Thinking you should stay alone[long story]

a previous topic made me think of this. A big big part of me really wants to find a person, someone to share my life with or at least what is left of it. Maybe a year, a bit less with lots of luck (i guess) longer. But another part of me doesn't want to ruin someone else's life. I have had a bad life, little story. I was abused as a kid and was forced into martial arts. The hard trainings I got from my real father left me with a shortened height and other crappy things... When I was four I realized I was living against my will and thought I want to hit max 34 years and that's it. I thought I would have seen and done what I want by then. But year after year that passed by I wanted it to be over already. At the age of nine I was taking away from my real father and lived with my mom and her new husband. I didn't really like him and he felt that after couple of years. Over the period from 9-17 I have had couple of arguements with him and my mom wich because of my attitude and fighting spirit always ended in a fist fight. Over that time I have litterally destroyed my hand 3 times, fractured my shoulder (school accident) and am left with quite some scars here and there. Small ones mostly from glass and shit. At the age of 15 almost 16 I thought it was good enough and I was planning on ending it but I learned to know someone or something actually and it changed my life. Keeping me here for yet a while longer. Anyway getting to the point pretty sure because of all that I still have a lot of problems not only mentally but physically as well. I'm now left with tyroids that aren't workign the way they should wich leaves me weak and overall sleepy all day... to top that of my heart has been failing me since high school with a record of almost 3 minutes without a single beat(never told my parents about it though). A few months back I ended up in the hospital and am now stuck with an infection on my heart. I'm against medications so I don't take any. So I'm thinking ... should I really share such a crappy life with someone else and probably destroy theirs with it. What if she/he really falls in love with me and we get together but few months later I die ... I mean everything can happen and I'm not afraid of death. I've had so many close calls you can call us best buddies. it has gotten bit better though I at least sleep with my eyes closed now since I live alone >.> But seriously who would want anyone with so many problems?

I am sorry to hear about your past, there are so many children out there that are brought up the wrong way. I had to endure my own hardships in my childhood, which have left me with some mental issues of my own. I have learned to overcome and deal with them though and live a pretty decent life now i guess I think if you should give people the change to know you and if they fall in love with you or vice versa then that is a good thing. You say you might not be here much longer, but no one on this Earth is guaranteed any specific length of time. Its best to spend it trying to be happy, and being surrounded by friends and those you love or that love you. I dont think your scars, mental issues would be a problem to someone that truly falls in love with you. I really hope you find what you are looking for.

If someone truly loves you then they would want to share your life and your pain. If you ever find someone like that, don't turn away. Love is the best thing ever...I would do almost anything for love...

Just like both of you said IF someone loves me. People tend to like me pretty fast because I'm a nice guy but the more they learn to know me the more they start to hate me. Wich I never really understood since I don't really do anything wrong ...

If someone is in your life then turns to not liking you then they were not the one meant for you. I truly believe that there is someone out there for everyone and you will find that person just dont give up hope.

That's something I think as well and even though I haven't really had luck in finding anyone that really cares for me or vice versa, I do still believe that. The thing I've been thinking about though is where/who/when ... -where's that person: could be in another country, who knows and for that I'm so much online but it could be just on the road where I walk, that's why I go out a lot. Not to bars or anything but just around town. -who is that person: is it someone I know. Someone who looks like I wouldn't want her but is different on the inside?? That's why I don't care about looks that much. But of course like everyone does, not on purpose if a girl isn't attractive for you, it's natural that you won't talk to that person that fast. -when will I meet that person: will I meet her today, tomorrow or maybe I already know her. I actually say her but it could be a he for all I care. If you love someone it doesn't matter whether it's a boy or a girl. And that's why I wouldn't care if she would turn out to be a he. why do i always make my comments so long XD