Parents and Family Insights

Seeing as we often subconsciously learn how relationships work/don't work from our guardians, what kind of dynamic do your parents have that you want/don't want for yourself? Do you see yourself repeating some of the patterns your folks have directly/indirectly taught you? My parents have an "opposites attract" dynamic which leaves them wondering why they got together in the first place at times. Dad was the quiet, nerdy loner type that will talk only when talked to, likes spending lots of time by himself, spout lots of philosophy when inspired, dress sloppily and cannot stand sales people and marketers. He does not like to answer the phone. Mom can talk on the phone for hours and is very much a sales and marketer type person who loves shopping for other people, dressing well and talks all the time, advertising all her unsolicited opinions on everything without space for your ideas. She can chat up a stranger on the street, but is super shy about being photographed. My father fell in love with my mother's appearance, and then out of stubborn loyalty which she married him for, will keep his wedding vows even they clearly have nothing in common other than their roles as parents of a family. Their education backgrounds are vastly different (dad has his Master's degree and mom barely passed high school), their taste in food is often at odds, their money habits were on opposite sides of the spectrum (dad was a saver and mom was a spender) and they talk over and under each other all the time. There was a point where they were fighting so badly they were almost on the brink of divorce, but they've managed to ride that storm out. The lessons I've learned from them is that marriage takes deliberate dedication and continuous communication, aside from commitment, because no marriage is without irreconcilable differences. Don't just marry someone because she's pretty (or he's pretty), because that's not a lasting trait. Don't just marry someone who is faithful but totally can't comprehend your communication style and disagrees with most of your values. There are some preferences which are non-negotiable and some that are; pick your battles, choose the ones which will set up the least misery in the long run. Integrity, openness, honesty, trust, authenticity and other such virtues are everlasting. The question is: What else is necessary for compatibility? I know I like physical affection like hugs, cuddles and kisses to feel loved and cared for. Presents don't mean much to me without a hug, nor do I find value in compliments without any touch or caress. I don't care if my clothes are draped over a chair or in a pile on the floor (like my dad) but I need my bookcase to be perfectly organized and the spines all line up to the edge. If it's not my bookcase, then I don't care how messy it is. The shower/bathtub must be cleaned after each use because cleaning up after the last person is gross. I know I prefer vacuumming the house to washing the dishes and that cooking duty can be a shared activity between all members of the house (so whoever wants to date me better know how or learn to cook well). I also know what kind of school I would want to send any hypothetical prospective children (one with a hands-on project-based curriculum, not just rote memorization). I've learned that birthdays are celebrated with family and inviting friends is optional. Every Christmas we open presents as a family and take photos. No opening presents before Christmas morning. Otherwise you spoil the fun. Anyway, I recognize that you might have some totally different family traditions, personal values and beliefs about the most mundane household tasks and division of labour as well as personal quirks and habits around how you best feel loved and cared for. Care to share?

My parents wanted me to date somebody that is intelligent and very mature. If they did not have good grades as in almost perfect grades in there eyes then I would not be around them that would be done more so then I like. They basically kept me inside most of my life and pretty much made sure I studied and applied myself rather then deal with the social little constructs that most people take for granted and can easily do. I disagree with this line of thinking though I personally dont care if somebody is smart or not. If they connect with me then by all means thats a good enough reason for me to be with them. I dislike elitism especially in the intelligence side of it even though my family would prefer I be that way. Which has led me to wanting a simple life to observer rather then create so to speak. In a sense my parents still made me have views it was just the formation of my opposite view towards there ways that turned into what I have now. I am greatly appreciating this thread thank you for making this.

I thought this forum was missing some ranting about parents because EVERYONE has mommy/daddy issues. I mean come on, we're human. Thanks for sharing! My dad was open to whoever I dated, but my mom was not happy with my choices. XD Like I said, they're opposites on every issue, it's crazy.

Im actually the opposite of my parents in many ways. Ive made it a point to do things completely different from them in almost every respect, including relationships. My dad was more the bad boy type and my mom the good girl type, so there was definitely the opposites attract aspect. Between the drugs and the alcohol it basically deteriorated into an abusive and unfaithful relationship which remained intact purely out of necessity. Because of this, I try to make sure I don't come across as the bad boy type in looking for a partner as I know how rotten a lot of those guys can be. Its not a standard I want to live up to. Unfortunately, I had matured enough on my own before things smoothed over, so I never discussed much relationship related with them. I merely learned by observation what not to do. Ive made it my life's purpose to do everything better than they did, and so far have succeeded in everything but relationships which Ive not involved myself in as of yet. I figure if they can fail that miserably and still stay together that long, I should have no trouble doing better.

Well my father has shown me personally what not to be in life. My mother however doesn't care who I date, but if I'm interested in anyone, she asks like 1000 questions, but she's usually happy for me and doesn't have a preference. One of my sisters, however, wants me to find a hot chick that I can bang all the time The other sister doesn't really care, but would like it for the both of us if I found someone who really liked anime.

Yeah, I don't have a good relationship with him at all. But back on topic somewhat: It also really bothers me when parents try to control who you date, I can understand if it's a really shady guy or there's like a 10 year age gap but it really bugs me. I had to get approval from my first actual gf's parents to date her, though she was older than me by like half a year, and then they set it so we could only see each other like every other day. After a while though, they trusted me and things went on like a normal relationship for the most part. And my last actual girlfriend (I use actual because they were the ones where we were both serious about each other and lasted for longer than a month) had the stereotypical Asian parents who disapproved of me because: 1. I wasn't Asian 2. I wasn't going to school to be a Lawyer or Doctor 3. I wasn't working a well paying job 4. I'm hispanic True story. So she ended up feeling pressured, and then after some other stuff she broke up with me.

In real life, it's not two people who get married, it's two families! You're in for a lot of hurt if you've got disapproving critical in-laws! My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she didn't want to fight my mom. She was also hurting herself by feeling unworthy of me, since I still have my family and she was kicked out of hers when she came out as trans, so the juxtaposition of our circumstances left her feeling envious. Other than a deep fear of trust in relationships she was super smart and generous. I hope she finds happiness within herself and someone else to share it with.

I think the thing I really got outta my parents in terms of relationship is that I gotta be like my dad and find someone who has a pretty even keel temper. My dad has a terrible temper and can get moody, but my mom is one of those people that stuff just rolls off her. Haha that's one of the reasons my dad specifically married my mom. But my sister and I kinda both learned his temper, although I think I'm a bit better about controlling it :P, so I know I would both be/make someone miserable if he had a similar temper to mine

My father has never been part of my life. To be honest, what I have noticed from seeing my mom over the years is probably not good either. Mom tends to love blindly and end up getting hurt. This has actually made me more guarded, which can be a good thing but can also be bad. Buji, sorry to hear about the last gf. That sucks that you guys got along but the parents broke you up. However, you are killing me on the 10 year age gap thing. Even xueli and I have a 12 year age gap, and she is one of the older (note older, not old :p) actively posting females ><