Writing a Light Novel:D

Hey there everyone I been wanting to get some help here and there for my Light Novel that I'm currently writing so if anyone wants to like check it out im just sending the rough draft 1st chapter right now lol so if your interested in reading and giving me your 2 cents of wisdom send me your email or something and ill send it over :D

Pointers: Check the structure of your sentences. Make sure they have proper grammar. For example use ellipsis when enumerating (line 9), shoot your text with commas and stuff like that. I say that, because at some points, I felt like I knew what you were trying to saying, but you're phrasing wasn't on point. I know it's just a draft, but having a clear idea of how to writhe stuff from the beginning is a huge time sever in the long run (Trust me on this, I've also written light novels). How is there a government if all that's left of the world is a single city? Again, I know what you meant, but you should use another term. ' Just how can people even call this living ... ' Too many words of emphasis. Say 'How can people even call this living' or 'Just how can people call this living'. Feel free to ignore me on that one. That's just me being picky. Important One: AVOID REPETITION. You used 'shelled city' twice in the same paragraph. This may seem small it's actually freaking crucial that you that reader does not feel like he's reading the same stuff over and over again. It's tedious and boring. As an example, instead of saying 'shelled' city again, say something like solitary or just don't put anything. Only use adjective when it's necessary. Here the second shelled doesn't add anything. 'They tell us it was about 400 years ago on November 1st when the bombs dropped and world went to war. On that day everyone cried everyone bleed and everyone gave up hope' Hmm... again, that's me being a bit picky, but that's a bit of a cheesy way to put it. You should rethink that sentence imo. 'In the end most of humanity was lost and society was at the brink.' ... the brink of what? 'Soon those who survived ravaged each other looking for dominance.' Would people really try to becoming the next ruler so soon? Wouldn't they start by trying to survive first? 'Eventually the surviving humans found refuge ...' Again, you used survive twice in sentences back to back. Avoid that like the plague unless you're going for something with it. I know that Mugen means infinite, but should explain the meaning of the word to the readers so it makes more sense in the story. (If you're using the Japanese meaning that is). 'Soon after... Not long after...' Not good, scrap that. Don't need it. Just tell it as single storyline. 'Not long after a strange technology was discovered this speed up the process to rebuild.' Ok, that's stupid. Another big thing you should avoid when writing stories are Deus Ex Machinas, aka 'This happened because it happened'. EXPLAIN IT! What exactly is that technology? how does it help speed the rebuilding process? Why is it so special that people think it's godsent? Does it make free pizza? That guy/girl who's telling us story has also been told by a third party. Would he/she really be able to provide so many details? I'm just thinking you're giving a tad too much info on that whole segment. When describing the shadows, you speak in present when you should really be using a past tense. Also, shrink it down a bit. You could condense those 4 sentences in just one and make just as much sense. So... that 'super technology' doesn't make free pizza? bummer :( . How is it able to make weapons though? And why are they the only ones that work against the shadows. 'These weapons were infused with powers of the elements of the world.' WHAT!? HOW!? Are we talking technology or magic here? If it's the two the say so. 'Those who used these special weapons were called Guardians since only they could truly guard and protect the city from danger' Why are they the only ones who can use the weapons? Are they special? Do you need a permit? 'Here they would train teens from the ages of 17 – 21 in the art of killing the Shadows' Why only teens? In a decaying world you don't have time for such discrimination. I see what you're going for there but train everyone. Makes more sense. 'Now we are here in my time the date is January 1st 2415 my name is Kai Hikari I am 18 years old and today is my first day at Yukino Academy.' Picky one. I think that's a pretty abrupt way of end the tale. maybe you should rephrase that. '“Beep Beep Beep!!” All I could hear was a loud ringing in my ear. As I awoke from my slumber I looked around and saw my alarm.' He's asleep? How comes? I though he was just telling us a story, and already acknowledged that today was is first day. Wouldn't that mean that he's already be awake? TV shows and anime? Doesn't sound like the terribly oppressed city Kai was talking about at the beginning. '“Ugh why did TV have to remind me of school I feel exhausted.' How would he have forgot? It's his first day. To many damn sentences to describe his reflection. I know it's meant for us to get a clearer picture of what he look's like but you need to condense that too. “Hmm where is my phone damn this place is a mess I wish I had time to clean up this place uh there it is!” UNFORGIVABLE SIN! Repetition in the same sentence!!! 'lil sister' NO! This isn't a chat or forum. Write properly. Picky one. 'I survived because I was on my way home from school' He survived because he WASN'T at home, not because he was on his way there. I know most of humanity was wiped out, but why would the survivors 'forget' about stuff like 'Music and Art'? Say dub step or Kanye West, idk. 'our now rebuilt lives' Kai hasn't personally seen any of the destruction, so I don't think he'd say stuff like that, but that's just me. What's the Special Guard? 'the girl, the girl, the girl...' Condense, abbreviate or do whatever, but stop repeating words like that. Also, Kai randomly stops to admire this random girl that's randomly running towards him only to be randomly interrupted by someone. I'm guessing she's gonna be an important part of the plot? That's way cliche man, spice it up. I'M STILL READING, MORE TO COME

