Starting to get tired of things.

My romantic life is starting to be a drag on me. Just, I'm getting entirely sick of things. Particularly with how I'm treated in the end. Now, I know love isn't perfect. I don't expect it to be. And I don't expect people to just automatically love and appreciate me and want to be with me. I'm a real person, and I like to work on things and communicate when I'm trying to woo somebody or know somebody is interested in me. But every time, it seems like I just end up being some sort of fun experiment or something. --- My recent escapade was with a girl who I think is genuinely fantastic. She's lovely, in my opinion, and she has a fantastic personality. We differ in age by a few years, and our ideas don't always line up, but we share a lot of common hobbies or interests and we mesh well together. Plus, we always communicate very fluidly. Hell even her folks like me for the most part. So a few weeks ago, I asked her out on a date. Just to get to know her better, and to let her get to know me better, and see if our chemistry mixed well. And you know, three weeks of laughing, flirting, having a good time and going to do things to enjoy the time together was going really well. So the other night, we're chatting over our facebooks. Just talking about various things. At the time somebody had privately sent me some personal attacks that really hurt my ego, so I asked her a very important question. What do you think of me? As a person? I got a very wonderful, kindly written response. "You have a good heart and an open mind, but I feel the ignorance/sheer stupidity of the people around you gets in the way of you displaying those two qualities in the best possible manner. You're intelligent, which gives you the upper hand when defending yourself and your beliefs, which are often challenged. You're clever and quick witted, which in turn makes you pretty damn funny. You're imaginative and fairly intuitive. Long story short, you're a good and interesting person. Why?" I let her know about the things other people had said, and how it made me worry about some small stuff like being a worthwhile romantic partner. She hastily responded with another response that flustered me up and made me feel all warm and stuff inside. "First of all, any bitch would be lucky to have you. You are so wonderfully loyal to those that are kind and loyal to you." I took a moment to respond, letting her know that I thought she is a fantastic person and how wonderful she's been. And that I really appreciated her responses. Because I was a bit embarassed by the situation. It was nice being told that, you know? So I got to thinking, since we had been dating for about a month unofficially, that I would throw the question out there about her being my girlfriend. It was cute, you know...I have a image on my facebook page that reads, "My heart is a reactor". She had responded to it saying, "Seems like you need a nuclear engineer!". So I figured I'd play off of that, to be fun and romantic. I wrote to her, I was going to wait to say this in person, but, I'd very much like you to be my nuclear engineer. At least for a little while, if it suits you so. The response she gave me? " I'm really flattered but I just don't know... Sorry, I just feel like the worst thing I could do to you/your feelings would be to lead you on or waste your time..." I understand, I guess. Just...would have been nice to not be led on again by somebody. It happens all the time. And I always politely ask if there was something wrong...nope...just the, "It's not you" thing. And I am genuinely told how good of a person I am. But I guess I'm just some sort of game or tool. And I don't think I'll ever understand if I'm being told the truth about it either. I've dated a good handful of people. All of which, we've had good chemistry. But always this ending when it's time to move forward. I don't rush people either...I take my time, at a reasonable pace. I want them to be comfortable, and I am not desperate. But I just. I dunno. I don't want to do it anymore. And I'm getting tired of people.

I don't believe in true love fairy tales like that. I believe in hard work and communication. I also do not believe in predestination. I'm a realist. I'm just tired of getting screwed over in the end.

Ah..sorry..I really do believe in those types of love that happen in fairy tales..maybe in real life if differs a bit, but there is always that one person who is fated to be with you and you alone. ^.^ is what I think. So smile smile

Smile smile ^.^ If you smile good things will happen

I smile a lot, honestly. But unfortunately the correlation between smiling and good things happening doesn't really exist. Aside from that, I get on with my life. I think the worst thing, about it all, is the pity. Particularly from the person who rejected me after leading me on. They afterwards go out of their way to try to "cheer" me up, and do shit like smothering me in compliments. On top of that, like everything else, I become the "advice" guy. And then the, "You're great" or "You're awesome". I don't even believe in friendzoning, but come on people.

Sunflower, you are the light amount us cynical and realistic beings. I could just walk by you and feel better, hue. https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3500/3805905266_3f389b4338.jpg ~T

You know hwat, Takumi. Be glad that you've actually had been able to date others. It's at least proof that people dig you. Unlike me, because of my unconventional attractiveness, I've never gotten the chance. Best explanation I can come up with. Go on, search around! be unconventional with the people you talk to; talk to different people! ~T

I have a wide range of people I've dated. Everything from the shyest girl to the most outrageous of punk tomboys. I've even dated a few transgendered people. I'm not even a virgin, and I'm not new to making friends and getting to know people at all. And I know for a fact that people "dig" me. I have lots of friends and support from them. I have also dated at least 20 people for various amounts of time in my life. My longest relationship has been two years, but that person cheated on me. It's less about me needing to search for people, as much as it is me being outright disrespected and led on. If somebody just doesn't have interest in me, tell me. Don't lead me on for about a month of dating and flirting then suddenly cut it off like that, then afterwards try to suck it up to me because you're probably afraid you ruined a friendship or something. As selfish as that sounds, I'm tired of being used like that, and then turned into some sort of support offhand when somebody is having a bad day. After so long, you just start to lose it. You lose interest. You lose passion. You lose confidence. It just goes away. People start to wonder why you end up not trusting others, or you end up skeptical or cynical. It becomes less and less worthwhile. Especially when it's the people that you know, and they themselves know, it would work out well. And I'm not like, you know. Mr. Fuck Love, it Sucks. I would adore being appreciated by somebody like that. And it's not like I don't want it. Who doesn't want to be loved? Who doesn't want to find somebody or a group of people that cherish them like that. But, then again, I'm just a pawn apparently. So what do I know. -- Most of all, I just need to vent. I don't have many outlets.