willworkforisekai

I feel estranged to my little boy and little girl. Because when I see them all I feel is sorrow from having to perform under there mothers eye. The time I spend with them never feels real because it's in the presence of there mothers. I'm to busy worrying about how to be normal. When I pushed my daughter on her bike alone and we sat down and played with rocks it was better that way. Away from the judging eyes of her mother. They don't even judge me. But, they make me judge myself. Those eyes remind me that I didn't build a house that's based on love. I don't know how to raise a daughter and son together with mothers I can't open my heart to. I can't be a father hiding from them. I can't feel anything in there mothers presence but shame. Some would say just focus on the kids you have a problem. I do have a problem I'm a narcissist. It's unbearable being around my kids while hiding from there mothers. 2 hours of thinking later I came to the conclusion with the help of jesus that I'm to perfect for my actions. Being around my ex wife and baby mama cracks the facade that I am perfect and I drown in the actions that betrayed my perfection. This was good to write down I never would of figured it out. I know the problem now why I drown infront of my kids and there mothers. The fact that I'm not perfect drowns me but tonight Jesus has broken those chains praise the most high God. He did it for me easily. So easily. I never knew I was in a vicious cycle of claiming perfection to myself. That's why I felt like I had no air around my kids mothers. I get it now I'm not perfect. I realize everywhere I go I've been claiming perfection. Admitting mistakes to myself felt like torture because I couldn't hold any other perception other than I am perfect. That chain was broken tonight. I can finally come to terms with the fact I can make mistakes. I was to busy mourning my perfection passing away to feel anything. That pain and shame I felt might be finished now. What I need to do now is apologize to there mothers and be more active in my kids life. Other than my bad relationship with my little boy and girl and there mothers. My relationship with my gf and her two girls is going good. It's a house built off love I have nothing to hide. I can't wait to have a big family my gf me my son and daughter and her two daughters. I'm gonna live like no narcissist ever lived before. God is good. I can never be perfect that mask broke tonight I wonder what's next.