'The Guy who hit me was tall much taller then me I was about 5’8 and he was still much taller then me.' Spot the sin. '“Fine fine ill stop messing with him Iori.” Yuji said. “ So who are you guys?” I replied. Well this guy here is Iori and im Yuji and who are you?” Yuji said smiling. “Im uh Kai Hikari.” I said while looking at them both. “I can see that your new just like us I hope your ready.” Iori said. “Yea you could say that im just abit nervous.” I said looking for the girl.' Ok, this whole segment is just cringy! I must have read this exact structure sentence in that exact situation about a million times! 'Finally we reached the academy the school was huge and it had a giant gate with on the side it had the words Yukino Guardian Academy. In shock I just stared and look at how nice and shiny it was with multiple building and students going in and out of the main gates.' If Mugen is the only city left, how as he never seen the academy before? This guy is lazier than me! 'While looking around I was amazed by just how many student there were everywhere' You just said that! Again, how comes Yuji and Iori know so much of the Academy and Kai knows nothing!? What the hell!? 'She looked simply beautiful and a lot of guys thought so as well.' How would he know that? As far as he's concerned, they're just staring at her. 'He walked with much confidence as if he knew everything.' He's a teacher. Of course he's gonna stuff! Say it differently. At this point, I just wanna say something. Why are all the names Japanese? Mugen is supposed to be full of the last survivors of Earth, no the Japan, am I wrong? Maybe it's just me again, but you should really vary the names, they feel really forced and unimaginative. '...He said yelling to the class. Looking at him he had eyes that had seen many battles and he meant business.' You can fuse those two bits by saying : 'He said yelling at the class with the eyes of someone who had seen many battles. He meant business!' Avoid using 'he said' too many times during conversations. “ Alright lets see ah yes alright for the 1st group im setting up the students Kai Hikari, Yuji Yuudai, Iori Shin, and Nao Naoki. You four are the Males of the eight person team.” He said pointing at us. “Alright then next for the women on that 8 man team it shall be Aoi Nozomi , Senna Akari , Yuri Yumi , and finally Hime Satonaka. You four shall be teamed with the other four boys." That's some Deus Ex Machina right there. Too abrupt. Too fast. Too furious! “Hi hi im Hime Satonaka! Trust me im super excited to be working with you all here.” “H-hello im S-senna Akari and its nice to meet you all.” God, I can feel the stereotypes, slapping me in the face right now... ...Pretty every afterwards is stuff that I've already said before, so I'm not gonna drag this out any longer. I'm gonna be honest with you. It's not very good. You have a few cool ideas here and there, but they're completely blown off by bombshells of uninteresting, cliched and overused thematics. Just by reading this bit, I feel like I already have a pretty clear idea of the entire story down to the ending, and that's gonna shake off readers. You also have very clear problems when putting all those ideas into a singular narrative. The text was always focusing too heavily on something when it didn't need too, and completely passed over some more important stuff. If you're intent on doing this, here are some pieces of advice, besides the obvious, grammatical and structural bits. 1- Drop the anime act - It's clear to me by reading this that you've played out the entire story in your head as if it were a cool shonen anime. That's great and all, but anime is different from literature. It's not only about WHAT you say, it's also HOW you say it. 2- Drop the cliches - Orphan main character, new year at school, random encounter with girl... this is also SO DAMN cliche it hurts! It's boring because we've all seen it a million times. I don't care if the story remains the same, just add some flavor to it, do it your own creative way. Speaking of cliches, every, single, one of your characters falls into a super cliched category. Give them more personality than that. The worst offenders are definitely Hime and Senna. Those two come right out of every anime EVER! 3- Japanese names - Now, this is more related to the story, but vary the names a bit. As I said, in the context of the story, it doesn't make any sense to have so many Kurosakis, Uzumakis and Toshibas or whatever. 4- Fill in the gaps - I've noted a few instances where stuff is just left unexplained. The beginning of a story is your time to hook the readers, so set everything on the table, nice and easy to understand, but intriguing enough so they'd want to see what happens next. 5- Get rid of those damn DEM! - Having stuff happen because yes is the worst thing you can do to your story, it completely wrecks havock on everything you've establish. The convenient technology, convenient weapon, convenient encounter, convenient grouping... That's just lazy story writing. And there you go. Sorry if I sounded too harsh, but I think it's important to realize where you've failed. Good luck with this though.

thank you Key sensei ~.~

Why?

You know, since I went through the trouble of writing all that, you could at least have the decency to acknowledge what I've done.

I would like to read it! marinalisaz@gmail.com