Vent

Sometimes i wonder if i even deserve to find love. Like my ex i kinda neglected her in the end, but she was really nice to me. When i felt down on Valentine's cuz a girl rejected me, she still did something special for me even though we werent dating and i was the one who broke up with her. Its not to say i didnt care about her, i did i just have a weird way of showing it? Idk i run away alot when things dont go a certain way. But i tried to make things work the best i could but she just pushed me away when i tried to do things for us. Idk i guess i have abandonment issues from a past relationship and when i see someone istn really trying as hard as me i judt kind of act like they are a bother to me. But i did love some things about her.

i've always had issues finding an identity that fits me so I just never "chose", if that makes sense. I could be anyone I wanted to, fake it for as long until I forget and actually become that person, but I'm just too afraid of what people that I know will think of me. The thing is, I really shouldn't be afraid of becoming a new me because apart from my family, I have no real friends. My intention is not to go on a self-pity rant because I'm long past that but just to explain; whenever I hit up someone and ask if they wanna hang out, they're busy and don't have time. Fuck that. The correct answer should've been: I don't have time + "for you". Aight, loud and clear. No one hits me up, the only time when people think about me is parties. And even then, those invites are rare. Now I don't even like parties anymore. The fuck's wrong with me. I used to get so happy being tipsy around the right people, and now I just feel uncomfortable doing the same. Finding a new identity that fits me and that is approachable (because apparently, I'm not approachable) has been very difficult for me and it all just comes down to me having to make a decision. I don't want to have to make this decision, but it seems inevitable. I feel like if I were approachable, I'd get approached by people I know to hang out, play games, etc. etc. But apparently, I'm not that person. It's kind of always me who asks people to hang out. I don't mind it, but I wish I felt more.. needed. If that makes sense. I wish people would just invite me. I wish I played a more important role in the lives of people that cared about me. Because now I'm left with no-one. Internet friends are great, and they help me not getting depressed, but it's a temporary measure. I don't want to stay shut-in because I know how happy it makes me to have real friends that actually care about me. Unfortunately, there's nothing about it that I can do right now. I need a room/dorm/whatever you call it that I can stay in, in the city that i'm studying in, and find a group of people that make me happy. I can't stand this feeling of inability, hopelessness, and whatever else these feelings are.

I have so much hatred inside me and there is no fucking Naruto moment coming around to help me surpass my inner rage! The more I learn about people the more I want to see the world end in fire. (Sorry for all other lifeforms)

@sewa You are not the only one.

I vent that I low-key do not know how to talk to people because I worry I'm a bother whenever I think about talking to new people. Feel oofers.

I vent that my problem is exactly like llemurr and that im not sure what my real personality is because I always match myself to the others in my surroundings so I don’t bother people

Everyone around me is so fake mg there isn't one person I can trust and everyday I just feel more and more lonely, at this point I think I need to accept I'm gonna be alone for a long time and just focus on me but at the same time I wish I had a friend I could actually trust and be able to talk to about shit but that ain't gonna happen -_-