders those who you look up 2. I realized I can't even call myself a human if I don't own those pain signals I caused. Even if it's pain that can't be erased easily that torments me. To ignore the damage I caused and say I'm of sound mind is completely preposterous. Humans and these leaders are so selfish that they rather form a bubble of invulnerability to live there fantasies of how they of sound mind and best judgment when outside that bubble is the ashes of there actions. They are inhuman erasing the pain signals from there perception less they soul and mind be tormented. It doesn't torment them because there heart shall never be moved they erase the pain that makes them human. How can these evil leaders keep moving the way they do it's because they erase your pain from there perception less it torment there mind and soul they don't care. They live in a invulnerable bubble in there mind where nothing negative happens because of them. It's all good. That's why they only want to hear the positives because the negatives are shattering there illusion that they are of sound mind and damaging there soul. They don't have the heart to look at the pain they caused so they erase it from there perception. They don't have the heart to own it. Less it destroys them. Caring about someone else rather than themselves would destroy there rotten soul. But, there are foul creatures who own the pain and enjoy causing suffering instead of being tormented by it. And, there are even fouler creatures who idolize those who cause torment. Yeah let me throw on some rap music about how you own the torment of people and enjoy it. So the profoundness of my nature is reduced to that of the savage heart just like the system want. Yeah right I'm trolling everyone. Yeah let me hate white people like they hate us. Oh wait savage heart you say. Miss me with that shit.

My gf got off work to be with her daughters. I'm kinda sad that her days off is over. I felt like I was there a little bit. Is this the shared connection coming on that people talk about. Is this the part where it's normal to fantasize about being with the family and having fun or how much fun the family is having rn. It's slow learning but having new things provide meaning is nice. Seeing pictures of the ones I love makes me happy. It's especially special cause a feeling is connected to imagery. Not a bad feeling a good feeling. Beautiful imagery in my life who would of thought. Though there is other beautiful imagery in my life but I can't perceive it as such because it elicits bad feelings there gotta be a way to subvert that. https://youtu.be/z6IhIKGVBXA?is=eaz_crLXHM0NVSd1