welcome back to jo's rants

where we discuss absolutely nothing, because everytime i write 3 whole pages of text and rant i decide that i have resolved my issue. god for fucks sake WHY AM I MY OWN GOD DAMN THERAPIST NOW. WHY AM I WISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I WANT TO BE YOUNG AND STUFF AND BE ABLE TO TAKE ADVICE actually i always aimed to be like this when i was younger and now i want to go back. well fuck it i guess.

OKAY HOLY SHIT FOR THE FIRST TIME I'VE FIGURED IT OUT alright soooooooooooooooo basically right i'm romanticizing relationships too much (i think). whenever i think about being in a relationship, my heart starts to beat faster and basically you know that warm feeling and THIS IS THE ONE THING I CAN'T THERAPY MYSELF FOR. i just really like romanticizing things and kind of painting a picture in my head of what it would be like. like it's all really embarrassing i kind of don't want to give an example of what i'm thinking of but i'm just gonna say it anyways. the picture i've been having recently is basically me, in a relationship, and kind of being like.. fuck this is embarrassing holy fucking shit lol okay we're gonna do a thing of what this post is meant to explain the above text is just me literally saying what comes up in my head tl; dr (not really short) i've been having a certain feeling for a long, long time. it's me romanticizing little things, and especially relationship things. i love it, and i hate it because i am not able to have those kinds of things (i think). if i would try to get those things, it would be sort of.. out of character. or something. or weird. i'm not really trying to say that i'm afraid to come out for those kinds of things, it's more that i've always been very careful with picking a "group" to belong to. i've wanted to be hipster for the longest time. or just "cute" (in the "cute" sense not as in hot), or just a hot dude. or just some random quiet dude. or just ANYTHING i don't know like fucking hell. the thing that's been holding me back from being any of these people is me trying to do the "right" thing. trying to be very careful with what i do, listening to my parents, making sure i live life the right way. and also me trying to be "myself". okay wait fuck. don't respond to this post, i'm only going to post it so that i can figure out my true feelings arggh i'm so close

actually respond to this post and help me figure out what the fuck my thought process is because IT IS NOT FINISHED. I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE GONNA TELL ME TO FUCK OFF WITH MY "RIGHT WAY OF LIVING" AND STUFF BUT IT MAKES SENSE IN MY HEAD AND IT MAKES SENSE FOR A REASON.

AND THE ANIME I'M CURRENTLY WATCHING ISN'T HELPING WITH MY GOD DAMN FEELINGS FUCK YOU DOMESTIC KANOJO (and no, i have nothing related to what is happening in that anime but god damn does that anime convey feelings well)

I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT I NEED TO ASK HER OUT

JOHANNES. IF YOU DON'T ASK HER OUT. THE NEXT FUCKING TIME YOU FUCKING SEE HER YOU'RE GONNA GAMBLE €50 ON CSGO SKINS. WHICH IS A GAME YOU NEVER PLAY. FOR ANYONE WONDERING WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING. I'M HYPING MYSELF UP I AM READY FOR REJECTION. SHE IS WAY OUTA MA FOCKIN LEAGUE. GOTTA TRY REGARDLESS SO I KNOW WHAT I'M UP TO

I NEEEEEEEEED FRIEEEEEEEEEENDSSSSSSSSSSSSSS :) REAL LIFE ONESSSSSSSSSSSSSS :)))))))))))))))))) NOT THE ONES ON THE INTERNETTTTTTTT

all i'm doing is documenting myself by slamming my thoughts on this thread. i'm doing this because in notepad i can get real edgy when i talk to myself and when i write about experiences. sharing it with others is important to me because it means i'm able to like... share it. with you guys, and stuff. that makes too much sense, sorry. lol

kk may or may not have calmed down a bit. will report tomorrow or later tonight with updates on my 2nd comment on this post (the long one)

ok lol sorry if i spam you guys just mute this in all honesty xD might as well call this "jo's weird self-exploration adventure!" To me, it's extremely weird to be a part of something. It's like. When you become a part of something, I feel like you're closing yourself off for so many different other things, because you are part of a certain group. I feel like i'd feel limited if i were to join a certain group. I'm going to give an example. Let's say there's a some guy. He is really popular in school and has very popular friends. He's a very nice guy and so he makes friends with other people outside of the "popular friend" group. These popular friends don't approve and so they kind of un-friend him. They're still friends, but not as good of friends as they used to be. This guy still wants to be good friends with the popular people because he really liked those people, but he wants to be able to talk with the people outside of his popular friends. Another example. Let's say there's some guy. He is a big fan of archery. One day, he decides that he wants to spend more time with his girlfriend, even though he likes archery and going to archery. He always used to go on Wednesday and Saturday, but now he can only go on Wednesdays. He sees his archery mates less often, and now they kind of un-friend him. Not to the point where they're not friends anymore, but to the point where they're not good mates anymore. This is the problem I have. I feel like I need to either limit myself or be open to anything, because I feel like I can't have the best of both worlds. It almost feels like I am a wild card IRL, and everyone else is either an ace, 2, 3, 4 and so forth. I think I've discussed this issue before, but I felt like writing it down once again, because I either don't remember it being fixed or it was never fixed (for me then, at least).