Depression and suicide.

I love my mother too much to kill myself. But depression has been a variable in my life for a long time. No matter how good your circumstances are... depression doesn't discriminate.

It seems to be a trend to say "I'm depressed.". But, to actually be clinically diagnosed and medicated? Not as much (Although, it does seem like Dr's are willing to dope up just about anyone now.). One that note, diagnosed at 13, stopped medication at 17, was going to commit suicide at 18 (I won't get into that story here.), been just fighting it since and really debating about medication as of late.

There definitely is a difference betweeen having depression and being depressed. One is a mental illness, the other something that should (at least theoretically) and is expected to be under your control. Happiness is a state of mind.

Always struggled with it, used to be a cutter and barely escaped being hospitalized. Just always feel like I'm spinning without getting anywhere. Atm I just Drink and Vape, used to be Drink and Smoke but, idk ironically trying to see if improving myself makes me feel any better.

I have those thoughts from time to time but I'll feel better eventually. I was severely depressed and suicidal when I was younger and during that time, no one cared. Usually seen as "attention seeker" or "overly dramatic". Parents are incapable to understand emotions, siblings considered it selfish, etc. I was all alone. I have scars on my left arm and a bit around the face that I said was an "accident". I refused to receive medications because I don't want the emotions to be suppressed. I want them to be relieved. Why would I want to take medication that once it wears off, I feel self-destructive again? I don't want that. So I pretty much "fought" myself with those tendencies over the years. Won a few times and lost a few times. I also called those hotlines during that time but it hasn't helped me much so I did everything on my own.