welcome back to jo's rants

yeah. i just talk a whole lot so there's that. i'm really open about myself (see this thread), and so i talk a lot to people who barely even know me about my problems lol

Alright, so here we are again. I've kind of made up my mind. Recently I've been going through a kind of transformation personality wise and I've been able to be myself a lot more and I feel a lot less uncomfortable about lots of things like past insecurities and stuff. I'm only dealing with the generic stuff like not doing homework, or much for school even though I really like the subjects I'm doing at school now (I'm studying to be a computer science teacher.) I've gotten a bit more artsy and stuff and I'm also more confident about my looks. I've been working on them too a little so that probably helps too (see the thread I made about "I'm ugly"). However, I've lost interest in almost all of my hobbies. To explain; I hate the process of learning unless it's really structured and I know what I'm doing at all times and what I'm working towards; I don't want to play the piano, I don't want to get good at games, I don't feel like learning school stuff. Therefore I will try to add structure to my life, while still maintaining the fun aspects of waking up and figuring out what I feel like doing that day. Anyways, the point of this rant was that I'm not afraid to post my body or anything of the sort anymore. It seemed weird to me in the past, but when looking at it from an art perspective, it makes sense to me. By the way, dicks and vaginas are really ugly. And so are assholes. Like, they're so fucking ugly. The rest of the body is so pretty compared to them. They're just such weird parts of us, same with ears, those look weird af too. I could go on about this but I feel like ending this post here. OK bye.

Well, shit's gone down. Meditation is insane. It fixed almost everything. Anyways, I'm pretty bored now. There's nothing for me to achieve. Family is fun. Being or acting naïve is the closest I can get to feeling alive. I want to feel alive. Really here. I don't care if I'm not remembered, or if I'll be remembered as "absent" or "not here". I just want to feel alive. Thinks make sense now. Seems like the only way to really enjoy life now is to hang out with people. I've still got my dharma and I'll see what karma throws my way. But for now, I'm pretty bored. To be honest, I don't really give a damn anymore. Life is dull.