ZenRyuji

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v453/dreamer_tidus18/paulaspicblondecryingwrath.jpg The way I feel when Broken by Seether starts to play.

Slowly dying inside yet again. I was reminded today what the atmosphere around my reality was really like. I think it is all too clear what my destiny really holds in store for me. What's my problem? First of all, I'm autistic. Which means I am easily taken for granted and never seriously, which also makes me easily hurt and less trusting of others. This has been going on for as long as I can remember, even Kindergarten wasn't easy because nobody understood it, let alone gave it a name. I was treated like a common criminal since the age of 2. Grew up with an abusive father, denied college by a corrupt principal who stole my high school diploma. Now I live alone in my apartment with nothing to comfort me but my life's work of writing Anime/Manga. My mother had the biggest heart of all, but her limitations were below what I needed most. The fact of the matter is, I'm fed up. With the lies, excuses, the cheating women, the lack of professionalism and compassion. I just wanted to move on so everyone could be happy for a change, but somehow it only seems to be adding fuel to the fire. I just wanted to be someone everyone could be proud of, but the more successful I become in this business field, the worse everyone acts towards me. Maybe there's nothing I can do to change it, but I don't deserve it either. Everyone seems to be treateing me like it's a career competition and I'm just trying to save lives, I don't even care about the money. There's just something about my general gentlementality of hardwork and honor that just turns people into manipulating, self-centered jerks. Maybe I'll never know what true love is, especially when I'm the only one gives it, just to get heartbroken all over again. This isn't about MY lack of effort, I've given everything I was asked to give, I just keep running into strangers who don't know how to give it back, let alone WANT to. Once again, my heart is not a toy, so don't play with it. Cause once you've had your fun, spent all my money and left me without a word, I'm the only one who gets hurt. You ALL should be ashamed. I despise all cheaters and goldiggers more than you could ever imagine. All they care about is themselves. Instead of cherishing and appreciating me like a responsible future fiance, they used me like a sugar daddy and my heart paid the price so unjustly. They cared NOTHING for me, or the men they've met before and after me. If it happened again, this would be the (15th) selfish tramp who was only around me for the excitement, fame and money. Just cause I'm a part-time rock star too, doesn't mean I can give you the whole planet. I don't mind spoiling a woman who's serious about me, but only when I can afford it. There's a time and a place for everything and responsibility always comes first, so grow up and think of others before you destroy everything else. I'm not having a good time here and 28 years is a long time for someone to be constantly taken advantage of. Wanna know more, you need only to ask, but leave your so-called sympathy out of it. That's what got me hurt the last time and it turned out to be just another way to lie and hurt me. So please, enough with the lies and just be honest. I'm tired of being told what I want to hear just so I can feel better temporarily. All it takes is one time for me to find out and the past comes back to haunt me.

Also delayed merri kurisumasu~ gomenasai x.x having a hard time finding time to get online under xmas.. christmas being family time and all that << hope you enjoyed it (: